Archive for the ‘Thoughts’ Category

Is this the bestest friday we have seen in ages ? Seems so. The Baap of every mind-bending game is here! Christopher Nolan, with his Inception. Plus, there is Udaan by Vikramaditya Motwane, Tere Bin Laden and Rahul Dholakia’s Lamhaa. Ok, rest can wait. Back to Inception.

The year was 1997. He was “Chris Nolan” on the credits then. But as they, the signs were all there. Watch it, if you havent seen it yet – the short film by the master before the world discovered him through Following.

We are Nolan-bhakts since we saw Following and he still delivers and how! As we saw his latest release Inception, I flooded the Twitter timeline with orgasmic, or should we call it Nolan-asmic tweets! If you are not on Twitter, here is all our gloating, as friends called it, all in 140 characters……..

I.N.C.E.P.T.I.O.N. See you guys after the dream (Jackass grin) !

Interval – HOLY FUCKETY FUCK! NOBODY, nobody is gonna fuck you like this. Everything is explained slowly but you CANT even blink!

Inception – go with as much expectations as u want! Its a BET! Nolan plants an idea, gives u orgasm, ditches u and gives u hard-on again!

Inception – anyone try writing the spoiler alerts…its gonna be one fat book u cant even imagine. Am not sure what can Nolan do after this.

Inception – did i mention its a love story! Ur mind is d scene of the crime. But ur heart gonna pull the trigger!

Inception – at every scene u r given explanation. Sm call it dialogue exposition. But still, it defies all gravity!

Inception – am willing to sponsor Aamir khan’s ticket. He didn’t understand Memento. I want to see the expression on his face after this one.

Inception -not sure if any1 ever balanced matters of head N heart so perfectly well 2 get u into d trap. Oops, did he beat my God C.Kaufman. J.Grin

As i said, I Luv Hate Storys. Cue – J. Grin! RT @Rychyk: @moifightclub I HATE YOU…make that WE. 😦

Envelope? He pushed d whole post office! RT @vicramb @moifightclub Knwing him,Smthing evn crazier! Tht guy really knws how 2 push d envelope

Inception – as d movie is about 2 end n u think Nolan has done everything possible 2 u, he delivers a BIG punch in d last scene. V r still debating it.

now m still in d Nolanland. Bet u cant locate me! J. Grin! RT @Envyas @moifightclub OK,stop this gloating or I know where u stay. :p

Block me 😉 not sure when i will b able 2 do that again RT @ArtRevel @moifightclub I want to Block you till I watch it 🙂 Making me jealous

# Ok, one last one…after all d Inception tweets how many Nolanbhakts cant sleep 2nite…wanna count 😉 and i will be in a dream! Aha, life!

So, have you booked you tickets ? Don’t forget to book you brains too. Ok, get that over-booked! J. Grin (we just can’t get enough of it). Also, releasing this friday is Udaan. And click here to read our review of Udaan.

PS – Don’t forget to let us know what you felt about it. And what do you think about the last scene/sequence of the film ?

We are sure that by now everyone knows the hottest word after “Paul” is “Jackass”. And if you are one of those who are still in wonderland, click here and here to read what,why,when and how it happened!

And it seems that Jackass Kumar and Big Buddhu B soon realised their mistake. It was backlash from every side. And in order to cover up the mess, they score a WTF hattrick. Today Bombay Blunder Times carried a story on their last page stating that it was their idea. WOW! To quote from the article….

But the point is this: Akshay Kumar didn’t visit Laxman in hospital to promote his film. It was our idea. He is, after all, playing the great cartoonist’s Common Man in his next release Khatta Meetha. At 86, ailing for close to a month, deprived of speech, struggling to get back movement, Laxman welcomes visitors. The alert and curious eyes light up, the handshake is firm and he refuses to let visitors go. They make him feel better. His wife Kamala and daughter-in-law Usha report a difference in his progress when people are around. “Akshay’s visit really made him happy, he perked up,” says Usha.

Everybody is welcome to visit Laxman, he’s on the 7th floor, room 712 of the hospital. Akshay Kumar took the time to do so. Who’s next?

Click here to go the epaper version of TOI. Select Bombay Times and then go to the last page of  14th July 2010 issue. Of course, they had no choice but to take the blame because the whole world knows the keyword called “medianet”. And it means if we want to inaugurate our new potty with Jackass Kumar grining next to it, it can come on the first page of Blunder Times. One just has to sign a fat cheque.

And whats worse, they have put out a new pic. The grin has vanished! Jackass Kumar is now all sober. Take a look.

This is the worst possible idea after making that mistake. Its confirms that they also realised the crime they committed! And today  Madhavan Narayanan, journalist/columnist with Hindustan Times, tweeted…

A source close to Laxman family has mailed me saying they were “not happy” with Akki’s behavior.

He even put out a post on the whole issue and also clarified that he knows the family. To quote his previous tweet…

I used to work 10 feet away from Mr. Laxman in TOI and we used to watch him in awe. His son was a colleague as well.

Click here to read his kickass post on the Jackass controversy. So, whats next ? What will the combo of Jackass Kumar and Blunder Times deliver. We are waiting and how!

It all started with this picture.

We wrote about it here. It was a shameless piece of shit publicity idea to involve an ailing old man who has nothing to do with the film. Rajeev Masand tweeted about it saying…

Need innovative ideas 2 promote films in competitive times. But Akshay Kumar grinning like a jackass at RKLaxman’s hospital bed is a new low.

Guess who found the tweet offensive. Amitabh Bachchan. Why ? Because of the use of the word “jackass”. We think thats an understatement. Look at the grin on Akshay Kumar’s face. What do you call that ? Plus, Rajeev said “like a jackass”. And even before Rajeev tweeted his thoughts on the pic, blogosphere and social media was already buzzing with sharp criticism of the pic and the publicity idea.

So, the key word is “Jackass”. We checked Dictionary.com and according to it…..

jack·ass has two meanings – noun

1. a male donkey.

2. a contemptibly foolish or stupid person; dolt; blockhead; ass.

We bet Rajeev didn’t mean the second one. It has to be the first one.

Anyway, WTdoubleF is that Amitabh Bachchan who criticises media almost everyday on his blog doesn’t find the pic offensive. Infact, he doesn’t comment on it but puts the focus on “jackass”. Wow! Bachchan in Blunderland. And to remind Mr Holier-than-thou, here is what he commented on his blog about TOI journalist Bharati Dubey once….

Get married, if you are not already. Embrace your sentiment. And may you hold on to it till your old age without the use of any props ! When you get there, give me a call. If I am still around, we’ll talk !!

Ofcourse, thats not personal. Click here to read more – why and when. And this wasn’t the first time. He also commented on Upala KBR of Mid-day stating…

Upala, the affable and rotund by-line writer form MidDay is insistent on my responses to the utterances of Mr Sinha, Mr ShahRukh Khan, Mr Salim Khan, Mr Aamir Khan.

Mr Bachchan, what do you mean by rotund by-line writer ? Again, going back to dictionary.com, it means…

ro·tund –adjective

1. round in shape; rounded: ripe, rotund fruit.

2. plump; fat.

3. full-toned or sonorous: rotund speeches.

Well, its also not personal! You can read the blogpost here. Wow, Sir, you are surely getting better with age. And yes, you choice of words surely confirms that you went to Sherwood School.

And click here to read Rajeev Masand’s reply to Bachchan’s criticism.

BTW, Sir, what do you think of that publicity stunt of Akshay Jackass Kumar ? Knowing your Sherwood School background, you surely can come up with better word than “jackass”! We are waiting and how!

PS – We lost respect for the old man long long long back, though he still remains one of our favourite actor of all time. So, all you “jackass” fans of Big B, come, attack us!

UPDATE – And finally the Jackass Kumar has replied. Click here to read his reply.

In Bollylalaland, there is no word called shame! As they say, jiyega..marega…publicity ke liye par kuch bhi karega! Remember Aamir Activist Khan during Rang De Basanti. Well, its that time of the year again.

A new film of Aamir Khan Productions is up for release and wonder whom he is remembering – Asheem Chakravarty. Why ? Because it makes news. Because Indian Ocean has composed one song for Peepli Live and another old song of theirs is included in the album of the film. But where was Aamir when Asheem Chakravarty passed away ? Why we didnt hear anything from him ? And where was he when the documentary on Indian Ocean – Leaving Home released ? That was the best tribute to Asheem. Aamir doesn’t need to put one more tribute show! If only he had supported the film, that would have been enough. But strange are the ways of the world, so bear it.

The other one is about Akshay Moron Kumar. Guess where he went to ? Breach Candy Hospital to meet cartoonist R K Laxman. Why ? Because he has a new film coming up called Khatta Meetha, directed by another moron called Priyadarshan. So, the marketing guys must have hit upon a great idea – lets get Akki the common man to meet the cartoonist who created the great indian common man. Because according to the Bombay Times report, Laxman’s common man was the inspiration for Akshay’s character. Bloody liars! Its a remake of malyalam film Vellanakalude Nadu.

Just take a look at the pic, see both the faces and you don’t need any words to describe  the scene. You can read the full article here (select Monday- 12th July, 2010 and then Bombay Times tab – its on left corner) or check out the first page of Bombay Times (epaper).

And thats why we have been requesting Robert Pattinson (though we hate the vampire craze)  again and again to just bite us once. We desperately wanna suck some bolly blood!

Diving bells and a butterfly!

Posted: July 5, 2010 by moifightclub in bollywood, cinema, life, RIP, Thoughts
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Since last ten days, was completely out of social network. Friends, colleagues, well wishers and readers of our blog sent messages, mailed and tweeted to ask where have I vanished. Was busy with life, and death. May be the toughest ten days of my life. Because its scary when Goldman’s great quote on showbiz seems to apply on life too – Nobody knows anything. What do you do then ? Pray ? But am a born atheist. May be not any more, may be am converting.

Mr S.U.N

Just back from ISKCON, Juhu. Director Anurag Basu and his friends organised a meet to remember Sourabh Usha Narang. The young director who passed away on 26th june after a prolonged battle with cancer.

In the morning, I was in Calcutta. After almost ten days, returned to Mumbai by noon. And then it was straight down to ISKCON. Unlike many others who  were present there, I wasn’t close to him, never worked with him and can’t really call him a friend too. But I knew him.  And I felt like going there. I generally avoid going for any kind of days…birthdays, deathdays and all days in between. Either am scared of something or I get bored easily!

Had met Sourabh few times, here and there. And then sometime back, we met formally, through a producer friend. He was working on a film, looking for a writer. Talking movies in bollylalaland, aha, there is no end to bitchfest.

We started with the film, went back to our school life, college days, his college friend whom I knew and passed him some goss that he was happy to hear and was surprised, his tv days, and the shows which I saw when I was in school/college. And it seemed like a never ending session that day. He asked me to write few scenes – some he liked, some he wanted a different tone. After that, it was a comma, i was told. Never imagined that it will turn into a fullstop so soon.

Many films die everyday – on paper, at producers office, at actor’s house but people don’t. At least, those whom we know. So easily, so early. At 37, that’s just cruel.

It was a sunday afternoon of untold stories and uncontrollable tears that rolled. What happens between two people, remains between them. And with Sourabh, I guess, there was lot that happened between  him and those who were there. Ketan Mehta, Anuradha Prasad, Mahesh Bhatt, Anurag Basu, Vijay Raaz, Vikas Behl, Chetan Motiwalla, Rucha Sharma,  Sachin Krishn,  Sohail Tatari, Vidya Balan and many of his friends came on stage to share those stories of dreams and demons, of fights and farewells, of writing and writhing,  of daaru parties and dramas, of coffee and cigarettes. The list in endless. Some were calm, others took long pauses to gather their thoughts, some left the stage with incomplete sentences and some  just could not control themselves. Its difficult talking about someone with whom you ever shared something memorable.

Kameena chala gaya…Vishal Bhardwaj’s voice choked as he remembered how Sourabh helped him direct his first short film. As he continued, the pauses became longer and he said he will  just wrap it with two songs that he feels like singing  – Paani paani re and the one that Sourabh loved – dil toh baccha hai ji. Rekha Bhardwaj and Ankur Tewari also sang – the songs that Sourabh loved, the songs that bonded them somehow, somewhere.

Saw many known and unknown faces, the auditorium was packed. Its rare in bollywood. Having seen the industry from close quarters in the last few years, have realised one thing – Nobody will come to your funeral if you had a glorious past but you have been out of work. And all the Khans & Kapoors will appear in spotless white if your next generation/company has a great future.  To put it simply, in showbiz, people care about the future, not the past. So, it felt great in a way. Because here it was about a filmmaker who made just one film (Vastu Shastra. He did lot of tv before that) but people wanted to talk about him, share their memories, tell those tales. Every good friend deserves such a goodbye. It reminded me of the essay topic in school which I could not understand for a long time – we live in deeds, not in years.

I used to call him Mr S.U.N. Shine, wherever you are mister!

And as the saying goes…the only difference between life and cinema is that in cinema everything has to make sense and in life, it doesn’t. Aha, life!

Diving bells and a butterfly

The day I got to know about Sourabh’s death, I was in Calcutta. Too much was going on in my life. Someone close (G) was detected with a tumor in her spine. And at an age of 83, every doctor warned us of the risks involved. What risk ? Anything can happen. ANYTHING! They didn’t want to spell the bad word. Solution – Only surgery. Or ? There is no way out. Tumour will keep on growing. So, in worst case scenario – it was slow death in five years or in just two hours. Almost everyone was against surgery. The warnings from the doctor had created more fear. Slow death – no way. Whatever happens, will happen – lets go for it, I thought.

It started with convincing my parents, close relatives and then the most important person – G! No, i cant do anything. But i tried to talk to her everyday to make it sound that there is no risk, its a small surgery, the result will depend on what she thinks and believes in. That’s it. Told her about Roger Ebert and how he survived. About 101 year old director Manoel de Oliveira whose film was at Cannes this year. Lil’ tales of big hope and survival. I was trying to boost her confidence but I was scared, shit scared! Sourabh’s sudden death made it look more scary. Viveka Babajee’s news was all over the news channels. Seemed like the universe was conspiring and wanting to tell a different tale to me. I was trying to run to other side.

Days were spent in hospital, in the night I would try to find a reason to return home late. Because at home, the same discussions would go in loop. Walking down long distances, window shopping and some random films in the theatres saved me.

INT. AMRI HOSPITAL – Day

Baba..baba…baba…baba…baba…she whispered into his right ear. Or at least she thought she is whispering. With every “baba” her voice was growing louder. The man on the  bed wasn’t responding in any way. There were several tubes, respirators and medical stuff which I cant identify, coming out and going in through different pores of his body. The man remained silent.

A security woman came from the other side announcing that visiting hours is over, time to leave. Please hurry up. The woman continued whispering Baba…baba…till the security woman asked her to leave the room.

Next day – I heard the same sound...baba…baba…baba….baba…the man was still silent. Third day, it was the same sound and the same expression. Fourth day…G was shifted to other room. Next day, I saw the woman’s face clearly, at the medical store. Completely calm, expressionless. May be her glasses covered her eyes or may be I need a new pair.

HDU Unit. Bed – 2460

The man on the left side of G’s bed was staring blankly at the ceiling.  Another man standing next to his bed, pulls out the earphones from his pocket, connects it to the mobile phone and puts the plugs  into the man’s ears. I guess it was some music he loved. They tried talking to him too. The man on the bed didn’t respond.

The next day, I smiled and we started talking. Got to know that the man on the bed was in CRPF. Had an accident, some major internal haemorrhage and now he  has stopped responding. Though he can hear. So, everyday, during the visiting hours, his friend and brother come and play the songs that he loved. I asked him what songs. But we were lost in translation. English-Hindi-Tamil-Bengali – there was no common ground. I said Paruthiveeran, Subramanipuram…two of my favourite tamil films in recent past, to connect the dots somewhere. He said Singam. And then Suriya. His first film, saar. I guess he was playing the songs from Suriya’s first film.

Visiting hours over. They quietly took out the earplugs and left. A male nurse informed me that its the same routine since last few days.

Red Rose

Coming out of the lift, saw a man on wheelchair. He had a red rose in his hand.  Think that’s the norm in the hospital, the sign of being discharged. Am not fond of flowers or roses as such, they look best in their natural environment. But this time I am desperately hoping for the red one. The surgery went fine. G survived. Finally a butterfly – it was a big relief. She asked for some hot drink just after she came out of the OT. The nurse smiled. She said was feeling very cold. I informed the nurse that Horlicks is her lifeline.

Was informed today that my G will be discharged soon. She is still under observation but is doing fine. Will she be able to walk again ? Goldman comes to mind again. And that’s the answer from the doctors too. Rest all depends on physiotherapy and her efforts. Yes, I will convert completely if G starts walking again.

( PS – Started writing the post yesterday. Could not complete. Was becoming too heavy. Also, do watch the film The Diving Bell and The Butterfly. Its a must must watch. The last film which blew my mind.)

Pic Courtesy – Am not sure who made that montage. It was put up at the meet along with few others. But whoever did it, thanks a ton)

Sigh! Never felt so bad, sad, sleepy and my (single) head spinning at the same time! Blame it on Raavan’s ten heads! But where were they ? Remained all inside Ratnam’s head only.

First a confession – Its not a review. As usual, just some ramblings. Because a movie so bad and that too coming from one of the best filmmakers of our country, am not in my senses yet.

Second confession – Since my nappy days, as long as i remember, have fallen asleep in a movie theatre only thrice. First, it was Haan Maine Bhi Pyaar Kiya Hai. Second time, it was Saawariya and third time, its Raavan. Falling asleep during Ratnam film, its blasphemous! I know, guilty as charged! But do watch the film and then, lets talk.  Anyway, after coming out of the theatre, i quickly called up a friend to figure out what i missed during those precious minutes, and realised that it was a high point of the film’s (poly)graph!

Am still not sure how and where to start. Yeah, credit roll looks superb. And so do, lot of shots. You can take that as a guarantee for any Ratnam film anyway. And this time he teams up with Santosh Sivan. Has to be magic! But how many picture postcards can you stare at ? Plus, there is distraction by Abhishek Bachchan’s growling (reminded me of Anil Kapoor’s irritating dialogue delivery style in Tashan) and Aishwarya Rai’s shrieks and screams in squeaky voice! And poor Vikram (was expecting so so much), he is just the RayBan guy in slo-mo! Even Govinda and Ravi Kishen have more lines than him and are actually best suited for their roles.

You get to see Raavan’s much hyped ten heads only in the credit roll. After that, its only Rahman’s african sounds main-ghumanjalo-aaa -ghumen-jaloooo or whatever it is. The entire first half is only chase sequence. It starts with a bang, grabs you instantly and then drags on and on and on and on till interval. In between, suddenly there is a flashback sequence in Vikram’s voice and it seems he is narrating his own story to himself. (BTW, has anyone still figured out who was narrating Raajneeti’s flashback sequence  and to whom and where he suddenly vanishes! If you know, do enlighten)

Am guessing we all know the basic plot of the film. But the funniest part is the way Raavan falls in love with Sita (or Ragini). Its her free fall from the cliff and he falls in love with her! Never before has “falling in love” being shot so literally.

Have always believed that when it comes to shooting songs in Hindi films, nobody can beat Mani Ratnam. And this time, he proves that theory wrong too. You dont remember a single song after coming out of the theatre. Infact, I was ROFLOL when the romantic number between Vikram & Aishwarya played on screen. He is eating, she is dancing, he is sleeping, she is  dancing, he is staring, she  is dancing, he is having drinks, she is dancing, he wants breakfast, she is dancing and making it, he wants to make love, she is still dancing. And all in weird poses! This is suppose to be the love quotient of Vikram-Aishwaryaaaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh! Give me that Arvind Swamy-Manisha Koirala’s hide & seek dance anyday! A stare here, a peek there – aha, magic!

Coming to Raavan’s politics, this time also Ratnam has played it all safe. The place, setting, language, customs, clothes –  its all vague. Where is Laal Maati ? Who are its native people ? Tribals, villagers, naxalites ? Why is Abhishek Bachchan’s name Beera Munda ? Is it a take on the tribal leader Birsa Munda ? Otherwise, who are these Mundas ?

Post interval, the story moves a little bit taking plot points from Ramayan. Shurpanakha’s naak is pulled and they even try to create a  Bivishan. And then all of a sudden, its dhoom-dhaam-dhadaap and i went to sleep….zzzzzzz. Woke up to realise that Ratnam has proved how Ram can be Raavan and Raavan can be Ram. Blame it on the character (poly)graph in the story. The best joke in the film. And as they say, rest is history.

Feeling much bad for the cast and  crew. Because you can see the rough terrain in which the film has been shot. Add water to  those rough locations, Ratnam-Sivan gets a hard on, making it more strenuous for themselves and everyone else! Its easy to spot that how much effort has gone into it. The bridge scene is one of the best scenes ever shot in a hindi film because its all real location…its takes your breath away. But then, you come back to the BIG picture and it doesn’t make any sense in any way.

Mani Saar – What were you smoking, drinking, doing ? Even if its untrue, please declare it just once that you didn’t direct this film. Put the blame on someone else. Just a fictitious name will also do. Will  feel little better and will be able to sleep peacefully tonight. I still can’t believe its you!

(PS – I can bet that the first half of the film has been made on the edit table. Have confirmed it too. There is not a single scene which makes sense. Its only montages, which jumps from one to another, and looks choppy without making sense of any kind of narrative. )

The name is La-zmi. KhatNi La-zmi! She is known for starting her ”stars” count from three. Give her any movie to review and it will be three. We follow a simple thumb rule when it comes to her star ratings. La-zami’s 2 stars = zero. So, 3 = 0+1 = 1, 4 = 2 and 5 = 3. Try it out for any movie and it works every time.

Plus, she also has the distinction of being the only film critic in India who even plagiarised a film review!  Ooh la la! What a Tale it was, Shark Tale. And that too from Roger Ebert’s review. Aur bolo ? And if you were in your nappies those days, you can click here and here to read more about the scandal. If you are reading the first link, do check out the comment section (4th comment) for complete proof of her xerox machinery!

And after all this, she still has her job with India’s one of the biggest media group (ok, giant). Plus,  there is more! Remember how her Kurbaan review suddenly made it to the front page of Bombay Times on that bloody friday!

We are exactly not sure who get to make how much for every “star” that matters and for moving the review from Page 8 to 1st Page! But someone surely is busy counting.  And it cant be only her!  But here comes the best part – it didn’t help the makers and distributors of the film any bit. The film bombed and how!

Ask any Delhiwallah and they will happily tell you how exclusive screenings are held for her. Ok, she may be plus size (or XXXL or whatever) but she surely doesnt need the entire theatre to herself. Why aren’t other critics invited for the same ? Brownie “stars” & more! It happened during Paa too. And when some of the Delhi based critics raised their voice, Amitabh Bachchan apologised about the same. Now after all that history, here is the latest dope!

We are sure, cent percent sure! The makers of Raajneeti have already shown the film to her. Only her. Almost a week before the release. And she has confirmed her rating to them! Four fucking stars! Not sure who fucked whom, where, how and in what position but its gonna happen. We are willing to bet! Unless our blogpost manages to make enough noise for her/publication to change it from 4 to 3.5 stars! But if the group is involved and cheques have been passed, then aandhi aaye ya toofan, its gonna be four, fucking four!

And its not only her and the publication, the makers of the film are no lesser culprit. BTW, do we see a pattern here ? Its from the same production house! Have they cracked a “stars” subscription deal ? Looks like. As the dude sang, The Times They Are A-Changin’…..just that we didn’t realise that it will go to the other extreme!

UPDATE – We returned home and switched on the tv, it was Bambai se gayee Poona, Poona se gayee Patna n blah blah blah on SetMax. That was Juhi Chawla. But guess who else is singing…delhi se gayee bambai, rating meri bhi bik gayee! Same old Khat-Ni Lajmi. We got lil wrong on the location info. It seems she was shown the film in Mumbai and NOT in Delhi. And the makers flew her from Delhi To Mumbai to screen the film for her. Now, we are gonna bet its 4.fucking5 stars!

With a day job that takes care of my bread and butter, and sometimes jam too, I happily give gyaan and quote Kieslowski wherever I can – Filmmaking doesn’t mean audiences, festivals, reviews and interviews. It means getting up at six o’clock in the morning. It means the cold, the rain, the mud and having to carry heavy lights. It’s a nerve- racking business and at a certain point everything has to come second, including your family, emotions and private life.

My roomie who wanted to become an actor once, is now happily settled with a day job and I taunt him, quoting Paash – Sabse khatarnaam hota hai apne sapne ka mar jaana. But then, someone tells me to get up at six in the morning, with cold, rain, mud and carry heavy lights, i will probably turn to other side. Aha, we romanticise everything. Kartik Krishnan isnt. He quit his day job, jumped into the pool where it matters and is trying to swim through. Read on.

Firstly just a clarification – BC refers to Before Christ and not ‘Bad Character’ in the police books or Behe**** in the goon books.

(Note – the word ‘AD’ usually refers to an Assistant Director. Spelt the same but pronounced & meant differently than the abbreviation AD. i.e. an AD film)

Like all ‘outsiders’ in the film industry till 2 yrs ago, I always perceived the easiest way for us to get into the film industry was to go upto an RGV, Mani Saar, Vishal bhardwaj, Anurag Kashyap, Sudhir Mishra etc etc and the other “sensible” directors (whose films we swore upon), prostate in front of them and beg for an AD job. That you might be paid peanuts, survive on vada-pavs & four square cigerettes, was a given (classic milds are for established directors and established ADs, some of whom also smoke the gold flake lights/davidoff lights/B&H Lights – I learnt later). Earlier it used to be haven with the complimentary ‘chakhna‘ (snacks) provided along with a quarter royal stag, which you could ask for as many times as possible in a local BAR ‘aani’ RESTAURANT, without having to loosen your purse – and could even pass it off as a ‘light dinner’. Now it is 20 bucks for peanuts/salad/’kakdi’/chakli etc.

But I’m digressing. Anyways the deal ‘percieved’ was that saying a ‘yes’ to all these factors (low pay,running around work, not so ‘rayeesana shauk’) would be AN OBVIOUS PAY-OFF FOR THE ‘CREATIVE LEARNING’ or ‘kitna kuch seekhne ko milega‘. This perception got strengthened more if you were a struggler like me – no degree in fimaking/mass media/mass comm from SRFTII/FTII/Xaviers/ZIMA/IP University/JMI MCRC and were simply a TY BCom (as they say it in Mumbai – Third Year) dropout/passout, or a former engineer like me. So basically we learn as much about filmaking on the job and eventually pitch our screenpays/ideas to someone willing to listen, in the hope they would may be arrange a producer-one-on-one, and lo behold – before you know we have a film being made. Your film. That would take some time but yes the path was there for the taking.

So we struggle around to be an AD. Approach directors and prostrate (thank god – these days they offer a handshake and make you feel professional and not a ‘bhakt’). Convince them of your bit knowledge and passion for films. In the event that we get the job, great. In case we don’t, we might have to fool around.

‘FOOL AROUND’ ?

It means try and act in short films made by your peers, write some stuff, make short films, and if sometimes you are lucky, play the hotel manager in your filmaker friends’ film in a one scene appearance for three thousand ruppees or so. Anything that either keeps the kitchen fire burning and/or you getting some dabbling filmaking experience. And the tricky thing is, there is no ‘way’ laid down. You have to learn it yourself meeting like minded ‘strugglers’ who rarely drink the Barista coffee @ Yari Road/Royal stag at Adarsh/Madhuban Bar aani Restaurant; working and interacting with them, often for no pay; and fooling around in the creative medium. And in case you are lucky (which I might not), you sometimes also get work in AD.films/corporate films/music videos etc as an AD. (AD-ing in an AD. Film/corporate film/music video pays much more than AD-ing in a feature film, and is usually over 10 times more number of shoot-prep days)

And then you actually get that break as an AD in feature films-

Yeah. You’re on your way. Getting a monthly salary (not much but just enough) and working.

And then THE ‘BUBBLE’ BURSTS

Being an AD has very very little ‘CREATIVE’ learnings.

I repeat an oft repeated statement – BEING AN AD HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH THE CREATIVE SIDE OF FILMAKING.

1.Location recce or Scouting (going to the location and taking pictures to show to the director – maximum coverage from all angles – exterior & interior – sometimes indicating the directions – meaning North South East West)

2. Continuity excel sheet (unless the 1st ADs have generated that beforehand using Movie Magic/EP Scheduling)

3.Day Night Breakdown – which scenes are to be shot in day and which ones at night

4.Weapons breakdown

5.Location list breakdown

6.Email list of all HODs

7.Props

8.Making sure everything and everyone is at place.

And the like. I’m listing very few of the many such excel sheets/filtering work/running around etc. I’m sure much more experienced ADs can add more (I only assisted on a few months on pre production on a feature film. Why ? I wont get into that)

So you get a bit disillusioned. Luckily if you are from the TY BCOM/BE category, you take it in your stride and go on working. If you are some film school passout – well you have to ask them but I’m guessing there is a jump cut from discussing Godard/Truffaut/De Sica into doing IT related work/organisational – administrative tasks – which might disillusion them too. For once, we feel like we’re in the same boat. But some of the savvy ones know the truth beforehand – Being an AD has very very little ‘CREATIVE’ learnings. So they move on.

WHY IS IT SO? SOME THOUGHTS “

Leave the creatives to the Director,DOP,ART director (very rarely is the writer mentioned along side the aforementioned list, but we’ll let that pass too). An AD’s job is executional and administrative.”

Hmmmm.

“It’s like making arrangements during a family wedding. Just because you run around getting shaadi ka laddoos, printing the cards, arranging liquor for the lousy group in ladke-walas, making sure the dinner is served on time, getting pure ghee for the havan; doesn’t mean YOU WILL ALSO HAVE A SUHAAG RAAT”

Ohh I get it. So basically doing all that doesn’t mean you will be a good groom, just that you are a good guy. Since the groom will simply sit with a plastic smile and wait for the first night. A very different skill set from the shaadi-mein-kaam-karnewale-honhaar-ladka set.

“As an AD, you are executing someone else’s vision, eventually so that you get to know how to execute yours”

But if you start out as an AD, 3-4 yrs and 4-5 films down the line, you have learnt the processes involved in making a film. It neednt necessarily mean the film you make is equally good as the ones who you have worked on, and of course vice versa. For eg: so many of the RGV proteges. Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi & Kal,Aaj Aur Kal; Lagaan & Mumbai se Aaaya Mera Dost/Mission Istanbul.

Recently, unemployment forced me to ask around for work – AD-ing on AD/corporate films. Was also looking around besides fooling around. Had an interview for a 3rd AD postiion in an AD film.

“Yours is a more creative resume. But for a 3 day AD film with 400 odd extras involved I don’t know how good you will be able to handle it.”

That’s a fair enough apprehension. Even I wouldn’t know if I would be capable of handling it.

A friend of mine said – “An AD turned director on his first feature film – was more interested in the things falling in place – all shots getting in time before the light goes away as opposed to discussing with DOP the ‘creatives’. The DOP was getting frustrated.”

So a couple of points

1. Bottom line – Not all good ADs make good directors. They’re different skill sets.

2. If being capable of handling 400 extras, costume continuity, excel sheets etc etc is one of the criteria of employing an AD – then why don’t the directors employ BBAs & MBAs ??? “Because the MBAs are sitting atop corporates deciding how a film should be made” – is what my friend joked. “Which MBA would do a managerial/executional job for the peanuts paid ?”

3. Unless an AD works how will he get experience ? And since 1st ADs are usually looking around for junior ADs who have experience, how will the junior AD get to work ? The Catch 22 problem explained so eloquently by Sachin in Trishul in a job interview to Shashi Kapoor.

4. Why should the fact the prospective AD did some writing/acting jig to learn the craft of filmaking/get titsy bitsy experience/money be a deterrant to his employment as an AD in features/AD films ? Agreed the skillset is different – but cummon man, one can learn. Managerial/Executional skills are easier to acquire than the ‘creative’ ones. Correct me if I’m wrong please.

5. 1st ADs at times get paid more than the writer. It’s a marvel of the industry which I haven’t understood.

6.”You have acting & writing experience on your resume. Why do you want to assist ?”

Hmmmm for these – experience in the process of filmaking; money, money & money; writing rarely pays if at all on time; Acting roles are extremly limited since a friend says “You’re the ugliest guy ever exposed to film stock”

7. “But You have writing & AD-ing experience on your resume. Why do you want to act ?”

Err… Refer to Q 6

8. “Doesn’t it create confusion to the employer as to what you want to do in life ?”

As if the film industry, why even our country, parliament, cricket team act in a Six Sigma Mumbai Dabbawala organised way ! If I’m good at the job should it really matter if I fuck around, beat my wife, walk in my house in undies Ransa style etc etc ?

Or better still – Did you ask this question when you knew I knew Java, MS Project Server, C++, Visual Studio and MS SQL ? Does this mean I cannot code in Java because I knew the other skills ? Or does this imply given an opportunity to learn & work on Main frames, I wouldnt be able to do so ?

Or better still – don’t you also know Hindi, Indian English, American English, Marathi and your mother tongue Tamil/Gujrati/Bengali/Punjabi/Bhojpuri/Telugu/Urdu/Sanskrit or whatever ?

Hmmmmmm

Wondering why we are wasting so much energy, time and space on this certain Mr Joginder Tuteja…naah..we like the surname Chutreja! Who is he ? Really! Ok, take a look at the following two pics…

This is a screen grab from the film Jaane Kahaan Se Aayi hai. And Mr Chutreja gets an opening credit in the film, as “Editorial Advisor”. And that too, all solo. Even Chetan Bhagat didnt get that. BTW, can someone please explain to us the contribution of “Editorial Advisor”. Now check this out.

Here is the print ad that quotes the same Chutrejaji, unless there are two Joginder Tutejas.

So, Chutrejaji has given 4 fucking stars to Jaane Kahan Se Aayi Hai! Even Nikhat Kazmi has given 3.5 (count that 1.5. Because her maths is all wrong. Count her 2 stars = zero. Then it fits well. Try it next time). So, is this the role of “Editorial Advisor” ? 4 stars ? And how unethical it is to review a film in which you have an opening credit! Will the real Mr Tuteja or Chutreja please stand up! And he writes for PTI! Aur bolo ?

Can someone please explain this to us ? Or is it just namesake ? If so, we are sorry but please tell us the role of “Editorial Advisor”. We would love to try our luck there. Bet it includes a fat cheque too! For the rest, well, if this is the state of affairs, film criticism better be dead. Let A O Scott argue as much as he wants too. Long live Chutrejas!

Like many of us, Fatema Kagalwala is also tripping on LSD these days. But the big fuck up is that the music is still not available at many places! Yes, even after the film’s release. WTF is Sony Music upto ? I checked with Landmark (Andheri west) today. They have no clue. Thats quite a landmark, right ? Anyway, back to the dope.  

LSD music is LSD. Not the film but its actual abbreviation namesake- the psychedelic hallucination-inducing, drug. And in its 8 song package it packs every kind of delirious phantasm the drug can induce. 

I have no idea about music, you won’t get a review. I cannot write intelligently about instruments, rhythms, notes, genres and all that but there is this absolute compulsion I have, to write about the music of Love, Sex aur Dhoka. (Last I felt like this was for Gulaal and before that Dev D’s music. There is no comparison, these two and LSD music being in totally different spaces, the only similarity being how they got stuck to my playlist, fevicol-ka-mazboot-jod-types). Hence, this deluge of words which actually could begin at ‘rocks!’ and end at ‘awesome!’ But aren’t we all suckers for a little more than simplistic minus 20 IQ FYBA expression? I am going to have fun with it here while LSD songs play right now on my comp, yes, giving that extra kick.

Title track – Starts with a high-pitched shriek. Goes onto an equally mind-fucked ‘Dhishkiaaooon’. And the number of ways it is said in makes me imagine a character experimenting in different ways to say it, all mad but. Sets the perfect tone for this crazy song. And the mayhem then breaks loose. Obsession, destruction, wild fantasies all roll out without warning. What love! Destructive and protective in the same breath. I think it’s quite an interesting kind of love. But the killer are the lyrics. The schizophrenia in them is so much fun! Great perverse pleasure. In a twisted way embodies the point of the film. I don’t know if it was supposed to. If yes, then it’s genius. If no, even then I am thankful for the serendipity. And the way suddenly Kailash Kher softens down on the ‘Love, sex aur dhoka darling, love sex aur dhoka’ going into the frenzied pitch again is…Sneha Khanvalkar, take a bow. Actually, quite a few.

I can’t hold it longer – I think I LOVE this one because of it irreverence, its brazen-ness. And maybe also because being the ONLY female song in the bunch, I guess identify with it the mostest. But I also don’t think so, that’s too subconscious a reason because the song is a class-act in its own right. It’s more trippy than anything else in the album. Oh, the magic done with turntables, flutes, dholaks and what-nots (How I wish I could distinguish which instrument makes which music in the song!) The Rajasthani folk turned into a crazy, starved pop song! And does it work? The one that works the most in the album because of all the elements. Lyrics. Whoever thought of Rajasthani words and that too belted out in such a pop-ish style, in this case Mr Banerjee, is a genius. But for me the real genius is Sneha, the ensemble put together, with her bare-it-all, rendition, adding to the craziness. The fun she seems like having while singing it, makes me jealous. And the FO? It’s the juiciest cherry I have seen on any cake yet! My roomie put it on her cell after she listened to it once (by compulsion being in the same room with me) and now does not need permission to go upto my comp and put it on whenever she pleases which has become all the time in two days. More testimony for Sneha’s genius and our madness?

Tu Gandi – Controversy’s child. I first read about it on Anurag Kashyap’s status on facebook and me being the prude that I am, was more than a little taken aback. But of course, a curiosity for anything ‘atrangi’ (not for a want for a better word but there is no word that clearly translates the full meaning of this word in any language), call it attraction rather, drew me to it. Where the hell did the ideas of this song come in from? I want to go to that place… Explore it superficially or delve a little deeper, it explodes. A song that starts with something as crass as ‘Tu gandi achhci lagti hain’ goes onto something as spiritual as ‘Main kya jaanu kya sharam haya, tujhe jaanke main sab bhool gaya, woh kehte hain yeh kufr-khata, kaafir kya hain, kya mujhko pata.’ Then it goes into a starker yet deeper zone, ‘Sach, sach main bolnewaala hoon, main manka behad kaala hoon, tere rang mein man rang loonga, tu rangeen achchi lagti hain.’ There can be no song more honest about love and sex than this one. Personally, I think the music is a bit of a let-down in this one. Or maybe it is just that I am not a trance fan and this one falls in that pattern, the repetitive rhythm structure. Had the variations in the melody been more, it would have been a much much more interesting song. But guess, Dibakar thought we wouldn’t be able to handle the RDX then? 😉

Tainu TV pe wekhya – The craziness for me ends with the songs above. From here begins another trip, a bit closer to reality, dripping sarcasm, tongue-in-cheek, laughing at the knowledge that those being made fun of will not even get the point. This song reminds me of the news item years back saying how Abhijeet Sawant was inundated with marriage offers after he won whatever music contest he did. Wow. But the view of the dystopia we live in is delicious. Laughing at oneself and one’s surroundings is another kind of liberation.

Na Batati tu – The trip in this one is the music and KK’s rendition. Starting with classical beats going onto western beats and KK coming in with classical vocals going na dhin dhin-na over western rhythms gels for me! Again the self-deprecatory tone of the music and singing hide the meaningful lyrics. And the under-emphasis works so well, just adding that splash of meaning in an environment of lightly charged music! Sample this –

Nabh ke sitare (when was the last time we heard ‘nabh’ in any Hindi movie song?)

Aise saje hain dwarein

Jaage Jaage ujiyare

Mukh rang gaye saare

Palkon ke tale chhupa chand na

Tujhko padega pehchanna

Kuchh samajh ishaare…

My, my! Is this part of a movie about vouyeurism, materialistic changing values, love, sex and dhoka??? I am waiting for the film, if the songs alone pack in so much.

Tauba Tauba – Roomie tells me this is part of KK’s ‘Kailasa’. I imagine it as a spoof of some kind much like the ‘Love Bollywood Style’. The pace, very disco-ish and the rhythm very Arabic, makes it danc-ish. Ish! Why am I writing like this? Maybe cause its a song just to be heard and not to be spoken about at length???

Bollywood style – Makers of silly ‘nostalgia-inducing’, ‘tributes’, spoofs of 60, 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and hell even 2000’s songs must learn a thing or two from this Love Bollywood style song. Not that it’s the best in this category. “Woh ladki hain kahan hain’ from DCH and ‘Dhoom tana’ from OSO rock (I am out of words now) but this one’s got a tongue-in-cheek satiric attitude that the two above didn’t have. I like the sly tone of the song, making fun at prevalent popular film songs/situations/attitudes and the treatment is so genuinely serious it’s quite funny!

I’ve spoken too much about that just needs to be heard. And I can’t stop playing it repeatedly and can’t stop saying, ‘Fuck, awesome’ every other minute or so. Hope you like it too! And hope it catches on like Dev D. Not comparing but seeing how big a hit it was with the youth these songs sure do have the capacity to catch fire and heat up things more on the alternative film music scene. And by god we know how bad we need it.

But now I need to go watch the film. I caaaaannnnn’t hold it any LONGER! And shouldn’t either, na?