Archive for the ‘shit’ Category

Chetan BhagatIf you like Chetan Bhagat or if you think he is the best thing to happen to desi writing or if you are desperately waiting for his next book Two States, then this place is injurious to you health. Kindly move on to next blog!

In Bollywood and Mumbai’s first class train compartements, people read only two authors. Chetan Bhagat and Paulo Coehlo. People have only two favourite books – The Alchemist and Five Point Someone. And I hate the smell of both the books! Chetan Bhagat is the shittiest thing to happen in desi writing in recent time. He is, what i call, potty writer! You read it while doing potty, finish it by the time your potty is over and then use it as tissue paper! Pure junk like McDonald’s and priced also at the same range! If someone is willing to sign my cousin who is in 5th standard, do let me know, he can also write the same.

No imagination, no thought, bad writing. Period. But too much of publicity! The three books by him are three mistakes of his life! And according to news reports, Raj Kumari Hirani’s Three Idiots is based on Chetan Bhagat’s Five Point Someone. WTF!! How is that possible ? I could not digest the news. Spent sleepless nights. How could Hirani do it ?

Its official! Vidhu Vinod Chopra bought the rights of the book. Bus aur kya! Chetan Bhagat went on promotional over drive. Some million interviews on how the next Aamir Khan film is based on his book and blah blah blah. Pics in some million poses and more!

I was surprsied, confiirmed it and found that its just the setting and nothing beyond that. But on one side it was me and the other side it was Chetan Bhagat and his million interviews. Nobody was willing to believe me that VVC and Hirani bought the rights only to be safe, so that nobody can question them later on.

Finally, Raj Kumar Hirani has clarified in this interview (read the second last question. hav copy pasted it here also)  to Mumbai Mirror that the film and the book is only 5% similar! Yes, just five percent!

Q. How true are you keeping 3 Idiots to the book by Chetan Bhagat Five Point Someone?

A. 3 Idiots is inspired from the book but it is completely different. I would say just five per cent of it is the same. Books and films are different. So the moment you decide to pick up a book and make a film as it is, it will be a disaster. It’s a nice book, but it’s anecdotal and films can’t be anecdotal. It has to have a story. The reason I mention this is because people should not go to the theatre thinking, we are going to watch Five Point Someone and later find out that it’s a completely different film.

Game over, Mr Bhagat! Am much relieved. Now can that potty writer Chetan Bhagat just shut the fuck up! Enough of him and his mistakes!

UPDATE (1st Jan 2010) – Click here to read all the details and the dope about the credit controversy of 3 Idiots. Vidhu Vinod Chopra VS Chetan Bhagat.

WTF is this! Trust Bollywood to do it! And when its directed by Samar Khan, what else can you expect.

Its called “Make It Large – A Tribute to Michael Jackson”. If you are wondering whats the funda of “Make it Large”, then click here. If Shah Rukh Khan is here, can commerce be far behind. The video is produced by Shah Rukh Khan’s Red Chillies Idiot Box. Even in this s0-called-tribute to MJ, its Royal Stag Seagram selling thier brand philosophy! The Red Chillies homepage even has a quote from Royal Stag’s VP (Marketing) explaining their brand connect with MJ! Trust the marketing guys to sell a dead man too!

The song is written by Vishal ( Of Vishal-Shekhar duo), composed by Vishal- Shekhar and features Shankar Mahadevan, Shaan, KK, Shreya Ghoshal and Prabhudeva. The video also features Shahrukh Khan, Hrithik Roshan, Priyanka Chopra, Katrina Kaif, Anoushka Sharma, Shahid Kapur, and Yuvraj Singh.

We think this is the worst tribute to Michael Jackson! The lyrics redifne the word corny, music is horrendous and the voices are all over the place. No two voices in sync! We really could have done without it. Do let us know what you guys think.

Sorry for this overdose of Kaminey but few things we really canttoilet graffitti escape. Because these newbits make our day by making us ROFL. 

Today’s TOI has a damn interesting piece of news on Vishal Bhardwaj’s Kaminey. Its about “Apna Haath Jagannath“, the writing on the loo door in one of the scenes in Kaminey. The Puri priests think its a derogatory reference to their Lord Jagannath.

We are not sure whats the origin of this phrase but its very common loo graffiti across North India. Schools, colleges, public toilets or trains, you can spot it anywhere. Loo graphiti is a specialised art by itself and in India, it seems we have artists everywhere. 

Back to AHJ! The news is that a case has been filed against Kaminey’s producer for the use of the line “apna haath jagannath“. We wonder if the priests know the real meaning of the line and in what context it is used. Because according to this report, it seems the protest is only because there is a picture of a scantily clad woman next to the writing. Wish someone could tell them the ‘real’ meaning of the phrase…the fun be double!

Manas KatyalNo. You must! Manas Katyal ? One of the finalists of Rakhi Ka Sawayvar on NDTV Imgaine. The show that will baffle many generations of sociologists for sure. And Rakhi Sawant surely deserves the Lifetime Achievement Acting Award for this show. Because nobody can fake it better than her. And she also can’t do better than this. You have to watch the videos. With background music from bollwood. It doesn’t get funnier than this. Swayamvar moves to Delhi now. We are hooked and how!

And don’t miss the quote of the year – Item girl bahu hai, bahu item girl nahi hai!

You can trust him to do anything! Ram Gopal Varma or Ramu, he swings better than any pendulam ever made on this earth. From one extreme to other. How ? Nobody knows the answer and we dont think we will ever find an answer. A new promotional music video of Agyaat is out and Ramu has posted it on his blog. Its called the jungle song. We think its the ROFL video of the season. We have put the video here, check it out.

Dear Ramu,

Enough of school girls in skimpy clothes! How much of desperately-trying-hard-to-be oriental porn can we handle ? Huh. Bored.

FC

And talking of Jungle, remember that killer song from Ramu’s another Jungle…patli kamar…teerchi nazar….jaane de na julmi mere pyaar udhar hai. Impossible to believe that its the same Ramu! Now check out this video.

Rakhi SawantLike us, if you are quite  vella and scratching your head wondering WTF is going to happen to Rakhi Sawant after the show Rakhi Ka Swayamvar, we got some fresh goss.

According to Buzz18’s Juicy Mausi, Rakhi Sawant will remain single even after the Swayamvar. It seems there is no clause in the contract which states that she HAS to marry someone at the end of the show.

Rakhi Ka Swayamvar is getting quite lot of balls, oops, eyeballs for obvious reasons and generating good buzz. Also, because of the show, NDTV Imagine has moved from No. 5 potition to No.4, replacing Sony.

In the finale, the contestants will be asked to choose between a large sum of money and Rakhi Sawant. And when they do, Rakhi will throw a fit and walk away! ROFL! Marega…jiyega….shaadi karega….TRP ke liye kuch bhi karega!

Bollywoodpopat also reports the same. According to the report, some astro-numerologist Sandhiya Mehta (kaun hai yeh ?), the show is all fake, only good publicty for Rakhi Sawant and great TRP idea for NDTV Imagine.

Wooohoo…we never Imgine-d that we will write so much about Rakhi Sawant!

BTW, if you are still vella and bored, watch this hilarious video. Its a must watch!

Copy of aladin amitabh new-1…he rambles on and on and on. Signs of being senile ?

Those of you who follow Buddha B, oops, Big B’s blog, you know what we are talking and those who don’t, read on. Mid-day, the Mumbai based tabloid is known for giving finger-fucks to celebrities and they make sure that they give their best. And their latest love is Amitabh Bachchan.

Recently Mid-day’s Tushar Joshi did a story on Amitabh Bachchan, how he doesnt practice what he preaches. He supports going green but drive in SUVs, the gas guzzlers. You can read the full story here. Phir kya tha ?

The finger-fuck did the trick, Bachchan went on a rampage on his blog and came up with the lamest reply through a blogpost. He attacked the reporter (Tushar Joshi), Entertainment Editor of the tabloid (Sarita Tanwar) and rambled non-stop without making any sense. And even took digs at Karan Johar. Here are some gems from his post…

I am aware that my acumen in keeping the press happy and co operative is abysmal. I am not generous enough in entertaining them to either media jaunts to out of town activities, especially those in foreign lands, and neither do I have the required savvy to invite them to social gatherings and parties like a Karan Johar does for his birthday to Sarita Tanwar and others of her ilk.

And his biggest lie…

If media needs to be nurtured for personal gain I would imagine it would destroy their very tenets of unbiased reporting, would it not. In keeping with that sentiment, if I have desisted, is there some error being committed on my part ?

(Can someone ask him about the pest called Subhash K Jha ? The whole world knows that Jhaji is Bachchanophile. Jhaji is the point person for Bachchan family to plant their news pieces and so he gets every exclusive news about Amitabh, Abhishek and Aishwarya Rai Bachchan. In return, he just has to keep on sucking upto the Bachchan family. ) 

BUT… dearest Sarita Tanwar of Karan Johar party invite… I have a suggestion to make. When the removal of my one such SUV will save the world from hundreds of years of existence, would it not be worth its while to extend the life of our planet even further. I mean think of your grand children to the power of infinity pushing yellow pencils for Mid Day in cyberland !! Thats an exciting proposition is it not ? Or would you rather let good ol’ smsed Tushar do the noble deed ?

And.. I say… tell this chap Tushar to stop using his mobile. Have you any idea what the radio activity each call and sms sent, creates for the environment ?It all adds up deary !! Lets start at home first, no ? So this is fixed then.. no mobile phones ok ? When you need to communicate, just walk across to AB’s house and ask him the question. What is a couple of kilometers ? Nothing ! Will help burn the calories, keep you fit.

This Maharashtra Police, I tell you, they are second to only the Scotland Yard of Britain. Right now they are smarting because of 26/11. You need to treat them with care. All of them use the Bolero SUV and the Qualis SUV. You mess with them baby, they run you over with them SUV over your chest. Think of your walking journalistic future Tushaaar !! They do not make guys like you any more !!

And some more…

No plane , no Union. Simple no ? Stop King Fisher, go meet Vijay Mallya at his pad in Goa. In Goa eh.. remember Goa ! I tell you why. The beach in front of his gorgeous palace is being eaten up with the sea coming in… because of what, Tushar, Sarita… whoever is listenning… global warming !! Go stop Jet Airways ! They are retrenching heavily. They will love you for this.

Sarita and Tushar… get rid of your mobile, your electricity, your air travel, your cars, your news paper, push yourself back to prehistoric times and show me the way to progress so that we are not referred to as a developing nation a nation that is referred to insultingly as the third world. We want to compete with the world, to bring our standards up.

Finally….

STOP PRINTING MID DAY  MATES IN YOUR PAGES….!!!

Sarita, I know that you have published today a rejoinder to your yesterday’s headline, where you have tried to nullify the damage done by your previous article. But remember always if you have the right to be the keepers of society so do I. If you have the right of cynicism, so do I. If you exercise the right to pull my leg I shall pull yours as well. And every time you shall abuse me wrongly I shall rightfully correct your abuse.

Mr Bachchan, what are you eating, drinking or smoking these days ? Mid-day will be Mid-day. Why get dirty with them ?

And if you still have some patience to read the full post, click here. Don’t say that we didn’t warn you. Never before a celeb blog been so boring and nonsensical.

Kambakkht IshqBecause the braindead entertainment journos just put out the press releases, whatever  is issued by the PR guys. Indiafm has been continously pumping figures as if there is no tomorrow. Most of the other newspapers/websites also doing the same. Copy-paste the press release. But there have been few reports which dimissed the 100 crore claims.

Check out this report in LiveMint. According to it, the figures are as follows

Release – 700 prints in India & 260 prints in the overseas market.

Cost – Rs 75 crore including print and publicity, entirely funded by Eros International.

Collections – First week closed at Rs 20 crore distributor share (India) and will touch Rs 25 crore across its entire run. Collections were affected due to a massive downfall in the film from Monday evening onwards.

Verdict : Kambakkht Ishq team popped the bubbly, the dampener this week was that Eros will suffer a loss of almost Rs 10-12 crore on this film.

Indiafm

Cost : Rs. 62 crore, including print and advertisement cost.

Collections :  This report on Indiafm.com is the same as the official press release. According to Trash Adarsh, the film has grossed Rs. 100 crore worldwide in its first week, making it one of the most successful openings in Indian cinema.

Rs. 70 crores in India (Rs. 42 crores nett) and Rs. 21 crores overseas business, with music & digital platforms grossing Rs. 10 crores.  ( Why would anyone count music & digital platform rights with the box office collections ? A clear indication of being desperate to add up the numbers and make it 100!)

The Times Of India

And now the figures according to today’s TOI (page 10. Could not find the online link. You can check the e-paper here and go to page 10, the header is For cine buffs, content is king )

Sold – At a price of Rs 80 crore

Collections – In the first week distribution share is Rs 30 crore, it is certainly difficult to recover the entire cost. Even if satellite rights are sold for Rs 10 crore and home video for Rs 2-3 crore, recovering costs is going to be a tall order – Trade analyst Amod Mehra. 

BoxOfficeIndia.com

Collections : Kambakkht Ishq had an excellent first week of around Rs 36 crore nett. The film has done brilliant business in the North while collections in South India circuits like Mysore are on the lower side. The collections on the 8th day have shown a big fall of around 65-70%.

So, what to believe and what to chuck ? As someone wrote on a blogpost, Box office news and updates of Kambakkht Ishq is more eventful than the movie itself. Couldn’t agree more!

But the big question is where the hell is Mallika Sherawat ? The motor mouth siren who hit the headlines with bold statements has vanished from Bollywood these days. Hissss is the new ssshhh in her life. It seems she is in Los Angeles, trying her luck in Hollywood and is busy with her new film Hissss in which she plays an icchadahri naagin! Wooh!

And the dare bare actress is smart enough to keep herself in the news and make the right buzz. She was spotted with musician Yanni and well known music composer Ric Wake recently at Ivy Restaurant, Los Angeles. And if rumours are to be believed she is in serious discussions with Yanni and Ric as she wants to perform a snake dance during his next concert in India.

We wonder if Yanni will play the naagin dhun for Mallika Hissss Sherawat to dance ? If nothing else, she is hitting the right notes atleast.

BTW, Hissss is directed by Jennifer Lynch, daughter of David Lynch. And the cluless bald man with Mallika is Govind Menon ( of Khwahish, Kis Kiski Kismat and Bachke Rehna Re Baba shame)

There are four pics and a video of Mallika Sherawat with Yanni and Ric Wake. Check them out.

For Hissss trailer, click here. And for first look/plot/story/synopsis click here.

Ashutosh GowarikerAccording to reports in today’s Mid-day, director Ashutosh Gowariker was damn pissed off at the IIFA Awards (Macau) because Boman Irani and Ritesh Deshmukh took dig at many actors and films while hosting the awards.  On stage, he also questioned how Priyanka Chopra can win the Best Actress Award for Fashion.  The links to the stories are here and here. And we are ROFL since we read these two reports. Why ? Read on, a letter to Mr Gowariker.

Dear Ashu,

Hope you dont mind it. Calling you Ashu. For us and many others, this whole award business is a big farce. Only three kind of people attend the awards – 1) Those who are going to win 2) Those are going to make money by performing some naach gaana 3) Those who don’t have any kind of work.

Mr Gowariker, is this something new to you ? Something that you don’t know ? Itsn’t it all a big joke and simply money making business ? Otherwise why would an award function will have a brand ambassador ? And that too Amitabh Bachchan.

Who handles IIFA Awards ? Its made to sound like some heavy film body  ( India International Film Academy or some shit like that)but at the end of the day its Wizcraft. Just an event management company! With just a single aim – Make money and more money! Indian cinema it isn’t. Its not even hindi cinema. Its just the popular hindi cinema. Films that are all about the stars. Nothing beyond that.

Dear Mr Gowariker, what are you cribbing about ? When you participate in such a farty show, you are part of the joke and when you are part of the joke, just shut up and laugh at the joke. You don’t have a choice.

And talking about wrong choices, did it bother you because Aishwarya Rai didn’t get it ? Or was it because Aishwarya Rai was the main lead in your film Jodha Akbar ? If you are so holier-than-thou, why not raise voice against all the wrong choices ? Why not boycott all the awards show ? Thats much better! The shows which still don’t bother to respect the talents but just the stars.

Its just a TV show, Mr Gowariker! Get it in your head. Or if its already there, stop pretending!

The more stars they get, more money they will make from tv rights. They have to do naach gaana and crack jokes to make it entertaining. That’s it. So WTF are you talking!

fightclub

ps – This is without any kind of bias against you. We love your films. Lagaan and Swades score high on our list of all time favourite films. No conspiracy theory here!