Posts Tagged ‘Nicolas Bourbaki’

First things first. I will be accused of hiding behind a fake name and hence everything that follows will be discredited by some of you. Just one lovely phrase for those who will resort to this.


2014 was a pretty average year for Bollywood (like the previous 83-years) but things are looking up for 2015 with this new film’s trailer where Ameesha Patel is in a double role and surprise attraction is Zayed Khan. Also, a spiritual (?) guru (??) is showing how easy it is to make a Sallu/Devgn type chutiyapa and my bet is this film will be our generation’s Jai Santoshi Maa.

But here, a quick Kaali Zubaan recap of 2014.


Year started with Joe B. Carvalho where Arshad Warsi tried his hand at a single-hero film for 25th time in his career and failed. Pro-tip: Films with a name-pun in the title suck. (PK included.)

T-series ki daughter-in-law Divya Khosla Kumar’s Yaariyaan became the first hit of the year proving once again that Honey Singh is the NaMo of 15-20 year olds (And T-series is Ambani).

Bhairoxx’s 1st release of the year Jai Ho (directed by Sohail Khan) had bhai paired with another new heroine, was directed by Bhai’s Bhai Sohail Khan, made lots of money and…and that was pretty much the point of it.

February :

Shekhar Suman acted in and directed Heartless, starring his son Adhyayan Suman (yup, he’s still trying!) where his heart is transplanted and he gets emotions of the dead guy whose heart is now inside him. That sounds like Inarittu’s 21 Grams with an additional dead-weight of 75-kilograms Adhyayan. The film spawned a social revolution where people started avoiding anything with the word ‘Suman’ in it.

Imtiaz Ali recycled a TV episode he directed 10 years ago to make Highway – yet another bubbly girl – brooding guy on the road traveling to yet another ARR album – letting fresh air fill their lungs and diluting the unpleasant smell of yet another half-baked script.

Saket Choudhary’s sequel to Pyaar Ke Side Effects, Shaadi Ke Side Effects took many years to come and made me miss (I never thought I’ll say this) Rahul Bose and Mallika Sherawat. Also, as smartass friend of hero Lakshmikant Berde >>> Vir Das.


March :

Watching Soumik Sen’s Gulaab Gang I kept waiting for Juhi to look into the camera, get that mad glint in her eye, chuckle and say ‘Sab randomly OTT bakheda hai, par mera hai.’

Bhagnani Jr’s Youngistaan. Little known fact. Every time his film flops, Vashu ji hikes the property rates in Bombay by 10 rupees per square feet.

Ragini MMS2 with anthem of the year – Baby Doll Main Soney Di . The only serious competition to NaMo this year. No, really. Here.

April :

Revolver Rani. After doing lots of intellectual, oh-am-so-different-and-classy interviews post-Queen, Kangana reminded us that Krrish-3 bodysuit was not so long back.


May :

Mastram did good business. Kyonki hum log sex ke bhooke, hawas ke pujari, vahashi, malnourished, kunthaaon ke bojh ke neeche dabey log hain.

Himess Bhai rocked the world with The Xposé – the first ever usage of Latin e or acute e in a Hindi film title. And it was a period drama, set in Bombay of the 60s. Read this in Anant Mahadevan’s voice please – “Talent ho na ho, ambissan hona chaahiye”. Bombay Velvet jab aayegi tab aayegi, is saal isi se kaam chalana parha.

Trivia: ‘Ice cream khaungi, Kashmir Jaungi’ became the separatist anthem, while Irrfan Khan (who later played a separatist in ‘Haider’) charged 1 crore per day for his walk-on part.

Yo Yo

 June :

Sonakshi Sinha reprised her role of a broad smiling, desi-attired vacuum of nothingness, for the 10th time in her 12 film career for Holiday. Akshay Kumar comes back from Army for a Holiday and realizes he hasn’t done enough South Indian remakes of trashy action so does one more.

Sajid Khan’s much-awaited lol Humshakals lol had a pair each of lol Saif, Riteish, and Ram Kapoor lol. This was his response to critics who accuse his films of being too empty.

Ek Villain confession. Had Riteish’s character not killed Shradhha’s character, I’d have done it. She was SO irritating.

July :

Vidya Balan played a detective in Bobby Jasoos. At the same time, Allison Tolman played a detective in the TV series ‘Fargo’. Abb aur kyaa kahein?

Very exciting time for Hate Story fans world over as Hate Story 2 came out. As Lord Krishna said in our national book Gita, death is simply soul changing clothes and Hate Story sequels are simply different heroines changing/removing clothes.

Bhai’s Kick gave us the best whatsapp forward of the year : Here

August :

Akki vs a Dog in Entertainment. Poor man’s Sajid Khan film, if such a thing is possible and needed on this planet. No points for guessing who, out of Akki and the Dog, looked and behaved more cultured & learned in the film.

Raja Natwarlal. Definitely the most boring film title of the year. Why would you have a title reminding people of Aamir Khan’s most-awkward rain kiss scene waali film by Dharmesh Darshan. (Aside on Dharmesh Darshan. A friend was driving Bombay-Pune and stopped to pee on the expressway. He found Dharmesh Darshan taking a shit in the bushes on the side. Yup.)

September  :

Lots of outrage over PC as a North Eastern in Mary Kom, very little outrage on how dull and lame the sports biopic of such an exciting sport turned out to be.

Daawat-E-Ishq. Everything about this film screamed BORING. Everyone was so bad that most of the reviewers ended up praising Anupam Kher’s acting only. That’s like reviewing a restaurant as ‘Traffic outside was good.’

Khoobsurat. Or as girls called it – WHEEE! FAWAD KHAN! Or as boys called it – Whyyyyyy? Sonam Kapoor?

Parineeti copy

October :

2 films released on the same day. Haider and Bang Bang. That’s like Mozart sharing his birthday with Sajid-Wajid. (Though surprisingly Haider was a hit and Bang Bang a flop. Kabhi kabhi Indian audience se bhi galti ho jaati hai.)

Happy New Year. This meme by Varun Grover sums it up. 

November :

Two films released on same day. One was titled 6 – 5 = 2 and another Kill Dil. Both didn’t make any sense.

Rensil D’Silva, who last made Kurbaan (whose script made it to MENSA’s library), came back with a vigilante film where Sanjay Dutt played a cop. “He’d look himself in the mirror and start running away afraid”, Rensil recalls.

Krishna DK and Raj Nidimoru attempted a smart rom-com with Happy Ending. Smart for Saif Ali Khan’s IQ I mean.

Waise Saif is Rajesh Khanna of our generation – long past the expiry date but still harboring delusions that one flutter of his eyes and girls are chucking their dildos out of the window.

Zed Plus had Aadil Hussein playing a puncture-repair-waala. In terms of characterization, this is the equal of Madan Puri playing a Chinese


December :

Last month started with unanimously accepted as the worst movie of the year Action Jackson. One plot device in the film had Sonakshi wanting to see Ajay Devgn’s dick for good luck. I say she should have simply seen any of his films in the last 2-3 years. Huge, limp dicks, all of them.

And of course, PK is still in theatres, heading towards 300 crores (SRK smokes a pack in jealousy for every crore it makes). Though in the film they never reveal the alien’s full name, my sources tell me in the script it was mentioned as Pravachan Kumar.

 – Nicolas Bourbaki

 storm trooper fuck

Nicolas Bourbaki is back. Because it’s call of duty. It’s the same old i-cant-take-criticism-fuck-you attitude. And this time it involved a Tamil film and a popular RJ who has been forced to quit his show. Bourbaki got all the details. Read on.


This Diwali, three Tamil films released.

The Ajith-Arya starrer Arrambam, directed by Vishnuvardhan, which opened to bad buzz and terrible word of mouth but the adrenaline quotient in the film and the combined mass fan following of Ajith and Arya ensured that the film took a great opening with the long weekend. It was heavily inspired from Swordfish with scenes liberally borrowed from Hollywood action flicks, including Mission Impossible 4, packaged smartly with the social revenge drama sentiments from Shankar and Rajnikant films.

The second film to hit screens was Karthi starrer All in All Azhaguraja, directed by Rajesh, who is very good with comedy. Produced and distributed by Studio Green (affiliated to actor Suriya’s family), one of the most powerful and influential banners down South today, Azhaguraja had everything going for it pre release. The director hasn’t failed ever and the promos assured a laugh riot. The film, however, opened to terrible buzz online and the deathly silence to jokes and walkouts in theatres forced the makers to edit out about half an hour from the 170 minute long film. Not that it helped.

The third film Suseendran’s Pandianadu was the dark horse, a make or break outing for actor Vishal who hasn’t had the best run at the box office. It opened to great buzz and positive reviews with most critics declaring it the clear winner among the three films.

That being the context, RJ Balaji, Chennai’s most irreverent reviewer known for his tongue in cheek quips on radio, tweeted on Monday night that his segment 120 (a review show where he told listeners if they should spend 120 rupees on the ticket, purely as a voice of the man on the street) would be no more. Here’s the series of tweets explaining his decision.

As many expressed their support to the reviewer, some of the stars on social networks used this opportunity to diss critics and criticism. While some were purely emotional (like Vasuki Bhaskar’s tweet)

and some out of friendship (@actorJiiva and director of Azhaguraja go back a long way), the unkindest cut was from Vishal, who shot himself in the foot and undid any goodwill he had earned from his Diwali release Pandianadu.

(Turns out that Balaji hadn’t even reviewed the film and Vishal was talking about his interaction with viewers who had seen the Diwali releases and the viewers had blasted the films. The third caller had criticised Balaji and he was gracious enough to take the call on air when he had a choice to not allow it. Balaji’s comment was that if a thousand people made a poison biscuit, will you attack the guy who told you it is a poison biscuit or the people who made it? Nothing even remotely personal or below the belt!)

God knows Vishal needs honest criticism the most to triumph at this hour!

If all critics were to say only good things about Arrambam and Azhaguraja out of consideration, to use Vasuki’s analogy, of the babies that were delivered, nobody would have even queued up for Pandianadu. Simply because there is no way people would go watch a third film during the Diwali weekend. Instead of being grateful to people for speaking their mind about what they liked and what they didn’t during the weekend, Vishal actually chose this weekend of all, to suck up to the most influential banner.

About 80 per cent of the films made are either flop or lose money. Not because of criticism but because the makers made a bad film. Singham 2 is one of the highest grossing film down South in recent times despite terrible reviews. Because people liked it even if critics didn’t. People are not always right in recognising good cinema which is why we need critics sometimes to point them in the right direction. We need someone to be the bad guy and say the truth out aloud that this film stinks, go watch the other one.

Because filmmakers don’t offer refunds.

It is extremely juvenile and downright stupid to lash out against critics in times of social media because today, the common man is a critic. One smart tweet summing up a film can get retweeted more times than any review. When everyone is a critic, mass opinion infiltrates the aggregate of tweets and buzz on the film. Which is even more reason you need honest and brave criticism to prevail.

In a world without dissent, the powerful will rule and underdogs will die. Do you want your cinema to be controlled in the hands of a few? Critics are not your enemies, they are your friends.

The real enemies are within your system. The stars who charge salaries that make your project unviable. The marketing spends you invest to beat the competition that puts you at greater risk. The lack of effort in writing or picking the good scripts. The money spent on foreign trips, lavish sets for dance numbers, business class tickets, five star hotels, success parties, audio launches and invites, buying your own tickets to keep the halls housefull… These are the things you can do without.

Criticism, you can do with.

(PS – Bourbaki just got to know that it was scary scenario for the RJ. Got threats too. The way it happens in those bad zimbly zouth films. Only difference is in real life they are scary. So he has decided to opt for something non-filmy now)

(PS1 – More discussion on the controversy is going on here : ,  & ) Also, another post on the same issue is here.

(PS2 – If you have problem with Bourbaki, his Godfather Banksy got an answer for you here.)

Filmmaker Anurag Kashyap did AMA on Reddit yesterday. Someone asked him about the state of Indian film criticism. His reply in one word was “terrible”. Well, it doesn’t take much brains to figure this out. Open the papers on Friday and you can see it all over. Not to mention the reviews by trade analysts which industry endorses most vehemently, and who then manipulates box office updates accordingly, the ones with agendas other than films, and then there are the paid and the plugged ones. It’s routine now. Nobody is shocked or surprised. And that’s the worst thing to happen – to get used to it.

With social media getting prominence and becoming at least some kind of parameter to get audience reaction, the game of making a “perceptive hit or classic” starts days before the release. You are blinded by the blitzkrieg, a kind of emperor’s new clothes. And journos who are suppose to tell you otherwise, they are happy to get their pictures clicked with the stars. Well, why am i ranting? Because today is friday. Because a bigger rant follows this one. And because we have always been accused of being biased for/against some films and filmmakers. Not to mention being branded contrarian for the sake of it. From saying Talaash works best when you know the spoiler to defending Shyamalan’s latest to liking Raanjhanaa’s 2nd half more to Ghanchakkar being not that bad what critics are saying. Here’s the latest one in the series – on Lootera. And am saying this even though i liked lot of things in the film, especially the 2nd half. And you have to watch it because it’s made by the same filmmaker who gave us Udaan.

So watch the film and come back to the post. Though it’s a spoiler free and you can read before watching the film too. This one is by a new author called Nicolas Bourbaki. Familiar? You will get to know him soon.


Warning – this is NOT a review of the film. This is a rant. A wannabe brilliant piece in support of brilliant cinema and stemming from the rangat of self conceit. And even though it doesn’t have spoilers, it is recommended to not read this piece of crap before watching the film.

It’s 1.30 am in my bedroom. I’m alone sitting by the almirah with the king sized mirror. I look at my reflection. I have pain anguish angst remorse guilt redemption realization hope despair despondency writ all over my face. The fan whirls 7 ft above my head. It’s a second hand cheap 800 rupees fan which makes a whirrring noise. No PSPO unlike the film I saw. Bedbugs trouble me. I look at my freckled face. Time stands still unhealed by pain and unfettered by the nocturnal twists and turns of a solitary night. Half a drop of tear rolls over my eyelid, brimming over, somewhat reluctant to fall down. Yet it knows, and it can feel my melancholia. It knows it must fall down. But will it or will it not ?

आँसुओं की किंकर्तव्यविमूढ़ता हो तो ऐसी हो

Please bear with me dear reader. This is not another synopsis of Ship of Theseus.

What a brilliant film!

Brilliant cinematography. Such gorgeous frames. Color schemes which would guarantee taciturn unconditional approval by Kie-slow-iski. Yellow when the mood is prosperous. White when characters are fighting inner demons. Dark interiors for people with dark circles. Transitions from Puja/Ramleela fervor to fever-ish asthma attacks that Baradwaj Rangan would love to write thesis & books on. Aesthetics which are carefully calibrated to the exact precision so well that Light appears to meticulously obey both Particle & Wave theory simultaneously at the director (and DOP’s) will.

When the characters come to kiss each other in a Terrance Malick-ian way, there is just about enough background flare to make the moment surreal, yet real without the hyper reality of the scene underscoring the cinematic liberties. Equality Fraternity. That’s the French revolution all the way till 2008’s Entre Les Murs (Class) – maybe the director’s favorite film that year. Sheer class!

Breaths. Pauses. Stays. Beats. Playback songs. Measured. Sure. Nimble footed. Sometimes hurried. Sometimes slow. Asphyxiating. Liberating. Gesticulating. Pontificating. Prepossessing. Repossessing.

“चार बाल सामने चाहिए. सिर्फ़ चार बाल! मुझे एकदम Natural look चाहिए. बिल्कुल made up नही”.” – Steven Kapoor said.

“मैं पिछली picture का print Tirupati (Balaji) ले जाना भूल गया था. इसी लिए नही चली थी” – the producer from Ludhiana reasoned with him.

I suddenly observe. Snowflakes are falling on me. यारी रोड में बर्फ बारी ? हौले हौले धीमे धीमे. I quickly wear my color co-ordinated sweater and stand up with my arms folded out like Andy Dufrene. Epiphany striked, symphony plays – Costume Design and Art Direction should have had top billing over writer/director’s credit.

I scribble my review on a piece of paper with a Chinese fountain pen dipped in a दवात. Then tear it apart. Then do a for-next loop until fade out.

What a performance by the father (Barun Chanda). Ranveer Singh restrains in restraining himself while Sonakshi Sinha has all the reasons to have my sympathy. But for some strange reason my sympathies lie with my bums, which have been lying motionless for over the 2 hours, uninvolved, dis interested, dazed, waiting for a jump in my seat moment, a lump in the throat, a mournful sigh. They perhaps demand too much as they get only assiduously created multi-textured verisimilitude along with a velvet touch of a fabric. Kora kagaz tha yeh bum mera…..

I wanted to cry, to laugh, to be angry, nervously bite my nails, fight with the irritating uncle with the kid asking them to shut up instead of searching for adjectives to define the craft. Even some of the later films directed by Santosh Sivan were … (space left intentionally for background music).

Even a gunshot wound has been brilliantly (decorated) created with 50 shades of grey. Nerolac Nerolac Nerolac! Waah miyaan Henry! Life is a tale told by an idiot. All sound and fury. Signifying nothing. Like this rant perhaps.

As the song goes – (har ek frame ko) Sanwaar loon, Sanwaar loon.

(PS – And now the media blitzkrieg begins. All I can muster up is this –

लबों के सिलवटों से उप्पर सिकुड़ी हुई छोटी सी एक नाक है

रूह ही ना डाली पिक्चर पोस्टकार्ड में तो फिर खुजली मज़ाक है)

(PPS – what’s well shot, needs editing, slow pace and blah blah blah? Here you go.