Archive for the ‘Bolly Jokes’ Category

We have finally come to the last post of our Rewind 2013 series. If you missed our previous posts in the series, here’s the complete list – 20 Things We Learnt At The Movies and 13 Unanswered Questions is here, Top 10 Musical Gems We Discovered This Year is here, 15 Film Fanatics on 17 Terrific Films That Have Stayed With Them is here, 14 Bollywood Songs We Played in Non-stop Loop Is here, and 16 film buffs on 16 most memorable scenes of the year is here.

This one is on posters. So what is a film poster suppose to do? With so much hype around the release of first look of any film, it’s your first pitch for the audience. It might not make or break your film but it surely starts setting the mood for the film. But do they always tell what the film is all about? A good film poster is a rare thing. And recycling is the funda of the game (we recycled this para too). Click here to read an interesting piece – thirteen movie poster trends that are here to stay and what they say about their movies. And if you heart posters like we do, here‘s another interesting site for minimal movie posters.

We were trying to make at least a dozen honest movie posters. But thanks to computer crash and last minute ditch by another contributor, Varun Grover and Rakhi managed to make only these six. Enjoy. Do share if you have made any.

Besharam 1_final

Chennai Express

Grand-masti1

Jackpot 1

Krish 2

Satyagraha3

Or for that matter any bollywood film? Spoofing is a serious art and a good one needs much more than the combined acting talent of Uday Chopra, Abhishek Bachchan and Katrina Kaif. That’s a big problem with bolllywood – they don’t know how to take a joke. As me and many of my friends have faced similar situation many times in the past because of our tweets or blog posts, it’s hardly surprising anymore. Here’s the latest story. This one is about YRF and Dhoom3.

Here’s the kickass video by AIB guys which completely pwns YRF.

Sunny Deol will soon be seen in a new film titled Bhaiyyaji Superhitt and will be essaying a double role for the first time in his career.

Bombay Times “Exclusively Unveiled” the first look of the film on Monday. Have a look at this picture.

All good, right? Well, now take a look at this picture of Johnny Depp. It’s from GQ cover.

If you are smart, then photoshop can do wonders. But you don’t commit blunders like this. Nobody expects any great journalism from Bombay Times but the least you can do is to verify the pics and the info. You just don’t put Deol’s head on Depp’s body. As the popular contest goes, now spot the 10 differences in the next picture.

Have fun.

Pics and info courtesy – The Daily Honey

Bollywood has only one Bhai-jaan. Then there are the Bhai-fans, Bhai-trolls, Bhai’s Being Human fans and now there are Bhai-films too. Films which are critics-proof, meant only for Eid release & weekend business, and any kind of criticism of the film means You-Don’t-Mess-With-Desi-Zohan warning from Bhai-trolls. Bhai is our Bay (Michael). He is our Transformers, our summer tentpole movies, our 3(bodydguar)D and our Pirate Of the Arabian, all rolled in one. His films represents everything that’s big, bad and means only box office these days. Fatema Kagalwala tries hard to dissect his latest one – Bodyguard. Read on….

“Strength doesn’t come from the ordeals that are thrown at you, but from crossing them. And surviving to tell the tale”

Not some gyaan-guru, it’s the higher self that kicked in with this gem to help overcome the devastating sheerkhurma that Bodyguard made out of her Eid.

But then, I wonder if something is a medium of spiritual insight as powerful as this, can it be bad?

(I see one Mr Siddique and one Mr Shirt-utaro Khan desperately saying no, but my higher self is sushsh-ing them vehemently right now. Not that they will listen I’m sure. Our collective higher selves haven’t stopped Anees Bazmee and Sajid Khan either, have they?)

As I step back and mull with an objective mind, my intuition tells me that Bodyguard is really not what it seems. You know there is a real crisis at the heart of the story, which we, the self-important, ivory tower vultures of meaningful cinema are overlooking. The hint lies in the name itself.

Bodyguard is about identity. Why else spend two+ hours going round and round in circles but begin at a Sallu-Bodyguard and end at Sallu-successful-something? Why else go ALL the way to Pune and Lonavla and climb the tallest hill stations of Maharashtra to make the point? Why get Kareena Kapoor, an almost style icon (Sorry dear word ‘style’) and pin her into the tackiest Linking Road outfits? Why would Salman Khan do a seemingly meaningless film ? Because, didn’t you know, Salman Khan can do no wrong?

So the identity crisis, yes. It begins with Divya who becomes Chhaya. She wants to throw this newly-dumped-on-her bodyguard and does so by impersonating as a swoonie in love with Shirtlessji. How that was supposed to help is left unexplored (or maybe it is one of those deep mysteries of the Universe we as humans are meant to solve? Paulo Coelho would’ve loved this riddle.) So Divya-turned-Chhaya actually falls in love with Hulk Hogan. And Chhaya becomes Divya when Divya is actually Divya. But Divya cannot be Chhaya as long as she is Divya because Mr Muscles (chhee, not the toilet cleaner, I meant Sallu) won’t accept Chhaya if she is Divya. Get the identity crisis bit now?

It is all about becoming. This would be the tag-line if Osho had made this film.

But it is not over yet. Chhaya is yet to become fully. So Dancing Muscles keeps joking around with a terrible fat man who is so-not-funny-it’s-not-a-joke. (There you have a sub-text for another identity crisis. A non-funny funny man trying to be funny so hard that he is anything but funny. Poor guy but brilliantly thoughtful writing) But neither do the muscles run out of proteins nor is Mr Siddique’s Eid biryani getting cold, so everyone takes their own time finding themselves and each other.

While they are at it, we shall look at other peripheral (but important!) characters weaving this very meaningful theme together. There is Raj Babbar, the Maalik and karta-dharta and the most terrible actor we have seen in a century barring his son of course. His identity crisis is subtle, metaphysical even, wherein he is struggling ever-so hard to prove to himself (not us, mind you) that after all these years he hasn’t lost his touch in the art of hamming and he can outdo even a stammering King at the job! His efforts at desperately trying to regain his forgotten identity are touching. And kudos to the director for giving him a chance. What compassion to his fellow human beings he has… Mother Teresa would have been so moved.

Back to the Chhaya search. The metaphor in the name itself is enlightening. Chhaya is an image, not the reality. And then she becomes Maya, an illusion. An explosively intuitive use of language and semantics makes Bodyguard Cannes material. And it is That Girl in Yellow Boots that gets to do festival rounds. Pathetic and shameful is the state of Bollywood.

But then Maya soon gets some debilitating disease (which I am assuming should be the ever-dependable cancer or TB, the good old 60’s-70’s devil since the film is so pre-historic too) and becomes an illusion herself. Her identity now remains only in the pages of a diary she has written for her little son a-la Tina and Anjali in Karan Johar’s “Its all about loving your friends.” (Double-meaning beast! And he claims he makes family entertainers) Maya also runs on the station platform to catch the train that toilet cleaner oops Muscle-man is on. Like the millions of youth who got an identity crisis after watching Soooo Romantic Khan (gag) pulling his girl onto the train, Six Sigma Servant gives out his hand too and invites this cute little chashmish illusion into his already confused life. It is inter-texuality and cinematic references such as these that make Bodyguard a deep, meaningful film. I guess I interpreted my intuition right after all.

So Maya becomes Chhaya just like Bairan became Bhairon but their lives don’t remain narrow. They multiply. But Siddique is a Gandhian (dunno if he follows Anna Hazare though, do you? That’s another identity crisis there but for another day). He believes in change being the only permanent thing, so Maya’s illusions end with her death but our troubles don’t. The new and improved Bodyguard goes back to HAMare maalik for his blessings before he flies to Australia. (Why not US? Oh it’s not a KJo film, silly). Son finds Divya and since Maya said she is Chhaya he wants to dump himself on her. Divya is torn, oh poor girl, but the ISO-certified naukar ‘accepts’ her and agrees to marry her. Was there anyone so dedicated? Why don’t our customer service centres learn something from him?

The end is a beautiful tryst of irony and fate in meaningful cinema wherein it is the ‘hero’ who finds himself and ‘becomes’. He learns of Divya’s identity as Chhaya and is moved (as much as Sallu’s face muscles can move that is) beyond words. So Divya does become Chhaya and Body lets his guard down to accept Divya as Chhaya and Chhaya as Divya and everyone forgets Maya. Sab khaya, piya, pachaya. (Burp!)

(Oh, there is also a villain who used to be a hero but continues to think he is still a hero, he even claims it onscreen. This bloomingly creative touch strengthens the very well-defined theme of identity crisis and finding oneself. I am too moved by the very deep spiritual journey of these characters that has been revealed to me and I need to do some soul-searching to connect with my real self ‘within’. So long! Until my higher self kicks in again, that is.)

Sometimes it’s quite a difficult task to find the right word to describe a person. And when i can’t rely on cusstionary any more, i take the easy way out. Coin a new term. So we have dodos, then we have ch#@ths, and when someone is beyong all these, I have coined a new term for them – Dodooth (D+C). If you click here and read this column called Reflections, am sure you will agree with my idea of Dodoothness.

Nothing is original, this logic is as old as Adam & Eve. And that doesn’t that mean there is nothing called copyright and IP. Strange that we have so much news space in this country that all kind of garbage is dumped in the name of journalism. And even in this weird dodoothness,  it’s hard to believe that Ram Sampath managed to win a copyright case against Rakesh Roshan. Thank God, the Tutejas are not in the judiciary system of this country.

And here is @diaporesis‘ reply to Mr Tuteja’s Reflections.

Mr Tuteja, your article is entertaining. Can I sell it as mine?

Sometime yesterday, Bollywood Hungama, the trade-portal masquerading as review site, happened to accidentally publish a page from Joginder Tuteja’s personal diary. In it, Mr Tuteja, coming to terms with what is, presumably, a speech disorder, explains at length how he has difficulty pronouncing words such as चुग्येओग्जा(please leave eyjafjallajokull for greater gods) . Even though the piece appears to be a legitimate article meant for the general public’s consumption, do not be fooled. It is quite clear that the man is writing to himself.

Here’s an example of his pitiable rant to his Dear Diary:

“Ok, now think of a film called The Chaser, the literal English translation (I guess) for the Korean word on which you just gave up. Yeah, The Chaser; not Chase, Chastity or Chatur. It is plain and simple – The Chaser. Can’t think of any, right? Well, why don’t you try hard.”

As you can clearly see, our delusional diary-writer is addressing himself. He has never heard of The Chaser and conveniently presumes that the rest of the world is as ignorant as he is.

Without going into the details of why such rants (because the entire piece is, overall, a rant and not argument) make no sense, I pose a simple piece of logic before you: if nobody has heard of the movie (extending his logic), how did the comparisons arise in the first place?

At a slight tangent, my gripe with Mr Tuteja’s argumentation is the way in which he cannot produce reasonable arguments to even convince himself. Through most of the piece, Mr Tuteja’s words flail like a broken pieces of a raft on a stormy ocean, alternately despairing and alternately cursing the sea for being so watery. For example, in his piece he says that he’s still trying to locate a certain DVD therefore others couldn’t have seen that movie either. In the next few lines he mentions how piracy is rampant. Um, Mr Tuteja suffers from a joining-the-dots disability as well?

He does not stop at his pitiable laments about his inability to pronounce a certain word. He goes on to prove that he’s unable to employ the faculties of logic and reason as well.

I need not go about arguing against Mr Tuteja’s endorsement of plagiarism. But I do have three serious charges against him: 1) He seems to think it’s fine to copy works of art as long as it’s done entertainingly. I’d love to see his reply to the title of this piece as far this point is concerned. 2) He totally discounts the fact that original creations, however raw, are always more rewarding for the masses and the makers. Ask Anurag Kashyap or Dibakar Banerjee and their fans for evidence. 3) He claims that because he isn’t the thief, he’ll gladly visit a thief’s home and admire the valuable pieces or art etc he has stolen. I, for one, do not even want to provide further arguments about why this is such an asinine argument. Moreover, he goes on to say 99% of us think like him. Really, 99%? Where does he get such fantastic numbers from?

In his rather dreamy rant, he also claims that QT said Kaante was better than Reservoir Dogs. I will save my breath and point you to this piece that Mr Tuteja presumably refers to and challenge you to prove his claim correct.

Dear Mr Tuteja, your arguments are bullshit anyway. You get paid to write about movies that earn lots of money. Not movies per se. There’s a huge difference. Understand that. Appreciate the work of other knowledgeable, hard-working critics who, in India, undergo unfair trials by fire when they praise cinema that is meaningful, honest and well-made rather than crass entertainers that you promote. We can agree to disagree about what cinema should be. But at least, please, get your facts right. Especially when you’re addressing yourself, learn to be honest.

The last point I wish to make is about movies that deserve to be seen but perhaps aren’t seen because viewers assume that since the remakes were shitty, so were the originals. This is far from the truth. Take Oldboy as an example. Zinda was, at times, a frame by frame copy of the movie. But it was an exceedingly passable piece of cinema. Oldboy, on the other hand, is a rivetting and nerve-wracking film that shakes you by the guts and stuns you into shocked silence: an accepted masterpiece of modern Asian cinema. I don’t mind our filmmakers looking for “inspiration”; my problem is that they don’t accept that they looked for inspiration. And, Mr Tuteja, there’s a reason why “inspiration” and “plagiarism” are two different words. Let me point you to dictionary.com if you lack the usual Oxford at home.

As for you, dear reader, spare yourselves the pain of anger. Be kind to him. He knows not what he writes.

And Mr Tuteja, henceforth, please keep your diary private. We cannot be bothered by you being dishonest to even yourself.

Shubhodeep Pal

(I really shouldn’t add a disclaimer to this piece, but here goes: My own views, my impressions, my right to express them. Not intended to slander etc etc.)

( PS – Shubhodeep blogs here. )

(PS1 – Dear Mr Tuteja, you don’t need a dvd to watch Miracle Worker. There is popular site called youtube.com. Little googling and youtubing doesn’t harm anyone. So click on the play button and enjoy.

(PS2 – This is not the first time that Mr Tuteja has made it to our blog. Click here to read about his other credential. As they say, honhaar birwaan ke hoth cheeknay paat.)

As far as my limited cinema knowledge goes, I think there is a big difference between a trailer and a montage. And as the trailer of Bollywood – The Greatest Love Story Ever Told (Who thought about this title?) was out, it was a perfect #Facepalm (for lack of better expression) moment. It even forced Screeny to come out of his slumber and puke out this rambling post. Read on…

Respected Sir,

I’m a Big fan of Mr India, Masoom & Bandit Queen. Have been following your blog on and off. Untill today when I saw the trailer of the documentary which has been produced by you and co, and directed by the “acclaimed director” (have seen him at conferences and am sure he regards himself as one, for having gifted the people of this country THE seminal film – Rang De Basanti) Mr Rakyesh Omprakash Mehra.

Needless to say, I was thoroughly, thoroughly disappointed.

Why? Because the trailer (so is the film I’m sure) is- as usual- selling Bollywood exotica la-la land to the west. The incestous, celebratory, mutual admiration society which regards Aishwarya Rai and Katrina Kaif as ‘icons’ who will talk about Hindi Cinema to the “goras” and tell them in effect – “One billion people are enjoying this. See, this is so special. This is India! This is Indian Cinema! Come, Watch it. And fall in Love. NAMASTE. Achcha Lagta Hai.”

The first half is virtual showreel for the Bachchans, another attempt to sell Aishwarya to the west. The same song and dance routine which we are (in)famous for. The DDLJ clip, the rain, the matrix style shots, the same ghisa-pita bakwaas.

And of course, it contains generous footage from the magnum opus Rang De Basanti. After all Rakeysh (Is the spelling correct? Am a bit confused) Omprakash Mehra is the co-director & UTV is the producer. And the exact same clip when people land up at the India Gate with candles in their hands (the prophetic subtitle below is “This country will change. We will change it”). Yes sir, we will.

I wish you had produced a 2 hour documentary on Kerala or Goa Tourism instead.

Or helped produce any of the films from the “new wave” of Indian cinema, which I’m sure you must be more aware of than me.

At a time when Indian Cinema is taking baby steps towards maturity, and managing to gain a foothold in the international arena, slowly changing “their” perception of “our films” by coming up with IN COMPETITION FILMS like Udaan, Peepli Live, Dhobi Ghat, Harud, Gandu, Shor in the City, Gabhricha Paus, Aranya Kandam, Paruthiveeran, Subramanipuram, the new Wave Tamil & Marathi Cinema; this self congratulatory AV on Bollywood films actually is taking us two steps back, reinforcing the stereotypes. Forcing us to be still perceived as the audience which enjoys 3 hour long musicals embellished with the garangutan setpieces, laughable action sequences & antics, titillating item numbers and melodramatic rejoice.

I was hoping to find some echo in the comments section of this post but clearly, I’m the minority here.

http://shekharkapur.com/blog/2011/04/bollywood-the-greatest-love-story-ever-told-at-the-cannes-film-festival/

I shudder to think how I would react if I would ever meet a “gora” who sees this film and recognises by my skin tone, that I’m an Indian. Will he be overjoyed at what I’m embarassed at ? Will he be like the Japanese tourists from Munnabhai who only want to shoot “dirty, hungry, poor Indians” ? Will I be asked to dance at the Visa interview if (and when) I travel to Europe ?

My nightmarish thoughts aside, I request you to read a post written by you, Sir. Your blogpost on Black Friday and why it is the film which should have gone for Oscars submission instead of Paheli.

http://shekharkapur.com/blog/2005/10/oscar-hoo-haaa/

Yours disappointed,

Screeny

(PS1 –  Have you heard about a documentary film called Videokaaran? Watch it.)

(PS2 – Screeny forgot to mention that if the film turns out to be any good, he will be the first person to say it and will apologise for the post.)

(PS3 – Screeny’s previous posts can be read here, here and here. )

For a moment, we felt that one star is missing in the title and it’s A** Is Killed. But naah, Himesbhai is just a *.

According to TaranBhai’s report, “Himesh was selected by the makers as they felt he suited the part of Sidharth Patel, who is supposed to be an Indian musician absolutely mesmerized by a superstar who is killed under mysterious circumstances. How the truth behind the superstar’s murder unfolds forms the crux of the story.”

And HimeshBhai also claims that “I am the only Indian actor in the film.”

( PS – We need LOL tags soon. For this post, will use the Bolly jokes tag. )