Posts Tagged ‘ae dil hai mushkil’

ae-dil-hai-mushkil-lyrics-title-song

SPOILER ALERT

First let me make it clear, Ae Dil Hai Mushkil (ADHM) is about love not unrequited love. But I don’t want to talk about ADHM the film, as much as I want to talk about love. Not relationships, just love.

Just like Karan Johar (and many of us), defining love has been a pet preoccupation most of my life too. Having seen around me disastrous outcomes of the passionate / possessive kind of love and its long-term damage, I grew up wanting to avoid those kind of experiences. Passionate romantic relationships would leave you wrecked and changed for life – was the message etched in my head. Until I turned 21 and dutifully took charge, to define love once and for all.

Just like our man Karan Johar, I quipped in an epiphany, ‘Love is friendship!’

You see, I had just met the love of my life, the man I wanted to have children with and grow old with but neither our bond nor relationship fitted into the YRF model (any other model was either too outdated or too modern) and it was important to me that I define. Imtiaz Ali had not debuted then, otherwise he may have helped. Left to my own wits, I decided that the best and most enduring expression of love is friendship. And that is the best form for your romantic relationship to take, keeps the politics of love from infecting its beauty. Because the butterflies-in-the-stomach, sleepless nights, restless ardour and passionate sex kind of romance is mere gender role-play, political, skin-deep and temporary while long-lasting relationships are made of soul connect, on the basis of an equal companionship. My understanding of the emotional complexity of relationships and love then was limited to these polarities. The many faces of love were mere ‘types’ for me.

There was a gap of a good 15 years between me naming my chapter of love and watching Ae Dil Hain Mushkil. My Mughl-e-Azam level romance was behind me for good and whereas it did leave me wrecked and changed for life while I was at it, it wasn’t the passion or possession of love that did it. Rather, as I came to see, to some extent, it was a lack of it. Love as friendship was the culprit. That left me flummoxed. But not surprised.

There was something very familiar in the story I was not telling myself. The story behind the story of why I had forced love into the mould of friendship when I wanted more and different. I had faced it but with Alizeh I faced it again. I was Alizeh, without the experience, but with the knowledge of how deeply love can scar, hence friendship was the safest and best form of love. I was Alizeh who has fully filmy dreams but didn’t really believe they would ever come true while she really wanted them to. I was Alizeh who has felt so vulnerable in love that putting on a don’t-care-a-damn attitude is the best defense, the best way to protect herself from it again. I was Alizeh who believes only friendship lasts because she has seen love crumble in front of her eyes. Her helplessness at the altar of love, at once scared and wise was mine. So in fear, I scrambled to firmly place love in the safe universe of friendship. The only difference was, she did it after her first heartbreak, I did it before, to avoid one. She found her home and I was lost. But the fear of pain that spawned it was the same.

And it this very fear of pain Alizeh overcomes when she lets her last dream be fulfilled. She allows love back into her life but with the wisdom of experience. ‘I friend you’ she says to Ayan’s helpless ‘I love you’, telling him she accepts his love and wants to love him back just that her favourite form of expression is different. And Ayan accepts, not because she is dying and he is desperate, but out of a largesse that naturally comes out of deep passion. Suddenly, love becomes formless even though both remain adamant on its form. Because it is within Alizeh’s choice to return and Ayan’s acceptance of her as is, that lies the real expression of love, formless and boundless. It no longer matters what they say, their actions have spoken.

That is why, even though she is dying in the film, for me, she wins. And so does Ayan, even though he doesn’t seem to get what he wanted. Because love wins. They may not have had their love fulfilled in the way they wanted but they had their love returned. To be requited, love just needs love, itself, not form. It’s when we get lost in the form we miss seeing the love that is happy being outside. To me, the film’s end signified a fresh start to Ayan and Alizeh’s quest for exploring a different form of love, this time together and with more wisdom. Time would tell if they would find a meeting ground or conclusions, but in their acceptance of each other’s love was the acknowledgment of its formlessness. To my mind, her “I friend you’ didn’t seem like a stubborn quibble but simply a reiteration of not having to define love at all. Let’s keep it as undefined as a friendship is, and let it blossom. And take it from there, she seems to be saying.

But what had turned Alizeh off in the first place? It was the neediness of love, the soul-scorching neediness of love and not its heady passion that she had experienced. She had seen its destructive face, not its procreative desire. Maybe she mistook both but love wasn’t a happy place for her to be in anymore. And so for Saba. But for Ayan, this very attachment is the Holy Grail he was seeking. His heart has passed the flower pot test. And so has Tahir Khan’s. But Ayan is still struggling under the weight while Tahir wears it with pride, not as a badge of honour, but as something life-affirming because it keeps him connected to the one he loves even without her presence in his life. I have my love, if not her…he says, and we are back to the formlessness of love, one that doesn’t seek possession, one that doesn’t need validation by the others’, it is valid in itself by its own presence.

Among the four, we are left feeling that it is only Saba who remains unfulfilled. Is it because that she unknowingly craved again for the same form of love she had left behind? The small interaction with her ex-husband shows she has not forgiven or forgotten yet. That is why she is steering clear of love, it can only be no strings attached especially emotional ones coz the earlier form did not quite work. Just like Alizeh, she too is still yearning and it is this that draws her to Ayan but she doesn’t know that until later. And when she does, she sees she has been seduced by love in the same form again. She wants to give in but cannot see the same light in his eyes. Letting Ayan go seems the rightest thing to do to her. If Ayan has already given away his love to someone else does she have a right to ask for it? She moves away with dignity. Despite clinging to a particular form of love she unfetters her love from its demands without knowing. No longer possessive, her love protects them both as much as it hurts. She goes back to her home, poetry. A more sublime form of the expression of love? Does she really remain unfulfilled? Is love letting go?

I wish Saba’s character had been given more attention and screen-time for very selfish reasons. If the girl in me related to the awkward young girl in Alizeh, the woman in me empathised with the poised middle-aged woman in Saba. I was Saba, too fearful to give love a chance again. I was Saba, fooling herself she is strong when it was just a façade. I was Saba, with wounds still raw, inviting more wounds pretending she is trying to heal them, almost as a punishment. I was Saba whose pain had a certain stillness about it, it did not roar and burn. I was Saba who has now found letting go is as easy as getting attached used to be.

Her meeting with Alizeh in Ayan’s presence was one of the sequences in the film that seemed to be dealt with quite an intuitive hand, in writing, performance, and direction. There is a hierarchy, ever-so-subtle, where age and looks play a significant part but no politics. The girl in Saba (which Ayan’s attentions has stirred, him being younger) recognises the girl in Alizeh and the older and wiser woman inside her responds, she is not only graceful she is gracious too. Alizeh’s awe and awkwardness in front of Saba’s self-assured poise is not only a reflection of her own discomfort with her femininity (and hence love too, to an extent) but also the girl yet to acquire the wisdom of womanhood, looking at what she would like to grow up to be after a couple of years. Or something so unattainable she never hoped to attain it anyways. The scene lays bare everyone’s insecurities and strengths without needing to politicise them.

If the girl inside Saba hurts to see Ayan loving someone else the way she wants him to love her, the woman in her knows letting go is the wisest thing to do. Love will find a way, KJo said in one of his earlier (and lesser) films.

As is inherent in the human condition, there is a constant tussle between the possessive and transcendental aspects of love, aspects most films aspire to portray but fail at evoking. ADHM does not pretend to, caught as it is, despite its best efforts, in the limitations of its emotional language and landscape. But it does pit these aspects against each other fairly well. If love as passion (junoon) is transcendental for Tahir, for Saba it is possessive. If love as friendship is transcendental for Alizeh, for Ayan it is immaterial. He craves transcendence through possession.

Yet, in the end, it is Ayan who takes the biggest leap of faith in the film, out of sheer love; he simply cannot help it. In doing so, he opens a window within to a love that does not seek to possess, love that liberates. It is not difficult to imagine him, few years down the line, wearing it with pride, this new-found joy in the junoon of love, like Tahir does. It’s like he amalgamates everyone’s journeys, even though it is they who spur him on to his. His emotional journey is Alizeh, Saba and Tahir’s catharsis, bringing together four people happy to fly solo in love. I loved him for being helplessly passionate showing me its ok to believe in the junoon of love, that’s a form of expression too. But I loved him more for being the very vulnerable boy he was, almost saying is there any other way to love really?

What seems so brave in the film is the atypicality of the portrayal of love. It does not pretend to be grandiose, or lofty (like KANK) it’s rather earnest, the unabashed love for Bollywood adding an almost unconscious subtext of Bollywood romantic models to the film. It’s like we know what these kids have grown up on, setting the context of their influences, behaviour and beliefs, in a certain sense too. And in a wider sense encompassing all those film lovers and filmy lovers who brought up on Bollywood too, make films and love what it is – friendship, passion, commitment, relationship or plain confusion.

And probably that is why, inspite of myself, I was Alizeh, Saba, Ayan and Tahir, separately and all at once. I didn’t understand them, I just recognised them in me, struggling between having love and being it. And like all of them beginning to realise love is not a goal to be met, it is a state of mind and if Rumi were asked, ‘state of the soul’. And isn’t there something about non-separation there?

Love is coming home, whichever route you choose to take.

Fatema Kagalwala

ae-dil-hai-mushkil-shubhodeep-pal

In the first section of Amitav Ghosh’s The Great Derangement, a mind-opening book on the climate crisis, he traces — with great depth and clarity — why fiction has been unable to accommodate the present and impending crisis. He posits how, from origins of high fantasy, where the imagination soared and took acceptable leaps and bounds, fiction gradually evolved into its current avatar, with a single-minded focus on realism, and “individual moral adventure”. The extraordinary was relegated to the background — and there it lies currently. As a result, science fiction and fantasy were torn away from mainstream fiction, of which both were once soul and sap.

A gold rush for internet activists

In Ghosh’s thesis, and in our internet culture, we can find a diagnosis for our age of activism-affliction. While thinking about these two, I realised I would find no better pillar to lean on than a recently-released Bollywood film,  Ae Dil Hai Mushkil. After all, some Bollywood films are loyal to a certain fantastical vision that successfully draws the ire of the internet elite (no doubt unaware of the irony of calling a film “sooo filmy”). And in this ire, I believe we can find the symptoms of a different derangement.

Ghosh writes:

If literature is conceived of as the expression of authentic experience, then fiction will inevitably come to be seen as ‘false’. But to reproduce the world as it exists need not be the project of fiction; what fiction — and by this I mean not only the novel but also epic and myth — makes possible is to approach the world in a subjunctive mode, to conceive of it as if it were other than it is: in short, the great, irreplaceable potentiality of fiction is that it makes possible the imagining of possibilities.”

I suspect a similar project is underway in the world of films as well. After all, films are fiction; and many of them are adaptations of novels — hence, they are literature themselves.

In addition, along with the suspicion of fiction itself, and its ever-closing boundaries, we now also have an internet generation  that is feeding itself on half-baked knowledge. (The other half is internet memes.) As a result, we’re flooded with opinions — attached to worthy causes, no less — that nonetheless exhibit a startling blindness to the necessity of argumentation and contextualisation.

It is deemed progressive enough to have loudly demonstrated loyalty to a certain belief system (say feminism) with a rash of generic, chest-thumping statements, and then to comfortably retire into a cocoon of smugness and self-satisfaction. It can be no coincidence that companies looking to create popular advertisements are pressing writers to include groan-worthy angles of women power. Depth is unnecessary; abiding by certain tired tropes is good enough.

This mad rush to demonstrate a certain progressivism is now turning into a mass blindness (and hypocrisy) of  the internet elite.

In some reviews of Ae Dil Hai Mushkil, for instance, there is a familiar disapproval — a carefully practiced, holier-than-thou disavowal of a story about unrequited love. All this has been largely centred around how the characters behave. Unsurprisingly, many wonderful subversions of tired Bollywood tropes were lost in the mad dash to be the first to call the film out for various behavioural crimes.

Blindness or hypocrisy? 

First, can we please accept that we live in a world of complexity, and messy relationships, especially when it comes to romance? Often, at the level of the individual, morals and social mores break down when two people are “in love”. We know this from our past relationships, and those of others around us. Accepting this reality is not to condone such turbulence in relationships, but to acknowledge that they exist, and that — despite our best efforts — they will remain messy. Moreover, unravelling the many threads in romantic relationships is almost impossible no matter how progressive one’s outlook might be, especially because romance involves sex.

Think about the objections to Lisa Haydon’s character because she’s apparently with Ayan (Ranbir Kapoor) due to his wealth. Such straight-slamming is ironic. Largely because, in the garb of feminism, it would have you believe that there are no complex realities in romantic relationships. I suggest more research into the thriving world of sugar-daddies, ably aided by women with undeniable agency.

In How to Think More About Sex, Alain de Botton writes:

“Despite our best efforts to clean it of its peculiarities, sex will never be either simple or nice in the ways we might like it to be. It is not fundamentally democratic or kind; it is bound up with cruelty, transgression and the desire for subjugation and humiliation. It refuses to sit neatly on top of love, as it should. Tame it though we may try, sex has a recurring tendency to wreak havoc across our lives… Sex remains in absurd, and perhaps irreconcilable, conflict with some of our highest commitments and values.

…This is not to say that we cannot take steps to grow wiser about sex. We should simply realize that we will never entirely surmount the difficulties it throws our way. Our best hope should be a respectful accommodation with an anarchic and reckless power.”

Even as we grow wiser and kinder, we must not forget that taking a moral high ground on someone else’s love story is the ultimate act of hypocrisy. Most of us have said and heard, and have forgiven, and been forgiven for, saying and doing cruel things in love (and obviously I do not mean physical assault).

Real life — and love — is difficult business. And nowhere can this be experienced more than in this book review about the lives of two very famous people, one of whom is a feminist icon:

Many of the myths that surrounded Jean-Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir in their lifetimes were demolished when their private letters and journals were published after their deaths. Even Beauvoir’s legions of feminist admirers could no longer view them as role models for new forms of free love. By their own accounts, Sartre and Beauvoir were often selfish, callous and cruel, not least to third parties caught in their web.”

Have we not fought angrily and thrown around things, and then made up later? Has nobody ever sulked after being turned down by a girl, or a guy? How many people have actually asked before kissing someone? Should trying to kiss someone and then stopping (which happens in the film) when rebuffed — yet display some hurt — be called sexual assault? I worry then that many or most of us could be accused of some form of sexual assault. If donning the mask of feminism closes our eyes to the possibilities and complexities of human interactions, we might as well not wear it. The complexity of human interactions is the reason why it’s difficult to sue for emotional torture.

Context matters

It must be a sign of the times that opinions attached to admittedly worthy causes can be handed out with argument or attention to context. For instance, isn’t it a worthy subversion that Alizeh, who is not in love with Ayan has agency, and isn’t, ultimately, forced into loving the guy? Or, that the entry of the third other is not an exercise in mindlessly demonstrating that women are always keen to undermine each other? The sautan of Hindi films died in this film and nobody applauded. Neither did anyone notice a man admitting, of his own accord, that his ego was hurt at the unresponsiveness of the woman.

Of course, it’s a small matter that Ranbir Kapoor’s nuanced performance was one of the most extraordinary portrayals of a leading character well in touch with his feminine side. Look at the film again — look at his babydoll dance; his bag when he’s at the airport (did anyone even notice?); his gait at Alizeh’s wedding; the mehendi on his hands; his pretending to be a bride; his easy tears; his non-embrace of a macho indifference in the face of tumult. Karan Johar’s obvious influence is strong here, but it’s easy to miss when you’re looking for ways to rip apart a Bollywood love fantasy. In fact, it has been reduced to characterising Ayan as a man-child. Five years ago we would have said “kitna rota hai, ladki ke jaise”. Irony?

So barren is our imagination, and so dedicated are we to the task of claiming virtue for ourselves, that we’ve rid ourselves of the possibility of examining whether “he acts like a child / he cries too much / he is too emotionally needy / he acts like a girl” are precisely the acts of assigning a behavioural trait to a gender / age that is an easy escape from understanding others. When “maturity” is measured by arbitrary, and ever-changing, social diktats, how easy does it become to disparage those who don’t fall into our chosen moulds?

“You see I love you better each time and I want you worse each time, and I bruise more heart strings each new time I go away, until finally you’ll just have to realize my life means you always near, and I can’t be nice and unsarcastic and happy when you aren’t near…

When I sometimes think that someday you may be married to someone else and I may be lying awake at night when it’s dark and still and deep and thinking of you, I wonder how I can stand to realize your blue eyes belong to someone else and that I can’t even have so much as the touch of your hand… Please don’t be mad at me, Eve, and like me more than a little bit. Please, please, please, please, Eve.”

James Thurber’s letter to an unrequited love could have been Ayan’s words, but since this is a Bollywood film, we are contemptuous of the latter. (Let me not even explain that the exaggerated crying of Ayan after a break-up is actually a humorous jibe at those who take the idea of love too seriously. That would ruin the fun of an easy jibe at him.) I am sure some bright person might suggest that the letter, with its forceful words, could be tantamount to sexual harassment as well. Such are the times.

The unwillingness to look at, or uncover, nuance, is a new derangement. So is the blindness to fiction — and our hard-headed efforts to examine fiction against reality. But what is reality? Some moan that the characters are too rich, they have private jets, they party too much. What is reality? Our reality, we of the internet, who belong to maybe the top 10% of this country? I don’t remember the last time the help at home, or the man who drives our car said he didn’t like a film because people were too rich. For them, the 90%, it’s fantasy that works. Which reality is real? The reality we seek in films is also fiction for many. I wonder if the reason we rail against opulence in films is because we have enough money to aspire to — and grudge — such possessions.

The great internet derangement

What is it about our internet-addled lives that closes even the most intelligent minds to possibilities other than those they’ve declared as final? I have three reasons to offer.

First, in a time of excessive information, skimming is the easy way out. Learning something appears overwhelmingly difficult. Therefore, we learn a little of everything, but not much of anything. Second, we are seized by an overwhelming desire to create a progressive personality online, because it is the right thing to do. It is sufficient in this case to loudly affirm allegiance to a cause; often, without knowing much about it. Third, people on social media behave like a mob — a much more insidious form of peer pressure can be observed here — and we’re afraid to be on the wrong side of internet opinions. Therefore, we refrain from seeking answers when in doubt, and clutch at the lowest hanging opinion.

Ghosh argues that the word “moral” which has transcended its Protestant origins and entered literature as a secular force, defines much of fiction now, compelling us to pay attention to “individual moral adventures”. As a result, “sincerity and authenticity” have become “the greatest of virtues”.

I suspect this is why we now seek a greater understanding of ourselves as individuals, but are loath to offer any acceptance to alternatives. Ghosh says “just as novels have come to be seen as narratives of identity, so too has politics become, for many, a search for personal authenticity, a journey of self-discovery”. I wonder if this makes us blind to fantasy, to other thoughts, and to other people and their opinions. No suffering, no love, no opinion matters until it is conveniently straitjacketed into a moral framework of our choosing.

Today, it’s easy to dismiss Ayan’s behaviour as that of a man-child, despite his obvious difficulties in dealing with rebuffed love that is not alien to anyone. (If I were cruel enough, I’d point to the personal lives — and some choice incidents — of some people who have called him that.)

We are now doctors with a ready diagnosis — but without a remedy — for other people’s failings. After all, on the internet, preaching is practice.

Shubhodeep Pal is a Mumbai-based freelance writer and photographer.