Archive for the ‘shit’ Category

Yes, thats the cake. And no, its not a typo for PLUM cake. Its a SLUM cake! Aur bolo ? Not only the idea is disgusting but even it looks fugly! Imagine, you are eating a slum at a birthday party. How moronic! Well, its Bollylalaland. It was Javed Akhtar’s idea, cut by Shabana Azmi and bollywood biggies danced their way to glory.

Click here to read to Guardian piece on slum cake. Click here for the party pics and here for the party report. And if you wondering about Vidya Balan’s weird wardrobe, well, headgear was the theme of the party.

We are sure that by now everyone knows the hottest word after “Paul” is “Jackass”. And if you are one of those who are still in wonderland, click here and here to read what,why,when and how it happened!

And it seems that Jackass Kumar and Big Buddhu B soon realised their mistake. It was backlash from every side. And in order to cover up the mess, they score a WTF hattrick. Today Bombay Blunder Times carried a story on their last page stating that it was their idea. WOW! To quote from the article….

But the point is this: Akshay Kumar didn’t visit Laxman in hospital to promote his film. It was our idea. He is, after all, playing the great cartoonist’s Common Man in his next release Khatta Meetha. At 86, ailing for close to a month, deprived of speech, struggling to get back movement, Laxman welcomes visitors. The alert and curious eyes light up, the handshake is firm and he refuses to let visitors go. They make him feel better. His wife Kamala and daughter-in-law Usha report a difference in his progress when people are around. “Akshay’s visit really made him happy, he perked up,” says Usha.

Everybody is welcome to visit Laxman, he’s on the 7th floor, room 712 of the hospital. Akshay Kumar took the time to do so. Who’s next?

Click here to go the epaper version of TOI. Select Bombay Times and then go to the last page of  14th July 2010 issue. Of course, they had no choice but to take the blame because the whole world knows the keyword called “medianet”. And it means if we want to inaugurate our new potty with Jackass Kumar grining next to it, it can come on the first page of Blunder Times. One just has to sign a fat cheque.

And whats worse, they have put out a new pic. The grin has vanished! Jackass Kumar is now all sober. Take a look.

This is the worst possible idea after making that mistake. Its confirms that they also realised the crime they committed! And today  Madhavan Narayanan, journalist/columnist with Hindustan Times, tweeted…

A source close to Laxman family has mailed me saying they were “not happy” with Akki’s behavior.

He even put out a post on the whole issue and also clarified that he knows the family. To quote his previous tweet…

I used to work 10 feet away from Mr. Laxman in TOI and we used to watch him in awe. His son was a colleague as well.

Click here to read his kickass post on the Jackass controversy. So, whats next ? What will the combo of Jackass Kumar and Blunder Times deliver. We are waiting and how!

Because calling him filmmaker would be disrespect to the medium. So, after his Hey Potty, he is back with HouseFool.

Check out his latest interview. There are some million gems in it. Its a must must must watch! So, click on the video, sit back, relax and take a deep breath. Its 25mins long but trust us, its all worth it!

Filmmakers and critics – it always been a strange relationship and it will remain that way. Its more weird in India because most critics are not full time critics here. They handle editorial responsibilities as well, and for that, they need the same stars/directors almost everyday. Bonds develop and every critic have their own set of people for whom they are biased, consciously or sub-consciously. One star more, half a star less, anyone can easily manipulate.

And this is why gasbags like Sajid Khan dares to open his mouth. But who is he ? The filmmaker, oops, pottymaker who directed that potty piece full of potty jokes called  Hey Baby ( we are still not sure about the number of ‘y’s and why so). Like many other shitty ones, this one also worked at the box office. Since then the pottymaker has been shouting from rooftop that he deserves better stars. Can someone please explain to him that there is a BIG differnce between trade analyst and film critic. On second thoughts, if he had the brains to understand that then he would have never have been a pottymaker at first place.

Here’s the critics qawwali which he performed at the Star Sabse Favourite Kaun Award show recently. Enjoy, if you can.

Because he or she needs to be fired now! Dont belive us, check out the video from 5:22.

We dont follow any of these maha-muqabla or maha-sangram but a good friend mailed us this one and we could not understand the maths. If you cant play the video, here is what the anchor says….

Final round se pahle Shaan ki team thi 81 points par aur Himesh’s Warriors thi 78 points par… THREE points ka difference. 

Shaan’s Strikers ka is round ke baad final score hai 122 points. Himesh ke honge isse kam ya jyada?

Is round me Himesh ko mile hain 43 points. Jiska matlab hai  unka final total hai 123.5 points aur aaj ke winner hain Himesh’s Warriors. WTF!  78+43 = 121 or 123.5 ??

This doesn’t need a Maha Maths but  the show declared Himesh as Winners! Can someone connect the missing link!

Surprise! surprise! Someone has suddenly found a new love. Till yesterday he had a favourite hobby and every night before going to bed, he used to spare time and space for it. Just go to his blog and you can read all those lovely words dedicated to the hobby called media-bashing. Even the film Paa wasnt spared, though there was no sense to it.

Now that his home production Paa has managed to get some good reviews and making money at the box office, he has mailed love letters to media persons working in various newspapers, magazines, channels and portals, thanking them for their support and appreciation. All signed by him. Guess what happened to that good old hobby!!??? Though we cant reveal the person’s name but a good soul mailed us a copy of the letter. Have a look.

If you cant read the text of the letter, it says….

My Dear XXX,

I am writing to express my deepest gratitude towards you and your prestigious XXX for giving our film “PAA” support and appreciation.

The magnanimous affection demonstrated by the media has been most overwhelming. Our company and we wish to express our gratitude for this kind gesture.

                                                                     With warm regards

                                                                     Amitabh Bachchan

                                                                    Abhishek Bachchan 

Not very very long ago, the same Amitabh Bachchan wrote these lines on his blog…

You mention in your article under reference that I should not forget that the media has had a distinct hand in my stardom. Ho ! Ho Ho ! … now we are all laughing !

Firstly, I have never ever accepted or believed in this media created epithet of stardom or any other ‘dom’. And secondly, for 18 years under the ban of the media, Amitabh Bachchan ‘the actor’ that you admire, had his most successful run at the box office.  So get off your high horse and smell the dung. Media will be incapable of making or breaking an actor. Only the masses have that strength and you are still very far away from that criteria.

You can read the full post here. This was in reply to Abhijit Mazumder’s column in Mid-day.

Dear Mr Bachchan,

What happened ? Is the letter a mistake ? Why this change in stand suddenly ? Or is this a fake love letter ? An actor of your calibre surely knows how to fake it, and fake it well.


BTW, Big B’s next release Rann directed by Ram Gopal Varma also promises to expose the media. The remote controlled country! And he is the same actor who created that Patna based stupid monster SKJ, whose claim to fame is false reports, a mention by Bachchan on his show Kaun Banega Crorepati and Sonu Nigam! Talk about corrupting the media. Ho Ho Ho…now we are all laughing!

Beat this! This is called guts! Even when his recent release Radio has proved to be a big dud at the box office and has been killed by every possible sane reviewer, Himesh Reshammiya is again threatening us with a new film. Bhaag Bhola, Run Lola, Himesh Bhai is back!

The film is Kajraare, directed by Pooja Bhatt! T-Series is producing the film and its written by Mahesh Bhatt. A man trying to run away from his past….A woman trying to escape her future! Sounds like they are going to meet on the sets of new tv show “Raaz Picchle Janam Ka“.

Out of 12 pages of today’s Bombay Times, three full pages have Himesh on it. The first page, second page and one more. The morning chai rarely taste so better! Mr Pinky-dinky-lips! Take a look and enjoy!

And here is the third page. The list of critics you should never trust! Our favourite is Juginder Chuteja, oops, Tuteja!


Finally managed to catch Paa. The film which is touching every heart, making everyone cry, the “very rare” story. The “moving” film of the year.

Not sure what “very rare” exactly means. Beacuse we always felt that the word “rare” has “very” attached to it. May be Balki can explain it better. But here is the list of “very rare” things that we discovered in “Paa”.

1. The film moves in montages. Some 15-20 montages. No scenes, no dialogues. Everytime you are stuck, the answer is simple. So how does it happen ? Just play the background music and put the visuals. It doesnt matter, just increase the volume, it will flow. Father-Mother meet. Check montage. Father-son meet. Check montage. Politician goes for the act. Check montage. Kingfisher Airlines. Check Montage. The list is long and its boring!

2. Paa is the official theatrical trailer of Ramu’s next release Rann. Big B does it religiously, almost everyday, before going to bed. He blogs about it. The Small D has done it on the big screen. He suddenly goes for the big expose, which has no relation, no meaning to the main story. Media-bashing! And the way its done, we thought it looked like an internship project of  B-handarkar Woods International. Has B-alki done a short-term course from there ?

3. Paresh Rawal has one dialogue after every 12 minutes 52 seconds. And interestingly, it doesnt matter what he says, why he says and where he says. He is there to make you smile.

4. Balki is obsessesd with two things. Age – over age, under age, age difference. And over-smart kids who will mouth over-smart lines and will tickle your funny bones.

5. It breaks every rule of screenwriting. Even the eternal ones. Remember “dont say, show it”. Jaya Bachchan makes a special appearance to “say” the entire credit roll. Why ? Because its “very rare”.

6. Progeria ? Whats that ? Its a “very rare” disease. And ? And thats it. Synonym – Prosthetics.

7. The most important relationship in the film – Paa & Progeria. What do you feel when you see the bond ? Nothing. Because its cut to one more song. Check montage. There is nothing more to it. Where is the bond ? The relationship ? The “very rare” father-son-son-father-whatever-it-is ? Remember Masoom and that killer line – Kya main aapko Daddy bula sakta hoon ? The ever reliable Naseeruddin Shah & Jugal Hansraj at his career’s best. The montage works only when there is a pre-roll and post-roll to it. Otherwise, its nothing. 

8. A very-rare mutant creature on top of a clock. Is it a fish, a cockroach, a bird, a plane or a super-insect ? Every 15 minutes, there is a shot of it. Why ? Because its “very rare”. The most repetitive visual. Time’s running out!

9. Is Vidya Balan the new brand ambassador for FabIndia or some such brands. Every scene, she is in a new saree that reminds you of the previous one. Sometimes, even in one scene there are few saree changes. (Courtesy – my friend Deepak confirmed it). The film can be alternately titled Saree-spotting!

10.  Balki = Pure Gimmick = “Very Rare” talent. Give him 15 seconds and he will rock. His advertising background explains that. The promos of Cheeni Kum and Paa re-confirms it. Like Cheeni Kum, Paa is just 15 seconds idea with some smart one-liners. All that you need in advertising.

Everything else is a mess. A big mess, which is boring and is desperately begging for sympathy. Not sure if any kind of glycerine will also help in that cheesy death scene.

OR are we the only members left in the Club ICB ? Not actually, if you read the Guardian and The New York Times reviews. Click here and here to read the reviews.

And one thats not rare….

Arundhati Nag. She is still the same. Such natural presence. In every scene, whenever she is there, the keyword is effortless acting. Can we please see her more often!

PS : ICB – Inglourious Cynical Basterds. 

Amitabh BachchanOne is growing insane with every passing day. Blame it on old age! The other is nasty and mean like any other tabloid. Whom to trust, thats difficult to judge, but we are loving it!

To celebrate Amitabh Bachchan’s birthday, Mid Day’s editor Abhijit Majumder did an interview with him and it was carried as the cover story on Sunday Mid Day (Oct 11). As expected, Bachchan’s interview was boring as always. Who’s the best director you’ve worked with? All. What are your favourite Bachchan films? Very, very tough. I like different films from my different phases. Women the world over have chased you. Have you chased any woman? No. And I don’t believe women chase me. Well, I did chase my wife and married her. Of all your female leads, was Rekha special? They’ve all been special. But people remember Rekha and your screen chemistry. I don’t know what screen chemistry is.

Huh! Boring as hell! Nothing new, nothing interesting! Only if it were all true. You can read the full interview here. The interview might be boring but post-interview it got interesting.

Later on, Bachchan got to know that the interview was recorded on a video camera too and he wasnt told about it. Bachchan felt it was a sting operation (see the pic. courtesy Mid Day)! On his blog, he attacked Abhijit Majumder and how! To quote from his blog…..

Two days later an FmXt member draws my attention to a video clip of my interview with the paper. I am surprised to hear it because I had never expected either the paper or any one else to have posted something which I would be unaware of. I saw the interview that has been put on air through a MidDay enterprise which works as a electronic news maker and now realize why Mr Majumdar wanted a personal meeting. He had placed a small ’sting’ camera on the table in front of me, without informing me that the interview was being video taped as well. He never told me that they had a video net facility in operation and that the recorded interview would find a place there.

Mr Majumdar, you were dishonest with me ! You insisted on a one to one interview not because you were being deprived of the opportunity of your ‘first’ with me, but because you had malefide intent of recording the interview to be used as a live input on a video electronic facility medium that your paper runs. Had you told me that you were recording this for a net broadcast I would never have minded. I was doing several electronic interviews every minute and another would have not made any difference. But by lying to me, the integrity that I had associated with you as an Editor for the paper you work for, has been damaged. Your entire effort, now that I look back, in assuring me of wanting to bring in change, of giving me the impression of an upright and erudite journalist has unfortunately been destroyed by this one incident. You have proven to me, yet again, that you or your tribe cannot be trusted.

Woohoo! You can read the full post by Amitabh Bachchan here.

In today’s edition of the paper, Abhijit Majumder has issued his clarification through a column and claims that he had not only told Bachchan about it but had even asked the same to his secretary. To quote Majumder…

Either you are lying or I am. I would like to believe it is neither; it’s just your memory playing tricks at twilight.

Which is acceptable.

What is not acceptable is loosely accusing a journalist who has learnt journalism the hard way and prides in his integrity of mala fide intention, lying and suchlike. If my intention were to malign you, I wouldn’t have spent a considerable amount of my time and energy trying to build bridges with you ignoring your past rants against MiD DAY in your blog, sought an interview and played it up on the front page.

Also, your accusation that what you said was misrepresented is facile because the interview in a pretty straightforward question -and-answer format and all that you said is recorded.

Click here to read the full column by Abhijit Majumder. He has also been tweeting about it. Check .

Next, its  Bachchan’s turn! Will he respond to Majumder’s letter ? Lets see. BTW, surprisingly we cant trace the Mid-Day video interview on youtube. It was online till yesterday! Or is youtube playing hide and seek with us ? You can search for Mid-Day’s video channel on youtube here.

UPDATE (17th Oct) – On his blog, Bachchan has responded to Majumder’s open letter. And this is getting better. To quote from his blog…

Mr Majumdar you say that you ‘had mentioned that both audio and video would be recorded’. That is undiluted garbage stinking rubbish. Every sms of yours seeking my interview is saved on my mobile. Every telephone conversation that you had with my office in this regard has been recorded. And, as you have yourself accepted, every move, action and word that you spoke on the day from the moment you entered my office to the time you left, is on video tape with me. No where, and I repeat, no where have you mentioned, that you would be doing a video recording. If you say your photographer Pradeep Dhiver was there, may I also inform you that my photographer Paresh Mehta and his two assistants were also there. You are not going to beat me by throwing names. These videos can be put up on my blog at the press of a button. Wanna’ see ?

And dear Sir, its not about your ‘word versus mine’, its about your video tape versus mine. And mine says that your conscience is not ‘clear’ at all. It is as densely clouded as the monsoon sky, so ironically visible on the day you came to take my interview.

If you were to look me straight in the eye and challenge me, I would not hesitate to look you straight back and justify. Put this cap of self righteous zeal over your own head and then come riding with me. I’ll whip your horse and you mine and lets see who rides the furthest and the longest.

You can read the full post here or in the comments section, as Ajay has put it there. 

Akshay KumarAnd some more…I think the star who has the most false packaging is Akshay Kumar. He’s my best friend, but I’m saying it on record. And more….The media gives Akshay the license to remain A-list when the ROI (return on investment) doesn’t permit that. And some more…..What does Akshay have? 1000 crores? He always says I don’t care for awards, but he’ll never get one. You can pull a bluff once, not 10 times. Sounds interesting ? Read on!

Shailendra Singh is one of the most articulate and loudest-mouth in bollywood. And its not diffcult to guess where is it coming from. Lets REWIND. According to gossipmongers, Percept Picture Company (PPC) signed Akshay Kumar for Nagesh Kuknoor’s Tasveer with a big fat cheque. But for some reasons, the schedule went haywire and Akshay’s dates were wasted. Akshay demanded more or he would not complete the film. Percept tried to be oversmart. They said they will pay him more and asked him to voice Jumbo (animation film) as well. Both the parties somehow agreed on a figure and Akshay finally completed Tasveer.

At the box office, both the films sank without any trace. Tasveer was unbearable anyway. And since then Percept has been in really bad shape. People have quit or made to quit and they are still trying to figure out their future plan. Blame it all on Khiladi Kumar!

You can read the full TOI interview here or scroll down. BTW, the most funniest part is that he repeats few times that Akshay Kumar is his good friend. We are ROFL! Interesting bits in bold! Enjoy!

Shailendra Singh1What brought you to Delhi ?

My peace initiative in Kargil, of course, and my new venture in stand-up gigs. I’m expecting a return of Rs 10 crore on that, and I’m going to invest Rs 2-3 crore in the next three years. Stand-up comedy is serious business for me. It was four years ago too, when I recommended it to Star Plus, and they took it and made it into Laughter Challenge. I lost an opportunity with them, but it’s okay. I waited for that to mature and came back to the idea. This time, it’s in six languages – English, Punjabi, Hindi, Gujarati, Marathi and Bengali. It’s simple, low on investment and a great product. People want uncomplicated entertainment, they don’t want to get confused. I think cinema is cheating them, they don’t want to spend 250 bucks and get a shit looking film.

Why is North India so interesting to producers now?

Bombay’s packed. There are nine press conferences in Bombay every day, with a Salman and a Shahid and an Asha Bhonsle standing there. The media there doesn’t even care now. Delhi doesn’t have celebs – you have politicians and fashion designers. So put ’em (actors) on a flight and take them to the city, and boom. Ludhiana, Chandigarh, Lucknow – that is the future. UP is the largest player for Manmohan Singh, not just for you and me. It’s population-based – the consumer exists, it’s all about technology reaching them. The one thing I understand is the consumer. That’s why, in motion pictures, I’ve stuck to what I know best – content. It just reinforces my belief that in cinema, content is king. Packaging cannot rule. Bollywood had 300 releases this year, and 292 flops. Promos show songs – why? Where’s the story, where’s the dialogue promo?

So the consumer’s evolved to the point where they don’t want just ‘the song’?

Of course. It’s 250 bucks for a ticket, some cola, popcorn. What do you spend 10 dollars for? Timepass? Some average looking product? Value for money is going to get even sharper now. The North is huge – it has six states. And now, due to telephony and the media, the level of understanding has grown. The spending power was always there. People just didn’t know how to spend their money. Now, they’ve understood that it’s not about saving. Abhi ke liye jiyo, f*** tomorrow, man. The food and beverages offtake in the North is huge, and its 65 per cent of the money. The interval has gone up from five minutes to 24 minutes, and they don’t play trailers in intervals now – so that people can go and eat.

The common belief is that since all you get is the first weekend, in ‘multiplex cinema’, you have to make a movie with stars to get the audiences.

I don’t think so. I think the star who has the most false packaging is Akshay Kumar. He’s my best friend, but I’m saying it on record. It was my biggest mistake – Jaaneman, with Akshay and Salman, got a 22 per cent opening. There was no reason for that. It was well-shot, great music, the works. The star doesn’t get the opening. The consumer has matured to the point where he knows what content he has an appetite for. Akshay doesn’t get an opening. Tasveer 8×10 was fine. I got a 12 per cent opening. Akshay doesn’t have a fan following. It’s all media-created. They can get written about, but they can’t get people to watch their films. After Kanchivaram’s success, I believe in content. Akshay without content is nothing, just hot air.

Has Kambakkht Ishq proved it?

Everything is proving it. He just surrounds himself with talent. When he succeeds, he says it’s him, when he doesn’t, he blames it on his support cast. His first movie with the ‘lucky’ Katrina didn’t run for a day. He doesn’t have the aura. Aamir has it, Shah Rukh has it, he doesn’t.

And Salman?

No. He’s lost his equity over the years. But he’s fun, he’s my best friend, I love him, and he’s in – he has a blast, he doesn’t care. I think his fans also believe in that, and they live his lifestyle more than his cinema.

Was Nagesh (Kukunoor) a factor in the failure of 8×10?

No. He’s making brilliant films for me… Aashayein, Yeh Honsla – and he was super in Dor, in Iqbal. He also has his space. But he also trusted Akshay. It’s happened before with another director – Madhur (Bhandarkar) made a film called Aan – Men At Work with Akshay. That flopped too. The media gives Akshay the license to remain A-list when the ROI (return on investment) doesn’t permit that.

What do you think of Aamir and Shah Rukh’s films?

They make their mistakes too, but their success is greater than their mistakes. They don’t cheat the customer. Akshay is a buddy, he’ll kill me for this, but there it is. There’s something called the right price. You have a cup of tea at a five-star for 400 bucks because of the ambient music and the surroundings, but the cup of tea is worth 40 bucks. Akshay is a good talent, but he has to know his price. You can’t charge 50 crores and not get an opening.

Priyadarshan (the director of Kanchivaram) has said on record that Shailendra Singh forced him to make the movie. He had this film for nine years and no producer backed it. But the corporatisation of Bollywood won’t last long if the prices are not right. On the past few weekends, Bollywood’s collectively lost Rs 350 crores. Aagey Se Right, ShortKut, Luck – even Kaminey, after being successful, is a loss for UTV. Ghajini is the most hyped movie of recent times – on the stock market, UTV showed a loss of Rs 9 crores on it.

On what do you blame this?

Hype. Aamir Khan! Ghajini! By the time Blue releases, it’ll be purple. The price is not right. Even George Clooney, when he charges a lot for a film, takes a stake in it. The whole unit of Kanchivaram did the film for free. They said, if you make money, you give it to us. And everybody’s benefitted. What does Akshay have? 1000 crores? He always says I don’t care for awards, but he’ll never get one. You can pull a bluff once, not 10 times. SRK is so candid about it – he’s said, a movie with me, if it crosses 40 crores, it’s going to go into a loss. He makes all his money from endorsements and dancing at weddings, cinema is for the creativity.

Is that why the big stars are all turning producers these days?

I think they’re being wise. Saif is being wise. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, everybody’s done it. Because you reach a point where you can’t cut you price any longer. You’re a superstar, you charge 20 crores, 30 crores, right? But every movie can’t afford that. Akshay hasn’t got this yet. When you want creativity to be at the helm, you must take a stake in the film, and not charge the cinema. Bollywood is the only business in the universe that has a 90 per cent failure rate and is still running.