BumChum (Short film script) – Give your feedback & help us decide!

Posted: June 9, 2010 by moifightclub in cinema, film, short film, Story / Plot / Synopsis, writing
Tags: , ,

Bollywood – its still a strange place. We still dont have any concept of “script readers” and giving feedback to a filmmaker means “you are supposed to say only good things” about his film. And everyone has become so protective about the first look of their film, that passing on the script for feedback is an impossible dream.

We decided to check if the other way can work out. One of us wrote a script for a short film (3-4 mins) and we are putting the script here. Good, bad, fugly, whatever – do let us know in the comment section. Help us decide – should we make it, throw it in the dustbin or better, use it as toilet paper. And its just 3 pages, so please read on.

See if this makes any sense because we have been told it didn’t made so, to many.

BUM-CHUM

INT. XXX – DAY

ECU of a man’s face. He is lying on a bed.

Initially little nervous, he tries to bend his head little backward, turns back to starting position. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.

With a loud noise, the screen goes black out.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A lean, thin man with receding hairline is busy playing a game on his mobile. Seems he just lost it. With a sigh, he looks up. Into the camera.

MAN (looks up – into camera)

……aur kya, bijli gul. Pehli baar ushey aise hi mila tha. Uska chehra bhi nahi dekha.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

WOMAN (into the camera)

Par maine dekhi thi…..picche se. Bilkul paas se (smiles). Bachpan ki bimaari hai…..(breaks into a hysterical laugh )

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A fat kid (girl – 9-10 years) on a dining table by herself and eating cornflakes.

WOMAN (VO)

Jo bhi khati, wahin atak jaati. Na pet me pachti, na bahar nikalti.

EXT. ROAD – MORNING

We see the fat kid from the back, going to school, with a heavy bag on her back and her big bum.  A water bottle hanging on her right side.

A young guy riding a cycle crosses her, tries to hit her bum with his waterbottle and shouts out.

GUY

Oye Bum–per…kuch pump—kar!

The handle of the bottle breaks, falls down. The girl smiles, sits on it suddenly, the bottle breaks with a loud sound.

The guy looks back at her. The girl seems very happy.

GIRL

Pump kiya…teri bottle ko.

The guy shakes his head and leaves on his cycle.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Another kid, 9-10 years old boy, is trying to buckle up the school belt. Standing in front of the mirror, he is dressed up in school uniform. Only trying to fix up the belt. He moves his back towards the mirror and looks at his bum. There is almost nothing. It’s all flat. The pant hangs loosely and looks bad. He pulls the pant from both sides with his hand to make it look tighter to his bum.

MAN (VO)

Aur mere ko Chamcha bulate they. Kisi ki chaati nahi kabhi, bus gaand me dum nahi tha, matlab dum to tha bus gaand hi nahi thi. Chamach jaisa. Short me Chum!

The kid put his left hand on his bum and tries to figure out the curve of his bum…he moves the hand, still  in that small curve form, to the front and places it in a position that covers Pamela Anderson’s bum. He is comparing the size.

A pic of Pamela Anderson in swimsuit, still from Baywatch, is placed in one corner of the mirror.

INT. HOUSE  – DAY

MAN (into the camera)

Jab isse doorsi baar milne gaya. Tab bhi chehra nahi dekh paya. Waise hi…aao let jao, bhagwan ka naam lo aur intezaar karo….ki is baar Bijli corporation ki meherbani rahe….

INT. XXXX – DAY

ECU of a man’s face

He is lying on a bed. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

WOMAN (VO)

Aur mere pe tabhi jadoo sa hua.

The woman smells something in the air. Takes a deep breath in. Almost bliss. She takes a Man’s pant, which is hanging in one corner of the room, slyly puts her hand in one of the pockets, and finds something, smiles, tries to cover up her expression. Gets out of the room with a packet in hand.

CUT TO

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

All 9-10 year olds in the classroom. A man sitting on a chair, talking to the students.

TEACHER

Simple sa sawaal hai. Yeh batana ki tumko kaun sa khusboo sabse pasand hai aur kyun ?

We see the same fat girl (with big bum) sitting on the right hand side of the teacher. The teacher points his hand in the right direction.

TEACHER

Idhar se chaloo karo.

GIRL1

Gulaab. Kyunki bahut acchi khusboo hai.

She sits down.

GIRL2

Chameli ka….

She also sits down after saying the answer.

The fat girl, Bum, is next. She has a disgusted look at her face. Hesitatingly, she stands up.

FAT KID/GIRL

Rollies…

TEACHER (shouts out)

…Rollies….

FAT KID/GIRL

jo Papa roll karte hain na….usko roll karne ke pehle…..

INT. HOUSE – DAY

We see a middle-aged man rolling tobacco into tabacco paper. The fat kid/girl peeping through one corner and inhaling it.

CUT TO

INT. HOUSE – DAY

WOMAN

Phir kya ? Bum pe bum bum padi. Aur us din maine isko baad me phone kiya…sorry bolne ko….

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Close up of the man’s face – He is nodding his head to some music and enjoying it. Twitching his lips with a blissful/orgasmic feeling.

WOMAN(VO)

Ek baar call kiya…..do baar call kiya…..phir last baar…

The Woman is making call through her mobile.

We hear the sound of mobile vibration. The camera tilts down to show that the guy has kept his mobile just under his crotch, it’s in silent vibration mode and as it vibrates, giving a ticklish feeling and he is enjoying it. He pulls out the mobile from under the crotch and takes the call.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

MAN

Maza aata hai. Try karke dekho (winks). Ma kasam. Par us raat main phir so nahi paaya…..

We see the man mixing a bottle of some liquid with lemonade. Gulps it down. And then sitting on the shit pot.

MAN (VO)

Ab tak uska chehra nahi dekha tha. Par usne le li meri…teen baar…hattrick…woh bhi picche se….virgin tha main…….ma kasam…picche se….

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

We see that the man is lying on a bed. The Woman is taking a thin pipe and is putting it inside him, from behind. She is in doctor/nurse’s uniform.

CUT TO

CU of the tv screen – The camera shows his intestine on the screen. She is doing colonoscopy. She is staring blankly at the screen. Is very happy at the result on the screen.

WOMAN (VO)

Gulabi. Bilkul gulabi. Aisa pehle nahi dekha tha. It was love at first sight…

INT. HOUSE – DAY

We realise that the man and the woman are sitting next to each other.

MAN

….sight nahi…at first pipe…..woh gaana iska favourite hai…gulaabi aantein jo teri dekhi…deewana mera dil….He laughs out singing.

WOMAN

Tab jaake pehli bar usko dekha. Samne se . Picche tha bhi nahi kuch dekhne ko….

(she laughs out hysterically)

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The woman comes to the front, looks at him. They stare each other for few seconds. The man still on the bed.

MAN (VO)

Kehte hai na, opposites attract.

CUT TO

We see the back of the man with no bum and the woman with big bum, walking closely next to each other. The screen forms a heart shape and zooms into their bums.

The end.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Synopsis – Its a story about two people, their weird nature, how they meet thrice and finally fall for each other. She is a doctor. And he needs to get his colonscopy done. She does it right, only at the third time. And they are narrating their experiences. The hospital setting, colonoscopy factor is not revealed from the start. So, its mostly in close ups and location is marked as XXX in the script.

Also, he could not sleep the night before because one is suppose to drink a liquid mixed with any lemonade that cleans your system completely. You almost remain on the shitpot every few minutes.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

Comments
  1. Manu Warrier says:

    Enjoyed it 🙂 Wacky and slightly bizarre, only thing I would add a scene to show how both of them were very lonely(or how their bums were lonely) before their first meeting. Immediately after the Screen blacks out the first time. Just a suggestion, it might appear spoon fed but would make the premise more clearer.

    Keep me updated on it, wanna see when it is made. Good luck and Cheers

  2. lovely!
    do it!!!
    I’ll do the poster design

  3. George k Antoney says:

    NICEEE !

    make it

  4. jahan says:

    super! Bum bum bole, mast mein dole!

  5. Mihir Desai says:

    Hi,
    My comments would be a little more on the technical side.
    Nice little feel-good script man. Make sure your transitions are motivated for a better flow. By motivation I mean something from the previous scene that leads to the next.
    Eg. You could have the “grown up” woman reach out for a spoon and (match)cut to the “fat 10yr old” Girl continuing the action of using the spoon. Also while writing a script make sure if it’s a flashback (which it is) add that w/ your scene heading (now obv you wouldn’t in your film but it becomes necessary in the screenplay)
    Eg. INT. HOME. DAY – FLASHBACK
    Most important, try naming the characters to avoid any confusion. Even if you call them “Bum” and “Chum” it would help reader track the characters and the first time to introduce them write it out in upper Caps.
    You’ve done a great job in creating a certain atmosphere but the only thing that lacks is an emotional connect. Nothing so far is making me root for the characters, maybe more interactions? (especially as childhood friends could help?) Because right now they are in their own world and somehow they meet…which makes me care for them as individuals but not as a couple.
    Lastly, as of now it seems like the synopsis is explaning everything more than the screenplay itself — which may not be a good sign.
    Other than that, I really enjoyed reading it. Nice lines and a breezy script.
    Hope this helps.
    Looking forward to seeing the film.
    Regards,
    Mihir

  6. Fatema says:

    Frankly, found it interesting, attention-grabbing, didn’t understand so it kept me hooked till the end to know what happens. And I liked the end. Spoofy and not overdone. Went back to the script to read it again as the synopsis did not fit into my first reading of the script. If it were a film I’d rewind and watch it again.

  7. varsha says:

    Nicely weird script but brings a smile…definitely worth a shot. A few of mihir’s observations rings true, there is a certain lack of emotional connect, gotta make a little effort somehow to wing that in, else the premise of them being together seems too flimsy…
    Rest everything works…cute and breezy.

  8. Rasik says:

    i was totally hooked to the story. Very engaging.But, i guess much will depend on the actors to make the movie work.

  9. @pvijay says:

    LOL… God! I’ve also had colonoscopy. Why didn’t this occur to me! May be I should have chosen the doctor wisely 😉

    During the procedure when I was writhing, the doctor reminded me,”No pain, no gain”. Am still trying to figure out what gain came out (in the last 7 years) of all that pain! Happy to find someone who gained something.

    I liked the script very much- the idea, execution, character names… 😀 Mihir’s improvements are superb. Incorporate those which you can. (And change the name “synopsis”- it’s more of a footnote)

    Hoping to see Bum and Chum on screen soon…

  10. pratim says:

    Terrific terrific script! Hope it gets made… It’s beauty is in the bizarreness… Bravo, bravo!!

  11. Ramana says:

    As I had said earlier, I loved the quirkiness of the story. It is just that, imagining it on screen, it might not be perfectly clear that a colonoscopy is being done. You might want to add that towards the end (when the colonoscopy screen is revealed) through a v.o. or a zoom out of a colonoscopy hospital.

  12. Amazing is the script, wild.. whacky… wierd..but enjoyable !
    Why i felt the mood is inspired by LSD ? 😛
    Lil’ worried about execution.. the synopsis u put at end.. can’t be put while filming it.. hope audience get the entire sequence at first place..
    Also tricky scripts can’t afford loose acting.. so u need to rope in good actors..
    All the very best !

  13. S says:

    The premise is very clear- we’re never happy with what we have- straight hair people want curly while curly haired want straight, similarly the ‘whites’ go to tanning and ‘browns’ go bleaching, basically everyone in this world is trying to ‘fit in’ in some way or another- nice universal theme. Script- Seems more like a shooting script than a clear, concise script but if it’s not a screenwriting festival don’t bother. I still think you’d rather put all slug lines and character names as clearly because if anything is supposed to be elusive it will come out during filming of the script. If you keep the script without clear slug lines it might also trouble the production people on set who must keep a continuity record etc. Consistency/Rhythm- seems a bit disjointed, a montage-ish treatment which is cool as long as you pull the audience into the journey of these two people, maybe use match-cuts while showing their flaws (thin-fat), we know they are flawed and they both have to do something to get what they want. This pulls us into their individual stories because their motivation/flaws/desires are very clear. The opening is funny, character names are hilarious and very well integrated with the heart of the story, however, somewhere in the second half I felt it went from fun to slapstick, almost feels like a fad now to use hindi slang with vishal bharadwaj and anurag kashyap making it cooler, nothing wrong with slapstick, just have to make sure it’s not too much on the nose and rendered well or it might look completely ridiculous and cause a kind of discomfort in the audiences. It has to be believable. Be careful of the age factor, at 9-10 years of age if he/she uses words like ‘gaand’ you might want to justify it by setting them around a fowl mouth family/friends/other influences like having a porn library across the road where cheap talk can be overheard. Just try to make it believable that these characters are capable of saying such things.
    The end is a surprise, didn’t know that this was or could be a love story, that’s amazing! It is weird but works. I’m sure this is going to be a successful short, it’s got the quirkiness to be memorable! Break a leg!!

  14. S says:

    On a second reading I understood your action with the XXX slugs before that I was clueless. Suggestion- You could use one voice over that makes a clear viewpoint of the protagonist of this story. If it’s the Man’s story, have only his voice overs, the woman’s voice over may not be necessary or might change the perspective of the story.

  15. Rusted rick says:

    wicked…love it!!!
    minus the title…

  16. kennydb says:

    It’s nice. Maybe too cute. But does bring a smile forth at the end. A little tough to understand from just the script, but I guess the screen version will be clearer.

  17. moifightclub says:

    Thanx a ton guys. I thought u guys are gonna rip it apart but so far all seems good. so, its not that bad script. let me try to rewrite it with all the feedback. and yes, if you are still holding yourself back from writing anything negative, please dont. go ahead and do it. always helps.

  18. gopal.krishna says:

    i cannot understand hindi.but i can understand it. don’t use it for toilet. iam also want to become a film director. first we need patitence.all the best

  19. Vivek says:

    To ye finally bani ki nahi?

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