Archive for June 9, 2010

Bollywood – its still a strange place. We still dont have any concept of “script readers” and giving feedback to a filmmaker means “you are supposed to say only good things” about his film. And everyone has become so protective about the first look of their film, that passing on the script for feedback is an impossible dream.

We decided to check if the other way can work out. One of us wrote a script for a short film (3-4 mins) and we are putting the script here. Good, bad, fugly, whatever – do let us know in the comment section. Help us decide – should we make it, throw it in the dustbin or better, use it as toilet paper. And its just 3 pages, so please read on.

See if this makes any sense because we have been told it didn’t made so, to many.



ECU of a man’s face. He is lying on a bed.

Initially little nervous, he tries to bend his head little backward, turns back to starting position. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.

With a loud noise, the screen goes black out.


A lean, thin man with receding hairline is busy playing a game on his mobile. Seems he just lost it. With a sigh, he looks up. Into the camera.

MAN (looks up – into camera)

……aur kya, bijli gul. Pehli baar ushey aise hi mila tha. Uska chehra bhi nahi dekha.


WOMAN (into the camera)

Par maine dekhi thi…..picche se. Bilkul paas se (smiles). Bachpan ki bimaari hai…..(breaks into a hysterical laugh )


A fat kid (girl – 9-10 years) on a dining table by herself and eating cornflakes.


Jo bhi khati, wahin atak jaati. Na pet me pachti, na bahar nikalti.


We see the fat kid from the back, going to school, with a heavy bag on her back and her big bum.  A water bottle hanging on her right side.

A young guy riding a cycle crosses her, tries to hit her bum with his waterbottle and shouts out.


Oye Bum–per…kuch pump—kar!

The handle of the bottle breaks, falls down. The girl smiles, sits on it suddenly, the bottle breaks with a loud sound.

The guy looks back at her. The girl seems very happy.


Pump kiya…teri bottle ko.

The guy shakes his head and leaves on his cycle.


Another kid, 9-10 years old boy, is trying to buckle up the school belt. Standing in front of the mirror, he is dressed up in school uniform. Only trying to fix up the belt. He moves his back towards the mirror and looks at his bum. There is almost nothing. It’s all flat. The pant hangs loosely and looks bad. He pulls the pant from both sides with his hand to make it look tighter to his bum.


Aur mere ko Chamcha bulate they. Kisi ki chaati nahi kabhi, bus gaand me dum nahi tha, matlab dum to tha bus gaand hi nahi thi. Chamach jaisa. Short me Chum!

The kid put his left hand on his bum and tries to figure out the curve of his bum…he moves the hand, still  in that small curve form, to the front and places it in a position that covers Pamela Anderson’s bum. He is comparing the size.

A pic of Pamela Anderson in swimsuit, still from Baywatch, is placed in one corner of the mirror.


MAN (into the camera)

Jab isse doorsi baar milne gaya. Tab bhi chehra nahi dekh paya. Waise hi…aao let jao, bhagwan ka naam lo aur intezaar karo….ki is baar Bijli corporation ki meherbani rahe….


ECU of a man’s face

He is lying on a bed. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.



Aur mere pe tabhi jadoo sa hua.

The woman smells something in the air. Takes a deep breath in. Almost bliss. She takes a Man’s pant, which is hanging in one corner of the room, slyly puts her hand in one of the pockets, and finds something, smiles, tries to cover up her expression. Gets out of the room with a packet in hand.



All 9-10 year olds in the classroom. A man sitting on a chair, talking to the students.


Simple sa sawaal hai. Yeh batana ki tumko kaun sa khusboo sabse pasand hai aur kyun ?

We see the same fat girl (with big bum) sitting on the right hand side of the teacher. The teacher points his hand in the right direction.


Idhar se chaloo karo.


Gulaab. Kyunki bahut acchi khusboo hai.

She sits down.


Chameli ka….

She also sits down after saying the answer.

The fat girl, Bum, is next. She has a disgusted look at her face. Hesitatingly, she stands up.



TEACHER (shouts out)



jo Papa roll karte hain na….usko roll karne ke pehle…..


We see a middle-aged man rolling tobacco into tabacco paper. The fat kid/girl peeping through one corner and inhaling it.




Phir kya ? Bum pe bum bum padi. Aur us din maine isko baad me phone kiya…sorry bolne ko….


Close up of the man’s face – He is nodding his head to some music and enjoying it. Twitching his lips with a blissful/orgasmic feeling.


Ek baar call kiya… baar call kiya…..phir last baar…

The Woman is making call through her mobile.

We hear the sound of mobile vibration. The camera tilts down to show that the guy has kept his mobile just under his crotch, it’s in silent vibration mode and as it vibrates, giving a ticklish feeling and he is enjoying it. He pulls out the mobile from under the crotch and takes the call.



Maza aata hai. Try karke dekho (winks). Ma kasam. Par us raat main phir so nahi paaya…..

We see the man mixing a bottle of some liquid with lemonade. Gulps it down. And then sitting on the shit pot.


Ab tak uska chehra nahi dekha tha. Par usne le li meri…teen baar…hattrick…woh bhi picche se….virgin tha main…….ma kasam…picche se….


We see that the man is lying on a bed. The Woman is taking a thin pipe and is putting it inside him, from behind. She is in doctor/nurse’s uniform.


CU of the tv screen – The camera shows his intestine on the screen. She is doing colonoscopy. She is staring blankly at the screen. Is very happy at the result on the screen.


Gulabi. Bilkul gulabi. Aisa pehle nahi dekha tha. It was love at first sight…


We realise that the man and the woman are sitting next to each other.


….sight nahi…at first pipe…..woh gaana iska favourite hai…gulaabi aantein jo teri dekhi…deewana mera dil….He laughs out singing.


Tab jaake pehli bar usko dekha. Samne se . Picche tha bhi nahi kuch dekhne ko….

(she laughs out hysterically)


The woman comes to the front, looks at him. They stare each other for few seconds. The man still on the bed.


Kehte hai na, opposites attract.


We see the back of the man with no bum and the woman with big bum, walking closely next to each other. The screen forms a heart shape and zooms into their bums.

The end.


Synopsis – Its a story about two people, their weird nature, how they meet thrice and finally fall for each other. She is a doctor. And he needs to get his colonscopy done. She does it right, only at the third time. And they are narrating their experiences. The hospital setting, colonoscopy factor is not revealed from the start. So, its mostly in close ups and location is marked as XXX in the script.

Also, he could not sleep the night before because one is suppose to drink a liquid mixed with any lemonade that cleans your system completely. You almost remain on the shitpot every few minutes.


This marks a grand WTF in film promotion! Dear whoever you are, social media doesnt mean squeeze media!

The makers of the film were doing a countdown on Twitter to reveal the first look of Aisha, as if its gonna be Casablanca and not Aisha. Yes, trust us….from one week to 3 days to 2 days to 24 hours to 12 hrs to  2 hours and blah blah blah! And if you dont trust us, click here to check the stupidest timeline ever created in the history of bollylalaland! And what do they reveal after all this hype, a random still of Sonam Kapoor.

Whats more, they have even created a term called “Aishaholics”, even before the film’s first look, poster or promo! Make us alcoholic anyday…hic! And if you are done with your Dumb Quotient of The Day (DQTD – yes, thats gonna be a new category now), here is something more. The official synopsis of the film is out too. Read on.

Aisha is a girl with a simple diktat – everyone’s business is her business. Arjun is a boy with even a simpler set of beliefs – Aisha should mind her own business. Caught in the Delhi upper class world with its own set of social rules, Aisha navigates her world with a great sense of style and even greater optimism. Caught in her web are her best friend Pinky, the small town girl Shefali, the west Delhi boy Randhir and the hunk Dhruv. Aisha will make sure everyone dances to her tune. And all Arjun wants to do is disentangle that web and get Aisha out of an impending sticky mess. Who will succeed and who will succumb? Welcome to Aisha’s fabulous world where playing cupid is as easy as 123…if only that Arjun would stay out of her way!

The film is directed by Rajshree Ojha, written by Devika Bhagat and stars Sonam Kapoor, Abhay Deol, Ira Dubey, Amrita Puri, Cyrus Sahukar (Hmmmm…..shhhh!!???), Lisa Haydon and Arunoday Singh. Its produced by daddy dearest Anil Kapoor & PVR.