F.i.g.h.t C.l.u.b

Among many other things, his twitter bio includes a distinct aspiration – future porn filmmaker. And as we wish him all the best for it, who better than writer-filmmaker Suparn Verma to look back into Bollywood’s past which might have triggered off this aspiration of his. So here’s Bollywood’s Rape-O-Meter according to him. Read on.

Rape is an ugly word of a horrible and cowardly act.

But in Bollywood especially in the 70’s and 80’s it was actually considered as necessary as an item number.

The movie pitch went something like this ‘Sirji, Introduction of hero on a dark night, he saves the heroine from being raped and beats up 10 goons,  3 romantic songs, 1 religious song, 1 sad song and 1 item number, 4 action scenes, and Sir beat this our film will have not 1! Not 2! But 3 rape scenes!’

Why did we need those scenes?

Two reasons in my opinion. Firstly in those days the skin code was unimaginable, so only the vamp or the victim could show skin, even the heroine had to be shown as a bitch in a swimsuit before she was reformed by the man into a salwar or sari clad socially acceptable ‘bhartiya nari’.

Secondly, all action films followed a simple formula almost as if it was a game called Screw-the-hero!

So the villains would start by raping the bhabi and killing her husband, and putting the hero behind bars for the crime. In his absence his sister would be raped as well and his parents killed. The wife would be saved for the second act whereupon his release he would get one more romantic song with her before she too was raped and killed and then the hero would be tortured till the vamp let him out and he would take on the entire crew of villains beating them up as he would make each punch count.

‘Yeh meri abla bhabhi ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘Yeh mere bhai ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘Yeh meri behen ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘yeh mere bhoode maa-baap ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘yeh meri biwi aur uske pet ke andar panap rahe bacche ke liye’ DISHOOM! And then came the final blow ‘aur yeh insaniyat ke dushman tujhe jeene ka koi haq nahin….yeh….mere liye’ DISHOOM

But as the filmmakers tried and found new ways to create those item rape scenes, they actually invented a new form of comedy.

Truly! You would exclaim, how can such a disgusting act be made funny!

I will show you how today.

But before that I have to share certain statistics a fellow Bollywood fan and amateur statistician had put up on the net. I call it the Bollywood Villains Rape-o-Meter.

Top lining the gang of Rapists is

Rapist No. 1 – Prem Chopra with 250 rapes in his career….to quote the man the legend ‘Mera naam hai Prem….Prem Chopra’

Rapist No. 2 – Ranjeet with 150 rapes comes close. This man ruled the rape scene from 1970-1985

Rapist No. 3 – Danny Denzongpa has 110+ rape scenes to his credit. The reason why these guys also make it to the top is because in the 70’s and 80’s even the villains would be multi-starrers, so the above three or some combinations would indulge in group rapes so that they all could be killed in 10 minute intervals in the second half.

Rapist No. 4 – Shakti Kapoor with over 80 rapes to his credit

Rapist No. 5 – Amjad Khan with over 30+ rapes to his screen credit, in 1981 every film he acted in had a rape scene.

Rapist No. 6 – The original Bad Man of Hindi cinema – Gulshan Grover, with over 22+ rape scenes to his credit.

The others in this infamous list include The Lion – Ajit (12), Amrish Puri (9), Premnath (3), Rehman (7), Om Puri (6), the awesome Jeevan (6), Ruppesh Kumar never got a solo rape scene but only participated in a group (5), Kiran Kumar (4), K N Singh (3), Madan Puri (2) and finally Mac Mohan (1).

Presenting to you today are the funniest rape scenes from Bollywood. Let me prepare you for the climatic one. It is from Manoj Kumar’s cult movie Clerk!

To kick things off we have Ranjeet enacting the famous Bollywood group rape scene with quotable gems being spouted by them

On the subject of rapes, it is a very interesting fact to note that the ethereal Poonam Dhillon left the industry after her career got into this cycle of being raped in every second film. This scene is Bollywood creators favourite setting! A dark night, stock shots of lightning and rain and the rapists laughing like hyenas

Ever wanted to see how a date rape could kill you?…laughing I mean? Gullubhai will show you how it’s done in this howlarious sequence

While we are on the subject of Gulshan Grover, this one has him playing the flute to Divya Bharti, in a getup that screams I am gonna rape you, but still the lamb-like Bharti gets in the vanity van.

One of my all time favourites with Shakti Kapoor and Anita Raaj. Did you know that she ended her career by being raped by Shakti Kapoor in 6 films in a row! This one has her tried to a fake wall actually asking ‘What are you doing?’

I know I promised you the most funny rape scene ever! Well this one is from Manoj Kumar’s Clerk, where the 100 year old Bharat Kumar plays a college student! He also manages to do the impossible – make Rekha look like a skunk – I do mean a skunk not a skank!!! If you don’t believe me check out that hideous wig or head gear long with the make-up. But coming back to the matter at hand…it has Omshiv Puri raping….once again Anita Raaj. One piece of advise, when you hear these six words again…RUN….’Sweety, Sweety, Sweety..Baby, Baby, Baby’