Posts Tagged ‘bollywood’

Among many other things, his twitter bio includes a distinct aspiration – future porn filmmaker. And as we wish him all the best for it, who better than writer-filmmaker Suparn Verma to look back into Bollywood’s past which might have triggered off this aspiration of his. So here’s Bollywood’s Rape-O-Meter according to him. Read on.

Rape is an ugly word of a horrible and cowardly act.

But in Bollywood especially in the 70’s and 80’s it was actually considered as necessary as an item number.

The movie pitch went something like this ‘Sirji, Introduction of hero on a dark night, he saves the heroine from being raped and beats up 10 goons,  3 romantic songs, 1 religious song, 1 sad song and 1 item number, 4 action scenes, and Sir beat this our film will have not 1! Not 2! But 3 rape scenes!’

Why did we need those scenes?

Two reasons in my opinion. Firstly in those days the skin code was unimaginable, so only the vamp or the victim could show skin, even the heroine had to be shown as a bitch in a swimsuit before she was reformed by the man into a salwar or sari clad socially acceptable ‘bhartiya nari’.

Secondly, all action films followed a simple formula almost as if it was a game called Screw-the-hero!

So the villains would start by raping the bhabi and killing her husband, and putting the hero behind bars for the crime. In his absence his sister would be raped as well and his parents killed. The wife would be saved for the second act whereupon his release he would get one more romantic song with her before she too was raped and killed and then the hero would be tortured till the vamp let him out and he would take on the entire crew of villains beating them up as he would make each punch count.

Yeh meri abla bhabhi ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘Yeh mere bhai ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘Yeh meri behen ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘yeh mere bhoode maa-baap ke liye’ DISHOOM ‘yeh meri biwi aur uske pet ke andar panap rahe bacche ke liye’ DISHOOM! And then came the final blow ‘aur yeh insaniyat ke dushman tujhe jeene ka koi haq nahin….yeh….mere liye’ DISHOOM

But as the filmmakers tried and found new ways to create those item rape scenes, they actually invented a new form of comedy.

Truly! You would exclaim, how can such a disgusting act be made funny!

I will show you how today.

But before that I have to share certain statistics a fellow Bollywood fan and amateur statistician had put up on the net. I call it the Bollywood Villains Rape-o-Meter.

Top lining the gang of Rapists is

Rapist No. 1 – Prem Chopra with 250 rapes in his career….to quote the man the legend ‘Mera naam hai Prem….Prem Chopra

Rapist No. 2 – Ranjeet with 150 rapes comes close. This man ruled the rape scene from 1970-1985

Rapist No. 3 – Danny Denzongpa has 110+ rape scenes to his credit. The reason why these guys also make it to the top is because in the 70’s and 80’s even the villains would be multi-starrers, so the above three or some combinations would indulge in group rapes so that they all could be killed in 10 minute intervals in the second half.

Rapist No. 4 – Shakti Kapoor with over 80 rapes to his credit

Rapist No. 5 – Amjad Khan with over 30+ rapes to his screen credit, in 1981 every film he acted in had a rape scene.

Rapist No. 6 – The original Bad Man of Hindi cinema – Gulshan Grover, with over 22+ rape scenes to his credit.

The others in this infamous list include The Lion – Ajit (12), Amrish Puri (9), Premnath (3), Rehman (7), Om Puri (6), the awesome Jeevan (6), Ruppesh Kumar never got a solo rape scene but only participated in a group (5), Kiran Kumar (4), K N Singh (3), Madan Puri (2) and finally Mac Mohan (1).

Presenting to you today are the funniest rape scenes from Bollywood. Let me prepare you for the climatic one. It is from Manoj Kumar’s cult movie Clerk!

To kick things off we have Ranjeet enacting the famous Bollywood group rape scene with quotable gems being spouted by them

On the subject of rapes, it is a very interesting fact to note that the ethereal Poonam Dhillon left the industry after her career got into this cycle of being raped in every second film. This scene is Bollywood creators favourite setting! A dark night, stock shots of lightning and rain and the rapists laughing like hyenas

Ever wanted to see how a date rape could kill you?…laughing I mean? Gullubhai will show you how it’s done in this howlarious sequence

While we are on the subject of Gulshan Grover, this one has him playing the flute to Divya Bharti, in a getup that screams I am gonna rape you, but still the lamb-like Bharti gets in the vanity van.

One of my all time favourites with Shakti Kapoor and Anita Raaj. Did you know that she ended her career by being raped by Shakti Kapoor in 6 films in a row! This one has her tried to a fake wall actually asking ‘What are you doing?’

I know I promised you the most funny rape scene ever! Well this one is from Manoj Kumar’s Clerk, where the 100 year old Bharat Kumar plays a college student! He also manages to do the impossible – make Rekha look like a skunk – I do mean a skunk not a skank!!! If you don’t believe me check out that hideous wig or head gear long with the make-up. But coming back to the matter at hand…it has Omshiv Puri raping….once again Anita Raaj. One piece of advise, when you hear these six words again…RUN….’Sweety, Sweety, Sweety..Baby, Baby, Baby’

Dhen tedan! The B-town insider, our Gossip Girl is back with her new quota of B-town goss. Have fun! But first, why she enjoys writing it. Aha. And a deadly last line. You go girl.

How many people truly “know” their icons? How many have the opportunity delve into their personal lives and actually witness the person behind a carefully constructed image?

It’s a true testimony to our times that we never really know the “product” and consider the “brand” to be a reality.

So lets not be fooled by the superfluous personas of these so called “stars”. They’re very much human, armed with real personalities and real “kinks”. They eat/sleep/defecate/reproduce just like all of us, so lets try not to buy into the illusion because their make believe world goes beyond the movies they star in.

What we read about our icons, political or film celebrities is filtered through elaborate mechanisms of PR and marketing genius but all we know is that we’re fascinated enough with these people to pour over every written word about them, ONLY because they nominated themselves for this position in society – we tear them apart, support them, laugh with them, cry for them. They live in our minds, hearts and bedrooms, but I find it unfair that its never the other way round.

Which is why I piece together this column – most of them eye witness accounts by the peoples that spend night and day working to maintain the polish that these stars claim as their own hard work. Even though the majority of the hard work is the boy who holds the stars umbrella in sweltering heat, catering to him/her freshly cooked nutritious food, the person plucking their eyebrows and waxing their legs at a moments notice, the people who spend their morning and nights and a chunk of their lives trying to organize things just so that some XYZ celebrity doesn’t get pissed off and walk off set and stall production for some of nonsensical demand that has nothing to do with cinema at all. So you get the idea, and not to further divert from the job at hand, here goes a couple of stories that have bounced on this girl’s big ears recently.

A shy star son, known to shield himself from the media because of immense insecurities about his receding hairline is rumored to have been spotted at the notorious red light district of Mumbai. It is said that he arrived in a luxury car and pulled up in one of the many different lanes in this locality in the middle of one night.

The lane that he pulled up in exclusively catered to peoples with tastes for the transgendered variety of sex workers. And aptly titled “Gandu bageecha”. One of the workers there who divulged this piece information stated that after picking up someone of his choice and inviting him/her into the car, he pointed a (gun?) to the prostitute’s head and then got his demands fulfilled. The details of the demands were also shared with me but I guess its best not to go there.

The actor remains aloof to the media only appearing for promotional purposes, for the one off odd films that he signs. With a dwindling career, a dwindling hairline and supposedly dwindling finances – he remains single. He is supposed to have a brother who is also rumored to swing both ways, however nothing has been confirmed or denied by the actors in question though a lot has been speculated about their sexuality over the years.

A strange turn out considering the father of these boys – a shining star of the yesteryear was rumoured to be a complete play boy- has been married twice, has a bunch of kids, and gave it all up to become a sadhu. He hastily exited grihastya ashram for Sanyas in his mid fiftees and joined a popular spiritual movement, which by any standards is just another corporation scamming white people and spiritual enthusiasts with money for donations.

I guess a sense of confusion seems to run in the family.

Another case that came to light about a star wandering in the shanties of Mumbai was about this southern sensation, an actor that hit Bollywood a few years ago in an extremely popular semi-patriotic multi-starrer. And even though he has appeared in only a couple of Bollywood projects since, he seems to carry his southern stardom and a chip on his shoulder wherever he goes. The actor is already popular for his temper tantrums, anyone who wants to get in touch with him is advised not to call him post 8pm – the time when he is busy polishing off bottles of booze, usually paid for by production.

Recently on the sets of another multi starrer the actor is supposed to be playing a pivotal role in, the actor demanded exclusivity on every thing, even though the rest of the star cast (with reasonably big names) was being treated democratically. The producers were fed up of his unreasonable demands and constant complaints but kept up face as the director was completely convinced about him for that particular role.

First he refused to attend rehearsal with the full cast because he didn’t want to face one of his ex-girlfriends, a blue blooded actress, who is known to have dumped him after a tumultuous tryst with his huge ego, flaring anger and a love for the bottle.

So he is said to have blackmailed the director into rescheduling the entire programme, much to the dislike of another southern actress – a part of the cast, who is supposed to have been dumped by him after some ungentlemanly behavior on the actors part.

The southy actress wanted to behave professionally and got on with the show without complaint but the actor misunderstood this gesture as an act of submission and is said to have constantly taken digs at the southy actress.

So after making production run around for his special demands on an already difficult film set, the actor is supposed to have refused to show up for his dubbing sessions once the film hit post production. Apparently unhappy about the fact that he was not booked into a hotel of his liking ( a 5 star) even though he was flown into Bombay only for a couple of hours of work. So after springing demand after expensive demand, making the production run helter skelter, changing his air tickets and extending his stay, even though his work was finished, the drunk actor demanded a car for himself in the middle of the night. And though production was not obliged to do anything anymore, they did it for the sake of peace and good relations. He, then, is supposed to have instructed his half asleep driver to go to a small and filthy slum with zig-zag lanes, and disappeared there for a few hours whilst his driver waited. It is not clear what the actor was doing in a down trodden area in the middle of the night but according to reports he came back as intoxicated as he had left and caught his flight the next morning by a cats whisker. The production house has sworn to not to ever cast him again.

It is a pity that this actor is gaining such a reputation, as he has a genuine spark of talent that could be explored only if he allowed himself to behave. But then again, any measure of popularity comes with its own baggage, and often people in the spotlight have to go beyond themselves to feel normal and anonymous – just like this writer.

Box office is a difficult and quite a different kind of beast. And strangely, we have started hearing a lot about it in the last 2-3 years. Boasting numbers wasn’t the trend earlier. Now everyone is keen to flash their numbers – opening day, weekend, week, highest, highest per screen or any other category that you can think of. Full page ads with box office numbers in biggest fonts possible isn’t unusual. But what’s the trick? When so many new records are set with almost every big release, have we cracked the box office formula? Is it just Bhai-porn? What’s the big deal about the first promo? Do critics really matter when it comes to box office numbers?

And to find the answers to those queries, we met Shailesh Kapoor. We have been following him on twitter for quite sometime. In a country where everyone is an expert on cinema (and cricket), he talks what the research says. Not just random blabbering like those so called trade analysts. So click on the play button and do check it out. There is bit of echo in the sound. But hopefully you guys will manage. And there are some pointers below the audio clip if you want to skip to specific topic.

(And the voice that keeps on distracting the conversation belongs to Navjot Gulati)

00:50 – IIT. IIM. Bollywood

1:50 – Is there a method to the madness?

4:15 – Mere paas Naaz hai, Chandan hai, Gaiety hai, Galaxy hai. Tumhare paas kya hai?

5:50 – Ormax’s work – What/when/where/why research?

07:05 – concept testing / 09:50 – Title testing

10:50 – Short Term Shaadi VS Ek Main Aur Ek Tu

12:30 – Music testing – instant hit or can it grow?

14:40 – Promo testing.

15:47 – mera driver. tumhara cook. who else?

20:10 – Campaign = Cinematix = Opening weekend

23:03 – 19.5 cr for Ek Main Aur Ek Tu

23:40 – Tees Maar Khan

25:45 – There is nothing called “First promo/look” for the audience. Whatever they see first, that’s the one.

27:30 – Stars + Music + Genre = Weekend business. Bhai-porn.

28:20 – Weekend audience. Family = Out. College kids = In.

29:20 – Then WHY NO Y FILMS DELIVER BIG HITS?

30:20 – Faltu. And chaar baj gaye.

33:14 – Where do the small films fit in then?

35:30 – My conviction VS your research – living in denial?

39:25 – Too much importance to critics? If you have to,  buy the friends, peer groups, social media guys. They are more credible now.

41:40 – Our Critics. Their Films.

47:53 – 3 Idiots. Not in Weekend Top 5. Not in Week Top 5. But still tops the Lifetime collection and by a HUGE margin. And it’s NOT a comedy.

50:50 – Get the “irregulars”! 60% of regular film goers still don’t know what Talaash is.

51:40 – Youtube views? BollywoodHungama views? Take it lightly, guys!

53:15 – What’s the meaning of Dabangg?

54:19 – AB : Hit on small screen, flop on big screen?

And as always, all kinds of feedback are more than welcome.

(To follow Ormax Media on twitter, click here)

We don’t like Olive branches. Fest films don’t make money in India. We are still not sure about how to say it – is it Cann, Kans or Cannes? French people are rude. There are enough excuses for not making it to the official Cannes list. Or as Balki put it here, “There are no Cannes films in India! Ask why? The day one of those films will be enjoyed by us, our films will be enjoyed by them.” I wish Balki had seen the ruckus during the screening of Biutiful at MAMI last year. And  the organisers were forced to have  two more shows of the film. “Our” number might be less but that’s no reason to be so dumb and dismissive about it. Not that we ever had any doubts about Balki’s take on cinema (Kill a kid, let the lovers unite – Cheeni Kum/Paa), but this reason puts him in a different league all together.

What’s on the Cannes menu this year?

Well, Aishwarya Rai, Sonam Kapoor and Freida Pinto will walk the red carpet, not for any film but for L’Oreal Paris. This is the perfect combo – an almost has been actor who never earned any points for her acting skills, a daddy’s girl who was last seen in Anees Bazmee’s atrocious Thank You, and the third one whose middle name should be ladyluck. Apart from the brand that they are endorsing, there is only one common factor that all three share – lack of any acting talent. Imagine someone talking to Sonam Kapoor at the fest – So, what was your last release? That’s True Grit.

Blame it on the Fest too? They are all about stars, about sponsors, about big money, but they are also about cinema. About finding that independent and unique voice and putting it on the world cinema map. Even with all the goss and the glamour, you can’t deny that credit.

What else?

Mallika Sherawat has also been thereatening to make her presence felt like she did last year and the year before that. Peek a boo-b with some Hisss and you will always get some pics clicked. BTW, have you noticed her twitter handle – it’s MallikaLA. Conspiracy theorists believe that she is trying hard to belong “there” and detach from here. She even got a pic clicked with Barack Obama (Ssshhh..she has new film coming up called Politics Of Love. But it might go direct to dvd. Oops) Or is that just good ol’ photoshop? So MallikaLA, how about changing the handle to MallikaCannes?

Films in competition?

Someone please help me here. When was the last time a desi film made it to the competition section of Cannes? Ok, let’s make the base wider. Competition section of any of the top six (Cannes, Berlin, Venice, Sundance, Toronto, Locarno) film fests?

Vikramaditya Motwane’s Udaan was in Cannes Un Certain regard section last year. Bit of googling and you will know that all those countries which are so small that they are difficult to locate on a world map and with names which are difficult to pronounce, even they are  making that Cannes cut.  Why and how? Blame it all on our bollywood musical and melodrama? Or go back to Balki’s bolly-gyaan.

Bollywood – The Greatest Love Story Ever Told?

And this isn’t helping much. If we can’t qualify, let’s make a film for them. According to official release….

Bollywood – The Greatest Love Story Ever Told, is the title of a feature film produced by Shekhar Kapoor exclusively for the Festival de Cannes. It will be screened out of competition during the 64th Festival that runs from the 11th to the 22nd of May.

 It all began with a conversation with ShekharKapoor, a member of the Cannes Jury in 2010. Why not make a film that brings together the most beautiful moments in the history of Indian musical films, with all their moving pageantry and dance? A few months later, there was Bollywood, The Greatest Love Story Ever Told. It is a swirling and poignant montage in which Shekhar Kapoor, Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra
 and
 Jeff Zimbalist pay tribute to this cinema genre that has contributed to establishing India’s identity in the eyes of the world and to making Mumbaione of the world capitals of film history.

 “We love it. We hate it. We see it as regressive. We see it as modern. We need to breathe it to feel alive. Some say it is the only culture that holds India together. Some say it gives identity and individuality to 25 million Indians that have left her shores and who’s third generations that are still addicted to it. That’s Bollywood!”

Direction Rakeysh Omprakash Mehra
 et 
Jeff Zimbalist. Production : Shekhar Kapoor &
UTV Motion Pictures with Ronnie Screwvala and Trishya Screwvala. India, 2011, 81mn)

That’s Bollywood! Well, that’s the baggage too. At a time when filmmakers are trying to find their voice, trying new ideas, this montage/documentary/film will reinforce every cliche attached to the cinema of Bollylalaland.

Shekhar Kapoor has written a post about it on his blog – How it started, why and where. And i still can’t sense anything substantial in it except for some razzmatazz on the beats of dola re dola. The intention must be honest, but how about championing a film next time at the Cannes?

( PS – Dear Shekhar, have you seen Aaranya Kaandam?)

No, we dont shy away from naming names. But the man whom we trust told us to look at the scene with little acid and more sanity! We argued for the sake of cheap thrills and tried to find a middle path. Plus we HATED the director’s last film, which the world seems to love! So, here we  are, back with our old game – Aao Guess Karein!

His (Z) last film was a big hit. And then, the man never remained same again. In one of the scriptwriting workshops he proudly declared that his film is the best structured hindi film in the last ten years! Our jaws dropped and since then we have not been able to pick it up.

Whats more, in his over-confidence he even gave an interview and pulled down one of the best films of last year, written by one of the best screenwriters we have in the current lot. Our jaws were buried!

Then came the announcement for his next film. He was offered never heard before amount for only scripting it. Plus there was direction fees too. And then the non-stop brag sessions started. For his next film, he would keep on bragging about the “number of drafts” he is writing. First, we heard about 17th draft, last we heard 25th and then there were few more. And its complete home production.

Its no surprise that he got a BIG budget for his new film. Even the amount spent on recce had our eyes wide open. The film was shot outside India and got completed last year. But still no release date has been announced. Wondering why ?

Well, here is the dope. It seems that his tyres have been busted this time. Problem – Main actor is dude but the actress is no match for him. The lead actor is more of dude and less of actor anyway! And the lead actress is IRREPLACEABLE! Because his tyres run her car too. And her mom’s car too.

So, after spending quite a bomb on the film, the producers got a big shock when they saw the film.  It wasn’t what they were expecting! The director has been told to re-shoot major romantic portions of the film to get that “jai ho” factor between the lead pair, much like his earlier film, as this one also is romcom! The director and everyone else have spread the news out that they are back to (pakhi pakhi) pardesh to shoot just a song. But thats not true! He is trying hard to get the punctured tyres re-paired now.

Bhagwan bhala kare – tu hame jaane ya na jaane, hum tere chahnewale they kabhi…before you made that silly stupid film! The desi high school musical….aha, that cribfest deserves a new post. Now guess Mr Z and the film! Its damn easy and is all here.

Our mailbox gets flooded with all kind of mails. Raves, rants, goss from unexpected quarters and threats by star-fuckers. This one also came as a surprise. Screeny – a new member in the Fight Club.  His master The Creative Terrorist says it’s time  to have some new recruits, ideas and plans. So, here it is…read on. All first hand experience involving the names and faces that you know for sure.

One rainy night at run down Mukesh Mills, we had a new visitor called Screeny. He was visiting us for the first time. He wanted to join sort of club where Tyler Durden, John Nash, Karthik etc hung out, and I said you were at the right place. He was beaten, bruised and thin in appearance, but spoke aggressively of his reasons to be there.

Screeny was a frustrated screenwriter who wanted to vent his frustration at the fight club. He had made multiple rounds of Film Directors’ offices and realised in the process that sometimes their great films might have been accidents. As he spoke, I dragged and pushed him inside the arena, everybody was waiting to just pounce on him.

Screeny’s issues started with the creative process. The names of directors were something he wanted to keep confidential. Most directors did not know the importance of a one-liner and genre. Screeny’s approach was to develop a one liner; most directors looked for finished scripts, which Screeny refused to give since finished scripts reflect the writer’s vision and not the director’s. Screeny started with asking the directors what sort of film he saw. While most of them were clear of the genre, few of them knew why that particular genre worked.

When a commercial maverick director, finally decided he wanted to revisit one of his own genres, Screeny was hired, after months of messages. He showed great involvement in the plot level for the first two weeks much to Screeny’s delight. He made Screeny rewrite three versions of the same plot, till he was satisfied. Screeny was thrilled with the way the director was working, moulding the plot the way he wanted, while Screeny offered arguments and counter arguments, the eventual choices lead to somewhat a good plot. The Director did have some wild sense of imagination – the process was mutual – sometimes Screeny pushed the director in a thought, while other times, the director offered his argument.

Finally when the director made his choice, it was evident there would be issues in the screenplay which needs to be addressed separately. Screeny vociferously established that the screenplay needs to be worked in a similar style. The director laughed when Screeny said this because for him the screenplay did not matter.

Then the bang – “start the one line order”. A one line order for Screeny was only the index of scenes with no dialogues, just an outline of events; but the director was ready to shoot with it. In a conversation, he mentioned he never worked with a bound script, which scared Screeny. He had to argue strong in asking time for developing the entire screenplay, maybe a month. Reluctantly the director agreed, Screeny went to work, every time a doubt cropped up. “You figure it out, you are the writer”.  Screeny had to break his head, without any direction from the Director.

Eventually a month later a half baked screenplay evolved with issues which had to be fixed in the subsequent drafts. Meanwhile the director had lost interest in the plot and moved on to working on other plots with other writers. Screeny was asked to continue, but his screenplay was never picked up for reading after rewriting three drafts.

A year passed and the director started coming out with other films. Screeny started spotting the trends of half baked attempts at writing in the subsequent releases that followed. The screenplay never mattered for him, only his ideas needed to be fleshed right for him.  Screeny started worrying – if the director had made great films at some point of his time, were all of them accidents? When the director was questioned, he maintained his stand that all of his films were instinctive and took pride in the fact that his writers wrote on sets, including films which considered cult. Today those writers are famous.

Screeny’s school of thought was scripts were locked and then shot, while the director in question never bothered about the script. He plainly maintained everything as being his instinctive vision. Screeny fell into self-doubt – what was the point of banging out a screenplay when he does not plan to read it?  Eventually he will be told write the scenes on the sets. So why the talk about scripts in the first place, was Screeny even needed to write those three plots, or were the plots clear in the directors head, including the great films he had done ? If they are not accidents why is there no consistency in his films? What remains Screeny’s role with such directors?

Screeny went home that night confused, when a friend visited him that night with an invitation to the Fightclub.

Screeny wanted to talk more about other directors for whom visual play was important. The creative process was different there. I stopped him, because now inside Fightclub we had to deal with Screeny’s first issue. So throwing Screeny inside the Fightclub, make sure he returns two weeks later..

– The Creative Terrorist.

Aha, we are back! This time its about two actors! The Next Big Things in bollywood! He is was the Dude! But then the Duds happened. Double duds! Had a dream debut and it was all going fine before Mr Cool thought he knew what film script was all about. Lets call him A.

A and actor B are great friends. Thats the general perception atleast, almost everywhere. They are in the same age group and gel well. Unlike A, B had a disastrous debut. But his work was appreciated and since then, he has been doing better. Working with some of the best filmmakers too.

Recently a filmmaker offered his film to both A and B without telling the other about it. What the filmmaker didnt know was that both the actors are not only good freinds but they share a lot. Talk about their films, scripts and more. So, they got to know soon that the filmmaker was trying his luck with both the actors at the same time and so both of them rejected the script!  Everyone thought, wah kya dostana which is not common between two actors!

But here is the real deal. Scratch a bit and you will know that A is not what he pretends to be. He just needs an excuse to bitch about B. And he goes on and on and on. Almost about everything. About B’s choice of films, his acting, the people he is working with and more. May be its because A has not been able to move beyond his debut. And B is doing great. The saddest part is B doesnt know about it. And even behind his back B doesnt say anything bad about A. Strange are the ways of bollywood! BTW, both belong to filmy families.