F.i.g.h.t C.l.u.b

First things first. I will be accused of hiding behind a fake name and hence everything that follows will be discredited by some of you. Just one lovely phrase for those who will resort to this.

  

2014 was a pretty average year for Bollywood (like the previous 83-years) but things are looking up for 2015 with this new film’s trailer where Ameesha Patel is in a double role and surprise attraction is Zayed Khan. Also, a spiritual (?) guru (??) is showing how easy it is to make a Sallu/Devgn type chutiyapa and my bet is this film will be our generation’s Jai Santoshi Maa.

But here, a quick Kaali Zubaan recap of 2014.

January:

Year started with Joe B. Carvalho where Arshad Warsi tried his hand at a single-hero film for 25^th time in his career and failed. Pro-tip: Films with a name-pun in the title suck. (PK included.)

T-series ki daughter-in-law Divya Khosla Kumar’s Yaariyaan became the first hit of the year proving once again that Honey Singh is the NaMo of 15-20 year olds (And T-series is Ambani).

Bhairoxx’s 1^st release of the year Jai Ho (directed by Sohail Khan) had bhai paired with another new heroine, was directed by Bhai’s Bhai Sohail Khan, made lots of money and…and that was pretty much the point of it.

February :

Shekhar Suman acted in and directed Heartless, starring his son Adhyayan Suman (yup, he’s still trying!) where his heart is transplanted and he gets emotions of the dead guy whose heart is now inside him. That sounds like Inarittu’s 21 Grams with an additional dead-weight of 75-kilograms Adhyayan. The film spawned a social revolution where people started avoiding anything with the word ‘Suman’ in it.

Imtiaz Ali recycled a TV episode he directed 10 years ago to make Highway – yet another bubbly girl – brooding guy on the road traveling to yet another ARR album – letting fresh air fill their lungs and diluting the unpleasant smell of yet another half-baked script.

Saket Choudhary’s sequel to Pyaar Ke Side Effects, Shaadi Ke Side Effects took many years to come and made me miss (I never thought I’ll say this) Rahul Bose and Mallika Sherawat. Also, as smartass friend of hero Lakshmikant Berde >>> Vir Das.

March :

Watching Soumik Sen’s Gulaab Gang I kept waiting for Juhi to look into the camera, get that mad glint in her eye, chuckle and say ‘Sab randomly OTT bakheda hai, par mera hai.’

Bhagnani Jr’s Youngistaan. Little known fact. Every time his film flops, Vashu ji hikes the property rates in Bombay by 10 rupees per square feet.

Ragini MMS2 with anthem of the year – Baby Doll Main Soney Di . The only serious competition to NaMo this year. No, really. Here.

April :

Revolver Rani. After doing lots of intellectual, oh-am-so-different-and-classy interviews post-Queen, Kangana reminded us that Krrish-3 bodysuit was not so long back.

May :

Mastram did good business. Kyonki hum log sex ke bhooke, hawas ke pujari, vahashi, malnourished, kunthaaon ke bojh ke neeche dabey log hain.

Himess Bhai rocked the world with The Xposé – the first ever usage of Latin e or acute e in a Hindi film title. And it was a period drama, set in Bombay of the 60s. Read this in Anant Mahadevan’s voice please – “Talent ho na ho, ambissan hona chaahiye”. Bombay Velvet jab aayegi tab aayegi, is saal isi se kaam chalana parha.

Trivia: ‘Ice cream khaungi, Kashmir Jaungi’ became the separatist anthem, while Irrfan Khan (who later played a separatist in ‘Haider’) charged 1 crore per day for his walk-on part.

 June :

Sonakshi Sinha reprised her role of a broad smiling, desi-attired vacuum of nothingness, for the 10^th time in her 12 film career for Holiday. Akshay Kumar comes back from Army for a Holiday and realizes he hasn’t done enough South Indian remakes of trashy action so does one more.

Sajid Khan’s much-awaited lol Humshakals lol had a pair each of lol Saif, Riteish, and Ram Kapoor lol. This was his response to critics who accuse his films of being too empty.

Ek Villain confession. Had Riteish’s character not killed Shradhha’s character, I’d have done it. She was SO irritating.

July :

Vidya Balan played a detective in Bobby Jasoos. At the same time, Allison Tolman played a detective in the TV series ‘Fargo’. Abb aur kyaa kahein?

Very exciting time for Hate Story fans world over as Hate Story 2 came out. As Lord Krishna said in our national book Gita, death is simply soul changing clothes and Hate Story sequels are simply different heroines changing/removing clothes.

Bhai’s Kick gave us the best whatsapp forward of the year : Here

August :

Akki vs a Dog in Entertainment. Poor man’s Sajid Khan film, if such a thing is possible and needed on this planet. No points for guessing who, out of Akki and the Dog, looked and behaved more cultured & learned in the film.

Raja Natwarlal. Definitely the most boring film title of the year. Why would you have a title reminding people of Aamir Khan’s most-awkward rain kiss scene waali film by Dharmesh Darshan. (Aside on Dharmesh Darshan. A friend was driving Bombay-Pune and stopped to pee on the expressway. He found Dharmesh Darshan taking a shit in the bushes on the side. Yup.)

September  :

Lots of outrage over PC as a North Eastern in Mary Kom, very little outrage on how dull and lame the sports biopic of such an exciting sport turned out to be.

Daawat-E-Ishq. Everything about this film screamed BORING. Everyone was so bad that most of the reviewers ended up praising Anupam Kher’s acting only. That’s like reviewing a restaurant as ‘Traffic outside was good.’

Khoobsurat. Or as girls called it – WHEEE! FAWAD KHAN! Or as boys called it – Whyyyyyy? Sonam Kapoor?

October :

2 films released on the same day. Haider and Bang Bang. That’s like Mozart sharing his birthday with Sajid-Wajid. (Though surprisingly Haider was a hit and Bang Bang a flop. Kabhi kabhi Indian audience se bhi galti ho jaati hai.)

Happy New Year. This meme by Varun Grover sums it up. 

November :

Two films released on same day. One was titled 6 – 5 = 2 and another Kill Dil. Both didn’t make any sense.

Rensil D’Silva, who last made Kurbaan (whose script made it to MENSA’s library), came back with a vigilante film where Sanjay Dutt played a cop. “He’d look himself in the mirror and start running away afraid”, Rensil recalls.

Krishna DK and Raj Nidimoru attempted a smart rom-com with Happy Ending. Smart for Saif Ali Khan’s IQ I mean.

Waise Saif is Rajesh Khanna of our generation – long past the expiry date but still harboring delusions that one flutter of his eyes and girls are chucking their dildos out of the window.

Zed Plus had Aadil Hussein playing a puncture-repair-waala. In terms of characterization, this is the equal of Madan Puri playing a Chinese. 

December :

Last month started with unanimously accepted as the worst movie of the year Action Jackson. One plot device in the film had Sonakshi wanting to see Ajay Devgn’s dick for good luck. I say she should have simply seen any of his films in the last 2-3 years. Huge, limp dicks, all of them.

And of course, PK is still in theatres, heading towards 300 crores (SRK smokes a pack in jealousy for every crore it makes). Though in the film they never reveal the alien’s full name, my sources tell me in the script it was mentioned as Pravachan Kumar.

 – Nicolas Bourbaki