Archive for June, 2010

Time to leave your brains at home, again! At the rate at which Priyadarshan makes movies, we are thinking of opening a brain deposit counter. Might be a good business idea. What say ?

Anyway, the two maha-duds have come together again. And its called Khatta Meetha, directed by Priyadarshan and stars Akshay Kumar. Is it a remake again ? Don’t care much but if someone knows, do enlighten us. Here is the first teaser trailer of the film.

PJ – As a reviewer wrote, ” Perhaps Prakash Jha is just punning on his initials, and laughing at us all”. We thought its priceless and deserves to be QOTD! But who knew that PJ would really get down to play dirty and stupid politics. First story is our conspiracy theory and second, our sources say, is cent percent true. And if second story is true, then we are sure about the first one too.

Here is the conspiracy theory. Padmaja Thakore posted a review of Fart-neeti on PFC, and in not so kind words. Two days later, the post vanished. No reason was given, where and how. And if you have been following Padmaja Thakore’s posts, then its not difficult to figure out how strongly she defends her reviews. Suddenly withdrawl symptoms! Why ?

We were curious and tried to put two plus two together. We found out that she is married to filmmaker Manish Tiwari who made his debut with Dil Dosti Etc. The film was produced by Prakash Jha. According to our theory, PJ must have got to know about the review and didn’t take it lightly. Ghar ka bhedi Bivishan, ok, Bivishan’s wife ( Yes, if they can take Mahabharata route, we are going Ramayan way). And thats why, without any reason Padamaja Thakore removed her Raajneeti post from PFC. If you are still interested in reading it, click here to read the post. Courtesy – Google cache!

Now, the fact. We have got to know that PJ has been calling the big bosses of one of the popular websites and has threatened to sue them and their reviewer. Reason ? Their Fart-neeti review and the reviewer’s hilarious pricesless quotes on him and his Fart-neeti film. It seems PJ, unlike his intials, doesnt have a funny bone. And our sources say that this news is cent percent true. If this is true, we are sure that our conspiracy theory is correct too.

Whats more, this is not the first time that PJ is doing it. When his film Apaharan released, something similar had happened. The film had a tie-up with one of the major hindi news channels. But when the channel gave a bad review to the film, PJ called up the person concerned and got into an altercation, on how they can give bad review to the film when they are channel partner! Since then, the two have not been on talking terms!

Someone need to tell Mr PJ that any kind of partnership doesnt mean that you own the editorial right over any kind of content! Unless, its Khat-Ni LajMi ! And yes Mr PJ, now we know why you lost the elections, not once but twice. Think big, play politics at bigger level, not dirty & petty ones!

PS – And after all this, we read a profile of PJ in the latest issue of Tehelka that portrays him as a man born with instinctive love for risk! Yawwwwnnn…..we have happily moved to Open!

PPS – Dont get us wrong, we also used to love his films. But then, his “films” used to deal with politics and not “him”! Now its all just a PJ!

Bollywood – its still a strange place. We still dont have any concept of “script readers” and giving feedback to a filmmaker means “you are supposed to say only good things” about his film. And everyone has become so protective about the first look of their film, that passing on the script for feedback is an impossible dream.

We decided to check if the other way can work out. One of us wrote a script for a short film (3-4 mins) and we are putting the script here. Good, bad, fugly, whatever – do let us know in the comment section. Help us decide – should we make it, throw it in the dustbin or better, use it as toilet paper. And its just 3 pages, so please read on.

See if this makes any sense because we have been told it didn’t made so, to many.

BUM-CHUM

INT. XXX – DAY

ECU of a man’s face. He is lying on a bed.

Initially little nervous, he tries to bend his head little backward, turns back to starting position. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.

With a loud noise, the screen goes black out.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A lean, thin man with receding hairline is busy playing a game on his mobile. Seems he just lost it. With a sigh, he looks up. Into the camera.

MAN (looks up – into camera)

……aur kya, bijli gul. Pehli baar ushey aise hi mila tha. Uska chehra bhi nahi dekha.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

WOMAN (into the camera)

Par maine dekhi thi…..picche se. Bilkul paas se (smiles). Bachpan ki bimaari hai…..(breaks into a hysterical laugh )

INT. HOUSE – DAY

A fat kid (girl – 9-10 years) on a dining table by herself and eating cornflakes.

WOMAN (VO)

Jo bhi khati, wahin atak jaati. Na pet me pachti, na bahar nikalti.

EXT. ROAD – MORNING

We see the fat kid from the back, going to school, with a heavy bag on her back and her big bum.  A water bottle hanging on her right side.

A young guy riding a cycle crosses her, tries to hit her bum with his waterbottle and shouts out.

GUY

Oye Bum–per…kuch pump—kar!

The handle of the bottle breaks, falls down. The girl smiles, sits on it suddenly, the bottle breaks with a loud sound.

The guy looks back at her. The girl seems very happy.

GIRL

Pump kiya…teri bottle ko.

The guy shakes his head and leaves on his cycle.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Another kid, 9-10 years old boy, is trying to buckle up the school belt. Standing in front of the mirror, he is dressed up in school uniform. Only trying to fix up the belt. He moves his back towards the mirror and looks at his bum. There is almost nothing. It’s all flat. The pant hangs loosely and looks bad. He pulls the pant from both sides with his hand to make it look tighter to his bum.

MAN (VO)

Aur mere ko Chamcha bulate they. Kisi ki chaati nahi kabhi, bus gaand me dum nahi tha, matlab dum to tha bus gaand hi nahi thi. Chamach jaisa. Short me Chum!

The kid put his left hand on his bum and tries to figure out the curve of his bum…he moves the hand, still  in that small curve form, to the front and places it in a position that covers Pamela Anderson’s bum. He is comparing the size.

A pic of Pamela Anderson in swimsuit, still from Baywatch, is placed in one corner of the mirror.

INT. HOUSE  – DAY

MAN (into the camera)

Jab isse doorsi baar milne gaya. Tab bhi chehra nahi dekh paya. Waise hi…aao let jao, bhagwan ka naam lo aur intezaar karo….ki is baar Bijli corporation ki meherbani rahe….

INT. XXXX – DAY

ECU of a man’s face

He is lying on a bed. Closes his eyes, mumbles few prayers. Suddenly he smiles, opens his eyes as if something unexpected happening to him, then again closes his eyes and giving an orgasmic expression. He seems to enjoy it. The expression keeps on changing from one extreme to other.

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

WOMAN (VO)

Aur mere pe tabhi jadoo sa hua.

The woman smells something in the air. Takes a deep breath in. Almost bliss. She takes a Man’s pant, which is hanging in one corner of the room, slyly puts her hand in one of the pockets, and finds something, smiles, tries to cover up her expression. Gets out of the room with a packet in hand.

CUT TO

INT. CLASSROOM – DAY

All 9-10 year olds in the classroom. A man sitting on a chair, talking to the students.

TEACHER

Simple sa sawaal hai. Yeh batana ki tumko kaun sa khusboo sabse pasand hai aur kyun ?

We see the same fat girl (with big bum) sitting on the right hand side of the teacher. The teacher points his hand in the right direction.

TEACHER

Idhar se chaloo karo.

GIRL1

Gulaab. Kyunki bahut acchi khusboo hai.

She sits down.

GIRL2

Chameli ka….

She also sits down after saying the answer.

The fat girl, Bum, is next. She has a disgusted look at her face. Hesitatingly, she stands up.

FAT KID/GIRL

Rollies…

TEACHER (shouts out)

…Rollies….

FAT KID/GIRL

jo Papa roll karte hain na….usko roll karne ke pehle…..

INT. HOUSE – DAY

We see a middle-aged man rolling tobacco into tabacco paper. The fat kid/girl peeping through one corner and inhaling it.

CUT TO

INT. HOUSE – DAY

WOMAN

Phir kya ? Bum pe bum bum padi. Aur us din maine isko baad me phone kiya…sorry bolne ko….

INT. HOUSE – DAY

Close up of the man’s face – He is nodding his head to some music and enjoying it. Twitching his lips with a blissful/orgasmic feeling.

WOMAN(VO)

Ek baar call kiya…..do baar call kiya…..phir last baar…

The Woman is making call through her mobile.

We hear the sound of mobile vibration. The camera tilts down to show that the guy has kept his mobile just under his crotch, it’s in silent vibration mode and as it vibrates, giving a ticklish feeling and he is enjoying it. He pulls out the mobile from under the crotch and takes the call.

INT. HOUSE – DAY

MAN

Maza aata hai. Try karke dekho (winks). Ma kasam. Par us raat main phir so nahi paaya…..

We see the man mixing a bottle of some liquid with lemonade. Gulps it down. And then sitting on the shit pot.

MAN (VO)

Ab tak uska chehra nahi dekha tha. Par usne le li meri…teen baar…hattrick…woh bhi picche se….virgin tha main…….ma kasam…picche se….

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

We see that the man is lying on a bed. The Woman is taking a thin pipe and is putting it inside him, from behind. She is in doctor/nurse’s uniform.

CUT TO

CU of the tv screen – The camera shows his intestine on the screen. She is doing colonoscopy. She is staring blankly at the screen. Is very happy at the result on the screen.

WOMAN (VO)

Gulabi. Bilkul gulabi. Aisa pehle nahi dekha tha. It was love at first sight…

INT. HOUSE – DAY

We realise that the man and the woman are sitting next to each other.

MAN

….sight nahi…at first pipe…..woh gaana iska favourite hai…gulaabi aantein jo teri dekhi…deewana mera dil….He laughs out singing.

WOMAN

Tab jaake pehli bar usko dekha. Samne se . Picche tha bhi nahi kuch dekhne ko….

(she laughs out hysterically)

INT. HOSPITAL – DAY

The woman comes to the front, looks at him. They stare each other for few seconds. The man still on the bed.

MAN (VO)

Kehte hai na, opposites attract.

CUT TO

We see the back of the man with no bum and the woman with big bum, walking closely next to each other. The screen forms a heart shape and zooms into their bums.

The end.

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Synopsis – Its a story about two people, their weird nature, how they meet thrice and finally fall for each other. She is a doctor. And he needs to get his colonscopy done. She does it right, only at the third time. And they are narrating their experiences. The hospital setting, colonoscopy factor is not revealed from the start. So, its mostly in close ups and location is marked as XXX in the script.

Also, he could not sleep the night before because one is suppose to drink a liquid mixed with any lemonade that cleans your system completely. You almost remain on the shitpot every few minutes.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

This marks a grand WTF in film promotion! Dear whoever you are, social media doesnt mean squeeze media!

The makers of the film were doing a countdown on Twitter to reveal the first look of Aisha, as if its gonna be Casablanca and not Aisha. Yes, trust us….from one week to 3 days to 2 days to 24 hours to 12 hrs to  2 hours and blah blah blah! And if you dont trust us, click here to check the stupidest timeline ever created in the history of bollylalaland! And what do they reveal after all this hype, a random still of Sonam Kapoor.

Whats more, they have even created a term called “Aishaholics”, even before the film’s first look, poster or promo! Make us alcoholic anyday…hic! And if you are done with your Dumb Quotient of The Day (DQTD – yes, thats gonna be a new category now), here is something more. The official synopsis of the film is out too. Read on.

Aisha is a girl with a simple diktat – everyone’s business is her business. Arjun is a boy with even a simpler set of beliefs – Aisha should mind her own business. Caught in the Delhi upper class world with its own set of social rules, Aisha navigates her world with a great sense of style and even greater optimism. Caught in her web are her best friend Pinky, the small town girl Shefali, the west Delhi boy Randhir and the hunk Dhruv. Aisha will make sure everyone dances to her tune. And all Arjun wants to do is disentangle that web and get Aisha out of an impending sticky mess. Who will succeed and who will succumb? Welcome to Aisha’s fabulous world where playing cupid is as easy as 123…if only that Arjun would stay out of her way!

The film is directed by Rajshree Ojha, written by Devika Bhagat and stars Sonam Kapoor, Abhay Deol, Ira Dubey, Amrita Puri, Cyrus Sahukar (Hmmmm…..shhhh!!???), Lisa Haydon and Arunoday Singh. Its produced by daddy dearest Anil Kapoor & PVR.

The official synopsis of Nikhil Advani’s Patiala House is out. Read on.

The protagonist of the film (Akshay Kumar) runs a corner shop (Phir corner shop ? Memories of CC2C?) in Southall but his desire is to break into sports/cricket. His father is a strict traditionalist and his mission is to ensure his family do not lose their Indian culture and identity. Akshay, however wants to play cricket – not for India but for England – and he gets the chance to do this. Also, according to the makers of the film, cricket is just the catalyst, the real deal is father-son drama.

The film is also about British Asian identity and the cross-generational conflict between a father and son. The primary message of the film is about family ties and duty, a yearning to follow one’s dreams, and trying to make sense of the dichotomies that life presents when one’s family has migrated to another land. Other strong subject matters in the film include:

· The experiences of British Asians in the UK across all generations

· Life for Asians when they migrated to the UK back in the 50s and 60s

· Conflicting identities for 3rd and 4th generations Asians/Ethic minorities in the UK

· Following your dreams vs parental obligation

Huh! This really sounds like something “official”. Looks like Nikhil Advani is going Vipul “Waqt” Shah way with Akshay Kumar. Comedy kaam nahi aaya toh emotional try karte hain! Punjabi Tadka, naach gaana plus we have CRICKET! Balle balle hai ji! Hit hai sir, film hit hai – the way they say it!

The film stars Akshay Kumar, Anushka Sharma, Dimple Kapadia, Rishi Kapoor and Hard Kaur and will also feature cricket players like  Andrew Symonds, Keiron Pollard, Durk Nanis, Simon Katich, Graham Gooch, Shaun Tait and Sanjay Manjrekar.

Naah, we are not interested. Na southhall ka haal jaanne me, na Advani ke maal me!

The first trailer of Vikramaditya Motwane’s Udaan is out. And its pitch perfect. The trailer exactly tells what the movie is all about.

And now the problem! Why is the text in the trailer straight lift from one of our favourite trailers of last year – Where The Wild Things Are! If you dont believe us, just play the video. Inside all of us is HOPE. Inside all of us is Fear. Even the way it comes on screen, is the same. After Cannes, we had to see this ? Can any soul enlighten us ? Who cut this trailer ? Someone surely is Un-certain of few things! Beware!

For our review of Udaan, poster, pics, synopsis and all the jazz from Cannes, click on this post and follow the links given in the post.

Here was our bet! And yes, she doesn’t disappoint! And like always, we are again damn right! Ok, tired of saying it. BTW, we are being warned from different sides – Karara jawab denge! We replied – Hum dekhengepar jo kahenge sach kahenge….

And if you are still interested in reading the review, click here.