F.i.g.h.t C.l.u.b

Bollywood – its still a strange place. We still dont have any concept of “script readers” and giving feedback to a filmmaker means “you are supposed to say only good things” about his film. And everyone has become so protective about the first look of their film, that passing on the script for feedback is an impossible dream.

We decided to check if the other way can work out. One of us wrote a script for a short film (3-4 mins) and we are putting the script here. Good, bad, fugly, whatever – do let us know in the comment section. Help us decide – should we make it, throw it in the dustbin or better, use it as toilet paper. And its just 3 pages, so please read on.

See if this makes any sense because we have been told it didn’t made so, to many.

BUM-CHUM

INT. XXX – DAY

ECU of a man’s face. He is lying on a bed.

Initially little nervous, he tries to bend his head little backward, turns back to starting position. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.

With a loud noise, the screen goes black out.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A lean, thin man with receding hairline is busy playing a game on his mobile. Seems he just lost it. With a sigh, he looks up. Into the camera.

MAN (looks up – into camera)

……aur kya, bijli gul. Pehli baar ushey aise hi mila tha. Uska chehra bhi nahi dekha.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

WOMAN (into the camera)

Par maine dekhi thi…..picche se. Bilkul paas se (smiles). Bachpan ki bimaari hai…..(breaks into a hysterical laugh )

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A fat kid (girl – 9-10 years) on a dining table by herself and eating cornflakes.

WOMAN (VO)

Jo bhi khati, wahin atak jaati. Na pet me pachti, na bahar nikalti.

EXT. ROAD – MORNING

We see the fat kid from the back, going to school, with a heavy bag on her back and her big bum.  A water bottle hanging on her right side.

A young guy riding a cycle crosses her, tries to hit her bum with his waterbottle and shouts out.

GUY

Oye Bum–per…kuch pump—kar!

The handle of the bottle breaks, falls down. The girl smiles, sits on it suddenly, the bottle breaks with a loud sound.

The guy looks back at her. The girl seems very happy.

GIRL

…Pump kiya…teri bottle ko.

The guy shakes his head and leaves on his cycle.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Another kid, 9-10 years old boy, is trying to buckle up the school belt. Standing in front of the mirror, he is dressed up in school uniform. Only trying to fix up the belt. He moves his back towards the mirror and looks at his bum. There is almost nothing. It’s all flat. The pant hangs loosely and looks bad. He pulls the pant from both sides with his hand to make it look tighter to his bum.

MAN (VO)

Aur mere ko Chamcha bulate they. Kisi ki chaati nahi kabhi, bus gaand me dum nahi tha, matlab dum to tha bus gaand hi nahi thi. Chamach jaisa. Short me Chum!

The kid put his left hand on his bum and tries to figure out the curve of his bum…he moves the hand, still  in that small curve form, to the front and places it in a position that covers Pamela Anderson’s bum. He is comparing the size.

A pic of Pamela Anderson in swimsuit, still from Baywatch, is placed in one corner of the mirror.

INT. HOUSE  – DAY

MAN (into the camera)

Jab isse doorsi baar milne gaya. Tab bhi chehra nahi dekh paya. Waise hi…aao let jao, bhagwan ka naam lo aur intezaar karo….ki is baar Bijli corporation ki meherbani rahe….

INT. XXXX – DAY

ECU of a man’s face

He is lying on a bed. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

WOMAN (VO)

Aur mere pe tabhi jadoo sa hua.

The woman smells something in the air. Takes a deep breath in. Almost bliss. She takes a Man’s pant, which is hanging in one corner of the room, slyly puts her hand in one of the pockets, and finds something, smiles, tries to cover up her expression. Gets out of the room with a packet in hand.

CUT TO

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

All 9-10 year olds in the classroom. A man sitting on a chair, talking to the students.

TEACHER

Simple sa sawaal hai. Yeh batana ki tumko kaun sa khusboo sabse pasand hai aur kyun ?

We see the same fat girl (with big bum) sitting on the right hand side of the teacher. The teacher points his hand in the right direction.

TEACHER

Idhar se chaloo karo.

GIRL1

Gulaab. Kyunki bahut acchi khusboo hai.

She sits down.

GIRL2

Chameli ka….

She also sits down after saying the answer.

The fat girl, Bum, is next. She has a disgusted look at her face. Hesitatingly, she stands up.

FAT KID/GIRL

Rollies…

TEACHER (shouts out)

…Rollies….

FAT KID/GIRL

jo Papa roll karte hain na….usko roll karne ke pehle…..

INT. HOUSE – DAY

We see a middle-aged man rolling tobacco into tabacco paper. The fat kid/girl peeping through one corner and inhaling it.

CUT TO

INT. HOUSE – DAY

WOMAN

Phir kya ? Bum pe bum bum padi. Aur us din maine isko baad me phone kiya…sorry bolne ko….

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Close up of the man’s face – He is nodding his head to some music and enjoying it. Twitching his lips with a blissful/orgasmic feeling.

WOMAN(VO)

Ek baar call kiya…..do baar call kiya…..phir last baar…

The Woman is making call through her mobile.

We hear the sound of mobile vibration. The camera tilts down to show that the guy has kept his mobile just under his crotch, it’s in silent vibration mode and as it vibrates, giving a ticklish feeling and he is enjoying it. He pulls out the mobile from under the crotch and takes the call.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

MAN

Maza aata hai. Try karke dekho (winks). Ma kasam. Par us raat main phir so nahi paaya…..

We see the man mixing a bottle of some liquid with lemonade. Gulps it down. And then sitting on the shit pot.

MAN (VO)

Ab tak uska chehra nahi dekha tha. Par usne le li meri…teen baar…hattrick…woh bhi picche se….virgin tha main…….ma kasam…picche se….

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

We see that the man is lying on a bed. The Woman is taking a thin pipe and is putting it inside him, from behind. She is in doctor/nurse’s uniform.

CUT TO

CU of the tv screen – The camera shows his intestine on the screen. She is doing colonoscopy. She is staring blankly at the screen. Is very happy at the result on the screen.

WOMAN (VO)

Gulabi. Bilkul gulabi. Aisa pehle nahi dekha tha. It was love at first sight…

INT. HOUSE – DAY

We realise that the man and the woman are sitting next to each other.

MAN

….sight nahi…at first pipe…..woh gaana iska favourite hai…gulaabi aantein jo teri dekhi…deewana mera dil….He laughs out singing.

WOMAN

Tab jaake pehli bar usko dekha. Samne se . Picche tha bhi nahi kuch dekhne ko….

(she laughs out hysterically)

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The woman comes to the front, looks at him. They stare each other for few seconds. The man still on the bed.

MAN (VO)

Kehte hai na, opposites attract.

CUT TO

We see the back of the man with no bum and the woman with big bum, walking closely next to each other. The screen forms a heart shape and zooms into their bums.

The end.

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Synopsis – Its a story about two people, their weird nature, how they meet thrice and finally fall for each other. She is a doctor. And he needs to get his colonscopy done. She does it right, only at the third time. And they are narrating their experiences. The hospital setting, colonoscopy factor is not revealed from the start. So, its mostly in close ups and location is marked as XXX in the script.

Also, he could not sleep the night before because one is suppose to drink a liquid mixed with any lemonade that cleans your system completely. You almost remain on the shitpot every few minutes.

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